Looking back... at the year that went by....

New Year is a few months away. But i turn a year older in a couple of days. Nothing is going to change drastically in a few days that lead to my birthday, but a lot has changed in the past one year. I have made peace with myself, learnt a few realities, gladly accepted the things that I cannot change, and I evolved into a more secure person. But the most important change in me is that I started being grateful for a lot of things I have in life. And when I started counting my blessings, I realised that there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Last year has been a roller coaster ride for me. There were some ups and downs. There were some very exciting, exhilarating, and even intoxicating highs, but there were also some depressing lows and I hit rock bottom. The year didn't begin very well. There were moments of deep pain when I felt that someone was stabbing me deep with a sharp knife and my heart was cut into million little pieces. And I felt that these pieces of my heart will never be together as one. Each time I made an effort to move, smile or talk, one of this piece would cut me through. I thought I would never be able to laugh heartily again. Forget about laughing, I thought I would never be able to smile again, without feeling something pricking me from inside. My world had come crashing down and I couldn't pull myself together. And on top of that I lost a friend (or rather we mutually decided to lose each other) who I thought I would never lose in life. One after other, things went from bad to worse. I went to bed with a heavy heart, cried myself to sleep, smtimes stayed up till early morning pouring my heart out into my diary, waking up feeling empty and with swollen eyes, wanting to be held and comforted with reassuring words, but found myself lonely. But I emerged out of it, as a healthier and happier person. And yeah, I count my blessings now, more often than ever. So I'm going to list down the positive things that happened in my life for the past one year.

* I made a really really close friend. Someone who completely understands me, cares for me and someone to whom I can talk about anything in the world. Once I got to know her better , I realised that we have a lot more in common than I thought. She has become a sort of an emotional partner for me. She is a really genuine and thoughtful person and I love her for what she is.

* My relationship with my mom has become great now.

* Someone with whom I had parted in bitter terms is back in my life now. All the bitterness have been resolved. Now when I look back, there is no sorrow or anger, just fondness.

* A wound that has been hurting me a lot has finally healed. And now I can finally laugh heartily.

* There was some one who inspired and impressed me a lot. She is the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. She is genuine and real, shares my wavelength, has a sweet sense of humour, is great to talk to, has got a lot of class, loves words and is absolutely a pleasure to be with. We had lost touch for so many years and finally we are in touch again.

* I thought that distance will kill some friendships, but it didn't. Infact, some friendships became stronger than before.

* I had always wanted to learn few foreign languages and take some piano classes. And I could finally do that this year. I took up French and cleared my DELF examinations. My piano classes are going on well, though sometimes it can really drive me crazy. I know how the fingers of my right hand should move. I know how the fingers of my left hand should move. But when I move both my hands together, it is total chaos. But with little bit practice, I want to really master it. And now I feel I actually can.

* Work looks good right now. And i'm getting a chance to do smthg that I always alwayss always wanted to do. I'm excited, and at the same time, a little nervous too.

* I have made new contacts and my social life is better now.

* I have finally started working on my book and it is progressing well.

*I wondered if I should write this last one. But I thought anyways, there aren't too many people who read this blog now. Besides, when I look back, its only going to make me happier. I wanted to do my bit for the society. Finally, I joined an NGO and is now teaching underprivileged kids.

So thats how the last year was. Things are looking really bright and 'm happy now. I have a few more things to work on. And I'm doing that at a steady pace. Hope that the good run continues........

Yours Happily

Me

Drops.....

That little drop of morning dew on the leaf

reminds me of the last night rain....

That little drop of ink bloated on paper

reminds me of my walk in the rain....

That little drop of tear on ur cheek

reminds me of the sorrow u hold in.....

That little drop of blood on a forgotten wound

reminds me that some wounds never heal....

Whats Uuuup?

Whats up? Absolutely nothing.! Yes, Thats how it is. Nothing exciting, interesting or eventful is happening right now. But I'm deliriously happy. Yes, I really am. There has never been a phase in my life where I have known such peace.

