Thursday, March 11, 2010

Medley...





Lot of thoughts crossing my mind... I'm not in a mood to write multiple posts, so squeezing them all into one...



1. I'm extremely lazy these days. I wake up and lie on my bed for another two hours. Then after I climb down the stairs I refuse to make myself coffee ( convincing myself that coffee is bad for health) and omlette ( cuz I really don't think its worth the trouble. Today I made one tho, sans onion and green chillies). I don't toast my bread. Again not worth the trouble. After I'm done with the breakfast, I plonk on the bed, take the newspaper out, stare and fall asleep. I wake up, decide not to read the newspaper , insert a DVD into my DVD player, but I realise that I don't want to watch the movie. I contemplate if I should walk on the treadmill and that would kinda freshen me up. But that would mean I will have to take a shower immediately after that. But what if I'm not in a mood to shower after the walk. Then I would end up being all sweaty. And while I lie there in a state of sluggishness, I don't realise it is past lunch time. I don't want to cook, I don't even want to heat up stuff from the refrigerator. All I really want to do is lie down and think think and think till I sleep. And when I wake up, I want to think more till I sleep again. Right now, I'm not feeling terrible. I'm just bored. And guess wot, I'm thoroughly enjoying this boredom. I'm not complaining at all. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk, go out, meet people, eat, read, watch movies or have fun. I don't want to change myself. I have accepted that this is how I'm and this is how I will be. I find comfort in this boredom, in this sluggishness, in this lack of purpose.



2. I want to belong.... Somewhere. Belonging no where is a not a great feeling. All my life I have been trying to do two things - To belong and then to severe ties and not belong. But now I want to belong.



3. I suffer from a severe case of identity crisis. I don't think like most people. So does that make me a social outcast? Does that make me a rebel? But I don't do all those outrageous things that rebels do. So what does that make me? Where do I belong?



4. I said in point 1, that I'm happy. But as I write this I'm getting depressed. I want to cry but my tears have dried up.


5. I wonder if I will be ashamed of this post. If so, I will take it off later.


6. I'm missing my sis terribly.


7. I want a nephew or niece. And this is not cuz I want to have kids. When I say a nephew or niece, I just want that. Its such a thrill being their favourite aunt or their only aunt. I get majorly jealous when I see friends with young niece or nephew. And feel sorry for friends with kids. They may love their life, but that doesn't make me feel any less sorry.



8. I hate it when older people talk about marriage like it is a vacation or so much fun. Both them and I know that marriage is not a vacation. And about people telling me how they want to attend my marriage cuz they are going to have fun and my grandmom wants to see me as a bride before she dies.... I think its too silly. It puts a lot of unnecessary pressure now. For all u know, the day u get married is just ONE day of ur life, the what u ask for in the bargain is a life long commitment. Funnily enough, people talk about just that ONE day. They all want to be part of that pre-wedding excitement, all the talks, do shopping, dress up, arrive in style, play their respective parts , dress me up and have a great time and then send me off.



9. For once, I want to be normal. I just want to think the normal thoughts, do the normal things and be happy with a normal life. I'm just tired of being the complicated person that I'm.


10. I'm more depressed now. I'm wondering if I should stop writing this.


11. I want to talk to someone. But at this point of time, I cant think of even one person I really want to talk to.


12. People who I like don't understand my craziness. People who understand my craziness, I don't like them sometimes.


13. I want to take charge of my life. But I really don't want to.


14. I'm tired of fighting, arguing and crying. I don't have the strength to go on. I'm going to give up.



8 comments:

An Open Book said...

I soooo understand most of the points mentioned her...seriously...been there done that sorta thing..
Just dont break your head with too many thoughts di...its just a phase

Anonymous said...

VODKA will solve all your troubles. You dont have to heat it nor cool it. Just swig from the bottle.

Pointblank said...

@Open Book - U do understand??? That assurance is such a blessing :)

@Anon - Lol! Thanks for that trivia!

BVN said...

ha...nicely done! glad to know there are other similar islands around :)

lex said...

deee.... do something which makes you busy like aerobics, yoga, music classes etc,.. When you are engaged in something you will not get time to think and think more.... :)

Anonymous said...

hey da........cumon wnt 2 c ya in ur old self........smart nd all jumpy.......

ani said...

been there.. done that.. and its quite a struggle comin out!! ~ sheesh!

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thats everybody i guess.. and its not the same yet .. the identity n belonging part crisis goes on forever in my life!