Thursday, August 23, 2007
PS (pre-script.. gee!) – I thought I should put this at the beginning of the post. The title of the post and the content may not be in-sync. I set out to write something very personal, but lost track and found myself in the middle of a wider conflict. But I hope I somehow get around to write what I really wanted to write. The following post can be a lil unorganized. Blame it on my current mood. What r blogs for after all? You can get people to read whatever crap u write n always back it up with an explanation that its ur personal space and nobody should judge. How clever r we bloggers??
What is so enchanting about ‘sadness’ that I keep inviting this unpleasant visitor into my life more often than others do? Why is it that I always have (erm.. find rather) a problem to sulk, rant or cry over? I’ve tried probing myself further on the matter, but failed with little result. I spend way too much time thinking, analyzing and dissecting everything that makes any significance and sense to me. Some one called my generation ‘The over-analytical generation’. He couldn’t have been more right. Like I said to a friend later - our generation feels a need to delve deep into everything, fretting over the regular things (read those things which have been done by generations without thinking twice), wanting to be different, trying to be rebellious, but in the end either messes it all up or just ends up doing exactly what our parents’ generation did. And to think that they did it all without fretting. And to make things worse, I realized, I can be taken as the best example. Well that said, I made a remark that we have just ourselves to bank on. And my friend readily agreed. I was a lil disappointed. I was secretly hoping that she thought otherwise. I wanted to believe that the world is indeed a rosy place, only I’m messed up in the head to carry such lousy thoughts. N, u shattered me! Do I need more reasons to be sad?
Back to wot I started out with … I always find a reason to cry. Maybe I really have reasons to cry or its just that my thinking process is totally screwed up. And I envy all those happy souls – I envy the sheer luck of the ones who have ‘more reasons’ to be happy and envy the contentment of those who I think have ‘fewer reasons’ to be happy. I read somewhere “Don’t tell others your problems. 70% don’t care and the rest 30% are glad”. Well… In that case, you cant make others any happier by narrating your happy stories either. Don’t get me wrong people. I do feel happy for others. But sometimes, I’m just not in the mood. Holy shit! I lost track again…
I constantly indulge in self –assessment, listing out my inadequacies, regretting the wrong things I have done, cursing myself for the right things I have never done, so on. I either cling on to my past or worry over my future, all the while neglecting the present. And when the current ‘present’ becomes the past, I cry over losing that to. I wish I could live life for the moment! Life would have been so much happier!!!
My current mood is that of regret. Regret for not valuing some people who had crossed paths with me at various phases in my life. When they were with me, I created a wall around cuz I though they dint meet my standards. I disregarded them, avoided them by feigning aloofness and sometimes even hurt them with my indifference. But I realized, each time a lil late, how much they really meant to me. I thought tearfully about all the loving gestures I received, all the timely help they extended, all the insightful talk we shared. And I realized that I truly miss their presence in my life. But today, things are different. I cannot reach out to them ever again, despite badly wanting to. I curse myself for not realizing the value of these people who actually valued n loved me. There are many others who met standards, whom I respected n loved and still continue to do so. But then with a heavy heart I realize that people are irreplaceable. People I have, cannot fill in for people I lost. Only ‘they’ can be ‘them’. I don’t need others in their place. This sense of loss will haunt me forever. But I repeat the same mistakes. Trip to sadness-ville is guaranteed.
P.S (This time it is post script) – Excuse me for all the grammatical n language errors. I can’t care less (remember bout blogger’s personal space and we being clever). Oh boy! This post can make me embarrassed on a more sensible day. I’m sure to delete it then. But I hope that all those people I hurt get to read this before that.
***Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical***
You blog like no one else is reading...
You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose.
Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily.
But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!
What's Your Blogging Personality?
Sunday, August 12, 2007
A line in one of my favourite woman’s magazine saddened me. Woman’s mags, as u know, are mostly run by women editors, caters to the modern woman and contains explicit feminist content. I loved them, though not always agreed with them.
This particular write up that caught my attention was on women giving birth out of wedlock. Now conceiving illegitimate children are looked down with disgrace in most parts of the world. So I would have been glad had the magazine voiced against singling out the female parent and crucifying her when the male parent goes scot-free. But the magazine’s concerns are that though the child can claim maintenance from the father, the mother has no such provision. Excuse me, why would the mother claim such a provision? ( I know there are similar provisions pertaining to marriage laws, but when you are not bound by marriage, you can claim none).