*Gratitude - I'm more and more aware of how truly blessed I'm. I was always a cribber. I used to crib and whine endlessly about what I din't have in life. I always compared myself with people who were doing better than me in life. But today, I'm really really grateful for what I have . Why on earth did I not count my blessings before? I don't know why it took me so long to understand the obvious. But this realization has changed my life for the better. I started looking at things from a new perspective. I need to thank a friend for this, who despite my total negativity, urged me to look at the brighter side always. Each time I was falling into a mess, he talked me out of it and infused in me a positive energy. Though I resisted it fiercely, I lapped up some and voila! I'm a new person now!

*Prayers - I discovered the power of prayers. I have always been a cynic. But I also maintained that the day I feel its power, I will openly announce it. And here I'm doing it. I still don't know how prayers work. I still don't know what is God or if there is even a God! Is God listening to ur prayers and granting ur wishes? Or is the positive energy u sent out (in the form of prayers) to the Universe, returned to u in the same amount? Or is God just the Energy sustained in the Universe.?I don't have the answers to all these. Yet, I gotta say that prayers have brought about a lot of changes in my life and I'm glad that it happened!

*Parents - I realised that my parents are indeed the besssstttt. And I don't say this cuz they are my parents. Anyone who has known them have been inspired by them. They are two of the most sacrificial people. In a world where people are plotting against each other to get ahead in life, these are two people who are willing to stand back, so that someone else can get ahead! But they also know when to fight when justice is not meted out. And I feel that having them as my parents make up for lack of almost everything else in my life. Every sorrow, every failure, every disappointment become trivial when I remind myself that I have 'Them' as my parents. How many people have that kind of luck?

* Love those who love me - I don't usually love people for what they give me. I love people for who they are. I love them for the qualities in them, not for the affection they bestow on me (tho it matters, its definitely not a deal-breaker). I'm not bothered about what I get from a relationship. But I'm bothered about what kind of people I'm associated with. As long as I approve of their character, I'm going to love them. On the other side, I don't always appreciate people who love me. I might totally ignore them if they don't fit my description of a "good person". Yeah, I'm crazy that way. But these days, I'm sending out love in all the right directions. I'm giving it out only to sources which sent it to my end. And I also try to make sure that I sent it out to every source( ermm... every source that is not creepy I mean) that sends love my way. So net result - Love doesn't get wasted. I don't end up loving people who don't give two hoots about me. And I also don't waste the love that is being bestowed on me. It is accepted gratefully and sent out in equal, if not more, measure.

* Detached-Attachment - I'm normally always a little detached. I don't really put my heart into anyone. But on those rare occasions, when I do get attached, I put the whole of my heart in there. Ahhh! And it breaks. At the most unexpected, inopportune moment, it breaks. So I decided that "detached-attachment" is the way to go. One of my friends recommended this strategy and I was mad at him. I thot he was a superficial moron. But then I decided to give it a thought. Even though I felt that smthg is not right about it, I gave it a try. And once I made that a way of life, I realised that it was a smart move. So now, I share my joys with others, but I have learnt to celebrate on my own. Occassionally, I lean on a shoulder to cry on, but I have learnt to hold in my sorrows, and be my own sounding board. I listen to others' grievances and problems, and even help them when I can, but I have learnt not to worry too much over them and consider them as MY problem. So yeah, I realised its not necessary to make others the centre of my world, I don't have to always worry whether I'm hurting others, and most importantly, I don't have to give the whole of my heart to others, a small piece would be just fine. After all, I'm such a wonderful person (let modesty go to the dogs), not everyone deserves the whole heart! wink ;) wink ;)

So, U get a five!!!

These are 5 random things about me :-

1. I get completely sentimental over food and sleep. Having to actually skip a meal or lack of sleep doesn't bother me much as such. But the mere thought of it makes me sentimental. I go "Ohhhh! my poor girl is starving and sleep-deprived".

