Thursday, March 11, 2010
Lot of thoughts crossing my mind... I'm not in a mood to write multiple posts, so squeezing them all into one...
1. I'm extremely lazy these days. I wake up and lie on my bed for another two hours. Then after I climb down the stairs I refuse to make myself coffee ( convincing myself that coffee is bad for health) and omlette ( cuz I really don't think its worth the trouble. Today I made one tho, sans onion and green chillies). I don't toast my bread. Again not worth the trouble. After I'm done with the breakfast, I plonk on the bed, take the newspaper out, stare and fall asleep. I wake up, decide not to read the newspaper , insert a DVD into my DVD player, but I realise that I don't want to watch the movie. I contemplate if I should walk on the treadmill and that would kinda freshen me up. But that would mean I will have to take a shower immediately after that. But what if I'm not in a mood to shower after the walk. Then I would end up being all sweaty. And while I lie there in a state of sluggishness, I don't realise it is past lunch time. I don't want to cook, I don't even want to heat up stuff from the refrigerator. All I really want to do is lie down and think think and think till I sleep. And when I wake up, I want to think more till I sleep again. Right now, I'm not feeling terrible. I'm just bored. And guess wot, I'm thoroughly enjoying this boredom. I'm not complaining at all. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk, go out, meet people, eat, read, watch movies or have fun. I don't want to change myself. I have accepted that this is how I'm and this is how I will be. I find comfort in this boredom, in this sluggishness, in this lack of purpose.
2. I want to belong.... Somewhere. Belonging no where is a not a great feeling. All my life I have been trying to do two things - To belong and then to severe ties and not belong. But now I want to belong.
3. I suffer from a severe case of identity crisis. I don't think like most people. So does that make me a social outcast? Does that make me a rebel? But I don't do all those outrageous things that rebels do. So what does that make me? Where do I belong?
4. I said in point 1, that I'm happy. But as I write this I'm getting depressed. I want to cry but my tears have dried up.
5. I wonder if I will be ashamed of this post. If so, I will take it off later.
6. I'm missing my sis terribly.
7. I want a nephew or niece. And this is not cuz I want to have kids. When I say a nephew or niece, I just want that. Its such a thrill being their favourite aunt or their only aunt. I get majorly jealous when I see friends with young niece or nephew. And feel sorry for friends with kids. They may love their life, but that doesn't make me feel any less sorry.
8. I hate it when older people talk about marriage like it is a vacation or so much fun. Both them and I know that marriage is not a vacation. And about people telling me how they want to attend my marriage cuz they are going to have fun and my grandmom wants to see me as a bride before she dies.... I think its too silly. It puts a lot of unnecessary pressure now. For all u know, the day u get married is just ONE day of ur life, the what u ask for in the bargain is a life long commitment. Funnily enough, people talk about just that ONE day. They all want to be part of that pre-wedding excitement, all the talks, do shopping, dress up, arrive in style, play their respective parts , dress me up and have a great time and then send me off.
9. For once, I want to be normal. I just want to think the normal thoughts, do the normal things and be happy with a normal life. I'm just tired of being the complicated person that I'm.
10. I'm more depressed now. I'm wondering if I should stop writing this.
11. I want to talk to someone. But at this point of time, I cant think of even one person I really want to talk to.
12. People who I like don't understand my craziness. People who understand my craziness, I don't like them sometimes.
13. I want to take charge of my life. But I really don't want to.
14. I'm tired of fighting, arguing and crying. I don't have the strength to go on. I'm going to give up.