You can only say one of the two – either that women are on par with men and should be meted out with equal treatment OR that women are indeed the weaker sex and hence need special treatment. You really can’t have the best of both worlds. Though the father is also responsible for the upbringing of the child, why would he provide for the mother who is an adult herself and ‘equal’ to the father? Doesn’t such a demand clearly state that women are weaker? Now do I sound anti-women ? Well.. I can be a feminist of the fiercest kind. I think all women should be. But double standards of pseudo –feminists don’t work with me
Pseudo -feminists are best seen during beauty pageants, when they are at the forefront shouting slogans, protesting against the exploitation of women. Hello feminists! Who is exploiting women here? Have you ever heard of beauty queens who had to bare it all at gun point? When a bunch of women strip to their inner garments to parade on stage for instant recognition, fame, money and glamour, it really isn’t exploitation, it’s celebration time for them! . Probably a celebration you cant be part of. But you won’t let it go so easily, would you? You attach yourself to it in every possible way so that u get a small share of the fame and media space. Now, why do you protest only against the the Ms World’s and Miss India’s and not Mr. World’s and Mr India’s? Ah! Sorry. I forgot that you don’t care about men’s rights or the exploitation of men. But what u do at the end of the day is let men do what they want to do, and protest when women do the same thing, just because they are women. Isn’t this the biggest discrimination against women?
Sometimes I wonder whether I have a distorted feministic view. I see buses with seats reserved exclusively for women (at least in that part of the country where I live). And though I’m glad that I have to fight it out with fewer people for the reserved seats, something inside me detests it.. (But I don’t listen to my inner voice always; I can do it at more convenient occasions. Gee!). Come on! Its not that women don’t have the strength to endure a half an hour’s journey. Why are efforts always being made to convey that we are weaker and hence should be pitied upon ?
Similarly, whenever Iam at the receiving end of a sometimes-genuine-but mostly- pretentious chivalrous act , I am more embarrassed than impressed. (well.. I’m generally touched, yet resist it) I can open doors, carry bags , pull chairs, travel alone and spend money too! Don’t give me special attention. Because I’m neither special nor weak. I just believe I’m equal, though in a rather different way. So doesn’t this make me a feminist - as I said before - of the fiercest and maybe the wierdest kind?. But we cant really have it that easy, fellow beings. Don’t we always say we are tough too? So prove it!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Today is Friendship Day. And what more can Star World offer than a back-to-back 15- episodes-show of their biggest and most loved sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I could not watch the whole of it for obvious reasons. But hey... its not exclusively for Friendship Day. Star World never tires of airing it and I never tire of watching it. It’s the lives of a bunch of people we have grown to love. And well… they are not the most perfect characters- just a gang of young losers . But it doesn’t really matter. They have become our ‘friends’ too. And we have seen them grow – as individuals, as friends. And the growth becomes more striking when you get to watch the last seasons and then go back to watch the early seasons again. There is an obvious change in the chemistry between the people – the walls are broken down, the patterns are made and the bonding gets stronger.
This really made me look back at my own friendships – how I met them, was unsure of them, then discovered them, bonded with them and like fate would have it, parted ways with them. And I have broken down at the thought of losing them forever. Call me insecure. But I often feared that they would never come back to me, esply if I dint receive a call from them with in the next ten days of parting. And I would hesitate to put in a call myself, again fearing that I would be unwanted in their new lives or they would have already forgotten me. They don’t say ‘Out of sight, Out of mind’ for nothing. But the phrase never held true for me. I long for them more when they are not around anymore. And luckily for me, they all came back. And your friendship becomes stronger than before, because when some one goes and comes back it means you mean something to them, and probably they never discovered a better friend than you.
Ok guys.. I don’t know where this post is heading to. It seems to be as aimless as my own life now. I guess I should end it with a ‘Happy Friendship Day’. Oh! I have more to write about friends and friendships, but mebbe another day, another post! Till then, tata all my friends and all who value friendship!!!
PS: I’m not a big believer of these various days – Friendship Day, Valentines Day, Mother;s Day, Father;s Day, Dog’s Day (erm.. if its already not there, m sure u would hear about it soon). But well… we just need reasons to celebrate. So be it.