2. When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be famous. And most of the time I wanted to become a famous actress. In my imagination, I was that actress with a huge fan following (ahem! ahem!) , who won lots of critical acclaim and ended up with all the awards. Jealous, are n't u?

3. When I grew up a little, I altered my dreams. I understood the stigma associated with being an actress, and altered my dream accordingly. Next in line was a television journalist as famous as Burkha Dutt. (Ye, I dream big). And I think for a good part of my life I used to actually believe that I would be one. I remember this incident when I was having a discussion with one of my seniors and she told me that TV journalists don't get paid well. That is when I told her that Burkha Dutt was paid well. Yep, I not only dreamt big, I did believe in my dreams as well.

4. When I was a lil kid, I used to filck toffies from the teacher's table. And boy! Was I good at that or what? If I had continued, by now I would have become a full blown criminal. (I don't know how it was in other schools. In our school, the kid with the birthday would distribute the toffies in the class he/she belonged to, and go on to distribute it to all the teachers in the school. So the teachers got a lot of toffies, almost every day.)

5. When I was 14, I wanted to marry cricketer Ajay Jadeja. He was quite a star then. And I had even made a "fool proof" plan to meet him. He hails from Haryana and so I made a plan to get to Haryana first. I thought and still think BITS Pilani is @ Haryana (my sis says it is @ Rajasthan, not sure), so I wanted to get an admission into BITS. And that was the single motivation for me to study hard. And once I got to Haryana, things would take its natural course ofcourse. I just had to go and watch one of his matches, and naturally he would spot me in the crowd and fall in love with me instantly.. Lol!

Words are few.....

A lot is happening, yet my words fail me....

I can't think of a title for this...

I can't think of a title for this one....Met up some old friends after a while. I cannot really define what the feeling was like. But at the end of it all, when I returned home, I felt quite heavy in the heart.

Relationships are always complicated. And I'm both good at them, and bad too. But, it is definitely one of my pet subjects. I love my solitude (which is very different from loneliness though). And I have a world exclusive to my own, which I guard closely. I treasure that world, and I don't want to give that up for anything in the world. In my world, I'm secure, I'm strong and I'm totally at peace. But I love people too. I love being with them, I enjoy their company, I love connecting with them on some level. It can be a total fun and casual relationship with no emotions attached, it can be a relationship based on shared interests or a shared history and may never go beyond that, or it can be something on a much deeper and emotional level. But whatever the nature of my relationships with them, I value them. I truly cherish them. And with people, all my security, confidence and strength is gone. And I get become vulnerable, emotional and insecure.

I cannot say who is more important to me. Because, each has a special place of their own. And each is irreplaceable. I honestly believe in that. Each person is different, hence the dynamics of each relationship is different. When I see that super boring (to the world), intellectual kinda arty movie that kinda struck a chord with me, I need to discuss it with someone. We may end up dissecting the movie scene by scene, applaud or criticise a particular dialogue and get into the skin of the character and try to feel what they felt. Now when I check out a new boutique that I particularly liked, or bought something new, I need to discuss it with someone who agrees with my sense of style. And there are times something funny catches my attention or there is a witty remark playing in my head, and then I immediately want to share it with someone who gets my brand of humour. Sometimes I need the company of people who share my enthusiasm for life. But at other times, I need people who can totally get my blues . There are times when I get disconnected from everything and get philosphical. So I really don't know who is more important to me. As I said, each has a special place. And if I have bothered to spend time with you and make a connection with you, u mean something to me. And you will be in my thoughts.

Full Of Goodness.....

Some people are so full of goodness that you cannot help, but love them. One such person is George Philip Sir, fondly called as G.P. Sir. He is a Physics professor at one of the colleges in Cochin and takes tuitions for the 11th and 12th students. While in school, I used to attend his tuition classes. He is undoubtedly a remarkable person. He is so full of goodness that as soon as I talk to him, I can feel the goodness flowing to me. His classes were quite popular among the students, and I always used to look forward to them. He made learning Physics quite entertaining. I remember how effortlessly he explained the functioning of machinery using everyday examples, like, how a mom and child wait at the bus stop and the child tries to run across, but the mom has got the child's hand firmly in hers. Such examples made it impossible to forget what we learnt. But more than his ability to teach, I adored the human being that he is. I don't remember a single time when he lost his temper. He would politely call out to the student who decides to chat up and say "Felixeee (that was his fav student in our batch) edakyyu ingottum koodi nokkane"... which means "Felix, do look this side once in a while". And when it was time to pay up our fees, he would reluctantly write it on the white board (never say it orally) and immediately rub it off. I guess he was too embarrased to talk about money. And he always seemed like a very simple person, full of goodness in him.

Years passed.... Priorities changed... I don't go for tuitions anymore. I used to think about G.P sir once in a while and was always filled with a sense of happiness. And today, I saw him unexpectedly at the college where he is teaching. And guess wot, I was overwhelmed with emotions. He was still full of goodness and I could feel that goodness suddenly flowing into me. And albeit for a moment, I was so full of goodness.....

Treasures

It was Harthal today and I had no choice but to stay indoors. Add to it a bad cough and the sluggish feeling after a long journey, I had to find something interesting to do. That is when I thought I should take a trip down the memory lane and take a look at all the old photographs. I knew it was all stacked in one suitcase and pushed under the cot. But so were many other suitcases. With my maid’s help, I dug out the said suitcase which was covered in dust, dusted it out and voila! I found such treasures.

I found my parents wedding album. My dad looked like a lost sailor. And my mom had an (un) – sexy pout. In every pic. She just wouldn’t smile. And it is not because she was sad. She definitely loved and still loves my Dad. And it is not even remotely because she thought it was sexy. Probably she was wearing lipstick for the first time and was self-conscious or scared that it would smudge. Or she was too weighed down by the attention she was getting and could barely smile. There were also black and white pics of my mom and her pretty friends in elegant sarees.

There were pics of the newborn me cuddled on my mom’s and granny’s laps. There was a pic where my then neighbour was trying to hug me. And the one-year-old me was clearly too big for her eight-year-old- arms. And there were loads of pics of mine where I looked pretty and plump in a pink dress. I was barely two, seated on a cane chair and was showing histrinonics. I was a drama queen even back then. One look at those pics and I knew that I was much loved, much adored, well-fed and taken good care of. I was the first grandchild in my mom’s family and back then I was the only one to bestow and lavish everyone’s affections on. I was the joy of their lives.

I saw pics of my Kindergarden days, always fighting for my parents attention after my sis was born. I completely doted on my younger sis though. The Ooty pic in a sleeveless brown and black striped dress where I put my arm around my sis is my mom’s favorite. I’m sulking in a couple of photographs because I din’t get to sit on my mom’s lap or so. And when all kids got their chocolates or horlicks, I was always the last one to get them. I would look expectantly waiting for my turn. And that Ooty pic again where my sis and my cousin each had a balloon in their hands. I so badly wanted one, but I decided to act all matured (fearing that Dad would scold me) and just smiled holding my sister’s hand. My mom looked very pretty in those pics – large eyes, long, black hair, big bindi – typical 80’s look that I so adore.

I saw my kindergarten class photo where I was wearing a frown, seated on the third row. And another girl D was sitting on the floor in the first row. I remember that I hated her. I don’t know why. Maybe because she had shaved her head or she always sucked her thumb. During those days mom and dad dropped us off at my granny’s place often. And our aunt used to tell us stories and make balls out of rice, dip it in curry and feed us. The stories were told to distract us from the curries we didn’t like and focused on the stories instead. The stories were mostly of me, my sis and our cousins driving off to forests and having many interesting adventures there. If my aunt had been a writer, she would have been the next Enid Blyton. And all her stories ended with D getting lost in the forest or being eaten up by a Tiger. Gee!

There was a sixth grade pic of mine with my class. I was the plumpest of the lot, but I think I looked cute in it. If only someone had told me that back then, I wouldn’t have cried buckets when somebody made fun of me. And I saw pics of me, my sis and my cousin as gawky teenagers. I had starved myself and lost loads of weight and looked dark and ugly. This is not to say that dark is ugly, but I looked horrible. Seriously. And then people were quick to point out that I looked so famished when I lost weight and I looked better when I was plump. What an unfair world it is! And there were pics of mine and my sis’ when we just hated each other. When ever a pic was taken, we made sure we stood 3 metres away from each other. And I remember how my aunt always told us to stand closer, put our arms around each other and show some love. How I hated them!

Then there were college pics, mostly of our Goa trip. I was always the fairest child in the family, but I did look darker than the other girls. Not that it mattered to me. There were other things that bothered me. I was clearly left alone in the gang of girls who put too much emphasis on phonetically correct English, relatives who lived abroad, fashion, good looks and lipstick. Not all were the same. I repeat, not all were the same. There were some really nice, genuine people as well. But I just din’t fit in. And then there were pics of my Chennai college days. I was probably the quietest among the crazy lot and the pics clearly showed that. To this day, I totally regret my five years of college. The choice of colleges and courses were mostly mine. And that is why I regret them too. I hated my school as well. But back then I didn’t have a choice. I had a choice with colleges. I did learn a lot of things, had fun, had both pleasant and unpleasant experiences. But I just din’t fit in there. Sigh!

Looks like my old memories made me more sad than happy. So then why are they called the Treasures. They are called thus, because I’m a sentimental person and attaches a lot of importance to even the unimportant sentiments. And it is these experiences which really made me who I’m.

Life Lessons Learnt

Sometimes life teaches u lessons that u never learn in school. These are what I learnt : -

1. Life is unfair. BUT, there is a balancing force in the Universe which evens out everything in life. You will realise its presence only when you pay attention. You may get away with murder, but later get framed when u are not guilty. You may cheat ur way thru exams, but then fail for another one even though u had slogged. You may butter ur boss and be his favourite, but lose out on a promotion which is rightfully urs. You may cheat on ur spouse, but badly get ur heartbroken. You may lose out on smthg which u deserve, but u will get smthg better when u least expect it. So yes, eventually everything will even out.

2. Genuine people are hard to find. If u have them in ur life, never lose them.

3. Don't go by someone's words alone. Even though words are important, know that their actions are more important.

4. Love the ones who love u, even though they don't meet your standards. There won't be too many anyways.

5. Do what u think is right, even if the world tells u that they are wrong. The world will secretly admire ur convictions and strength.

6. There will be times when u feel that honesty and sincerity have no place in the world. Don't get disheartened. Just stick on. Your time will come.

7. With patience , perseverance and planning, u can achieve almost everything.

8. Even if u wear a mask, what u have in mind will be out for the world to see. Both purity of heart and lack of it cannot go unnoticed for long.

9. Any worthy relationship will make u feel good about urself and make u a better person. If it doesn't, then its definitely not worth it. Cut it off without thinking too much.You will be spared a lot of torture.

10. Never expect anything in return. But never let anyone take u for granted.

How about some French?

Finally, after years of toying with the idea of learning French , I joined Alliance Francais for my French Class. It feels great to be a student again. I'm soo out of touch with sitting in class for a coupla hours, listening to lectures, taking down notes and doing homeworks. Yet, m enjoying every bit of it. The French guy who takes the class is cute and funny, the classes are interesting and interactive, the students are friendly and the language is beautiful. I just love going to the class, being a student, learning something new, goofing up when questioned etc. To begin with, the spellings and pronounciation never go together. Though French alphabets are the same as English, pronounciation and grammar vary a lot. But not an issue, I'm determined to learn the language. And someday, I hope to write a full post in French.

Au revoir

Project HAPPINESS

I have terrible mood swings. Thats just the way Iam. I get bitten by the blues every now and then. And the best way to not get caught unawares is to be prepared. And this is what I do...

1. Buy loads of movie DVDs (preferably the feel-good variety) and add to ur collection. So when ever I'm not feeling great, I catch a good movie.

2. Keep a collection of Feminas, Marie Claires, Cosmpolitans or Forbes. They are like instant happiness boosters. Sometimes a mere look at the latest trends in fashion will work wonders for me. If u are a voracious reader, u can buy books too. But books rarely do the trick for me. I need some warm up time ( which is unusually long, but depends on the book) to really get involved in the book.

3. Stock up on goodies in the refrigerator. The richer and the creamier the better. But m really trying not to do this.

4. Cut off people who don't make me feel good. They might be insensitive morons who make rude remarks... rich buggers whose talk on all things sophisticated make me realise how poor I'm... intimidating rascals who make u feel inferior, and smtimes rightly so... cribbers who crib about every damn thing on earth and drag me into their web of pessimism and negative thoughts... gossip mongers who gossip or bitch all the time and lure me into doing the same thing (yes, I'm weak-willed smtimes).... clingy people who give me no space and keep demanding one thing or the other... nags to whom I have to give explanations all the time, yet they never understand.... They may not be intentionally out to harm me. But if sharing space or thoughts with someone makes me feel any less happy, I cut them off. The list may be long, But I prefer it this way.

5. Interact more with happy, fun loving people. And happiness is definitely infectious.

6. Spend more time with my kiddo cousin. Their toothless smile, baby talk, little mischief and unexpected cuddles are pure joy.

7. Keep learning something new from time to time.

8. Pray

I'm loving it!!!!

I'm loving life right now! I'm the kind of person who gets totally kicked by the simplest of pleasures and gets totally upset by the smallest of disasters. But right now, I'm totally on top of the world. I'm truly happy. Some of the reasons are very personal, so I wouldn't disclose it. But here are the less personal ones. I may be a little mysterious here. But thats all I can reveal now...

One, I'm more sure of myself. I never thought this will happen to me. This doesn't mean that I won't be unsure tomorrow or the day after. But right now, I'm completely secure and totally @ peace. I think I even know .. hold ur breath... what I want in life. I have a vague idea atleast.

Two, I'm comfortable with myself. Now, I think its okay to be boring at times (which is like most of the time) and I don't have to try and entertain others all the time. I was always bogged down by the pressure to entertain. I lifted that pressure off me. Silence is no more awkward. I learnt that art of communicating through silence. I always loved the little details. Now I'm okay with saying whats just necessary. I don't really want to ruin what silence can achieve.

Three, I realised that people like me more than I thought they did. And does it feel good or wot? I have always thought I had major character flaws (I come across as intimidating, snobbish etc) on the exterior atleast, and it was difficult for people to see that I wasn't all bad. But looks like I was wrong.

Four, Friends have been really supportive and good. Some broken friendships which I thought can never be fixed have been fixed, some demanding friendships which I thought I can never let go has been left behind, made some deep friendships with genuine like-minded people, realised that some friends will always love me... It has been awesome!!!

Five, I'm not bored. Though I know to cook only a handful of things 'm pretty confident in the kitchen. I'm enjoying my piano classes and thats offering me enough entertainment. I discovered "Two and a half men" - a sitcom in Star World. I always knew it existed, but got to catch it only now and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

Six, I'm praying more and feels it works. Those of u know me, know that I was an agnostic. But now I have changed and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have always maintained that the moment I get an inner call, i will embrace it. But I will do it only in my own terms. No amount of forcing, cajoling or coaxing will work with me. And here, I got my inner call, though a faint one, and I'm opening myself to it. That doesn't mean that I don't have any doubts. I sure have them in plenty. That doesn't mean that I will accept and do everything people do. It just means that I have woken upto the possibility of a God. And it sure is very reassuring! :)

And thanks a lot to all u people who have stuck by me during tough times... yes, YOU, YOU and YOU.... You know who u are.... Thanks a lot... Love u all....

Happy Day!

Today is a Happy Happy Happy day for me!!!!!!!!!

Phew!!!!

I sooo wish I could take charge of my life and make things Happen. But I'm such a laid-back person that I always sit around and wait for things to happen on their own. But things rarely work out like that in life. But I just don't have the drive and the will power to take matters into my hand. Finally when I manage to talk myself into doing something, I fail at it miserably. I just don't trust myself to do anything properly. I'm such a loser!!!! I take two steps forward and take four steps backward. I just cannot seem to do anything right. I decide on doing something and focus hard, but then all those crazy thoughts playing in my head weigh me down. It takes away all hopes from me. I'm tired of this battle. I'm really tired of it.

RECEIVE...

Facebook has an application called God's message which I check regularly. Now I don't think it is God's message directly, cuz facebook is no saint. But the messages are all positive and make me feel good. So I check them regularly. This is what I got recently and I think I need to give it some serious thought...

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that it's okay to receive. Have you been the giver for so long that you have forgotten how to receive? Allow others to give you some of the love that you give so freely. Seek a balance between your giving and your receiving.

I do think I have a problem receiving just about anything - love, time, money, concern, attention or even a tiny favour. I don't claim to be too much of a giver either. But I'm definitely more comfortable giving than receiving. I wonder why is it so. A part of the problem lies with the whole trouble of ASKING.However close a relationship is, I'm often uncomfortable asking for smthg. One of the reasons is the fear of rejection. What if they say No? That is definitely gong to hurt my feelings. If not, it will atleast make me feel a bit awkward. What if they say Yes without really wanting to. That is going to be worse. I hate to be a burden or a nuisance to anyone. So either ways, it is going to be tough. I think it is much easier when someone volunteers to help me. But even then smthg inside me resists it fiercely. I'm just not comfortable with receiving anything. And I think it is because I feel I don't deserve anything - a feeling of unworth. I guess I need to really learn to Receive!!!

Right Now.....

1. I'm hit by the "bye-bye blues". I just don't like anyone leaving or me leaving anyone behind. Each time I have to do that, smthg in me hurt. And then I think of more such moments awaiting me.

2. Last two days were wonderful with loads of shopping/ window shopping, watching movies and conversations. I already miss them.

3. I wonder If I would always remember the people who are important to me right now. Would I forget them when life gets busier? Would I feel the same closeness that I share today? Would they even remember me? I will see less of the people I want to see everyday. I may even talk or mail less. Today, it breaks me to think that someday things might change. But when that 'someday' comes, all this won't matter.

4. I don't want to grow up. ( I mean grow old. I'm already grown up). I don't want things to change. I don't want to move on.

5. I gave an interview today and it went off decently well. But there were some unexpected surprises.

6. I have been trying hard and hoping so much for smthg and praying for it as well. And when things seemed smooth, I had to ruin it again. Why? Why? Why? Why am I so weak-willed?

7. I soo sooo sooooo want to belong!!!!!

Always...

I will always be beside you

until the very end,

wiping all the tears away

being ur best friend.

I will smile when u smile

and feel all the pain u do,

If u cry a single tear

I promise I will cry too

- Courtesy Internet

Life' s still good...

Previous post was a depressing one. But it was one of those days where everything was going wrong. But things are rosy and cheery once again. Thanks to all u guys who wrote in. It meant a lot to me.

I have an ever-expanding list of 'things to do', things to learn and 'things to change about myself'. I'm glad that finally I'm able to tackle them one by one, slowly yet steadily.

1. I'm finally out of a depression that I have been fighting for months. Though I sulk once in a while (that is allowed), I'm generally happy. Like they say, "if it doesn't kill u, it makes u stronger". And it definitely has made me stronger. I learnt very important lessons and now I feel I needed that bad phase. I'm glad I emerged out of it! Congratulations to me.

2. I have been thinking of a life style change for a long while. I know that I'm capable of so much more ( let modesty go to the dogs), but I'm not doing smthg right. To begin with, my time management sucks! But now I'm glad that I have brought about a life style change - daily walks, eating healthy, drinking loads of water, sleeping on time, reading more, thinking positively, controlling my urge to control everything, controlling my temper and praying. And it does feel very very good.

3. My relationship with my mom is improving. My mom has always been a great woman, a devoted wife and a doting mother. But like every daughter and mom, we had our occassional differences. And things became unbearable during those tumultous teenage years. That is the time when a girl needs her mom most. And I felt she was never around. I still hold it against her.

The fact that she holds a highly responsible job, is fiercely ambitious, has a lotta younger siblings emotionally and otherwise dependent on her and has a wide network of friends, added to the problem. I felt that she had time for everyone else and everything else in the world, but me. I was always mad @ her that she never tried to fix things. I know that she loves me a lot, but our relationship was never the way I wanted it to be. So finally I thought that instead of expecting her to take an initiative, I should take things into my hands. I felt that I should appreciate her more and criticise her less. And finally things have become so much better.

4 I have turned into a decent cook. I still need to check recipes to cook an okay-ish dish. Thanks to online recipes, mom and helpful aunts, I'm managing quite well. I have a long way to go. But I was someone who entered the kitchen to just make lime juice ( not even tea unless on those rare ocassions) or STIR ( Yeah, I love stirring. I feel very important when I do that. Lol!) There were times when I have tried making a 'thoran' or a 'mezhukkupuratti' or 'chappathis', but the results were disastrous. And about chopping veggies? Don't even get there. Even the apples and pears that I chop don't come out neat and uniform. But I din't lose hope. I was told that I may have 'kaipunyam" cuz my great grandmom, grandmom and mom are great cooks and I would have inherited their skills. And guess wot, my great grandmom is the eldest daughter of her parents, my grandmom is the eldest daughter of my great grandmom, my mom is the eldest daughter of my grandmom and I'm the eldest daughter of my mom. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. But i do find this a bit amusing. Guess wot, I have always been told that girls should learn to cook cuz eventually they are going to someone else's house to cook for some one else. The feminist in me totally detested this. The whole idea of me learning to cook so that a total stranger and his family can be fed was just beyond me. I just couldn't picture myself slaving in the kitchen while totally unrelated people feast .I did everything to make sure that I don't learn cooking. I thought cooking was a very uncool thing to do. I know I know, I was naive to think such thoughts. But if only my grandmom had told me that cooking is a life saving skill and will only make me more independent, I would have been truly fascinated. So from that girl who yelled at anyone who mocked at me for not knowing cooking, I have come a long way.

5. I have started my piano classes and I'm completely enjoying it. Though I can't sing, I have always been very musically-inclined (who is not?). I consider myself a rhythmic person ( whatever that means, I just like the idea) and I can be completely moved by a certain song and listen to it for hours on end and not get bored. So I thought I should be able to create music for my own amusement. And from there began my desire to learn musical instruments. So someday I want to be able to play the Piano, Guitar, Violin and Jazz..someday.. and I guess Piano is a great start. I'm glad that finally I found the time, (a nearby) place and the inclination to go for it. Well... I have just attended 3 classes and right now I'm just training my fingers. It began with the finger exercises . I need to make my fingers more nimble. Right now, when I press my pinky finger, the ring finger doesn't stay still. But somehow I'm already lovinggg it.

6. I'm finally getting a chance to learn French. I have been wanting to learn French for the past 7 years but things never worked out. I have made numerous calls to Alliance Francaise , always telling them that I will join the next time. I even joined it once but could attend only few classes because of my hectic work schedule. But this time things look brighter and I'm more determined. And the best part is that I'm getting a 50% reduction on the course. The course which originally costs Rs 5000/- is now available at Rs 2500/-. What a beautiful deal!!! I also want to learn German, Italian, Spanish, Korean, Japanese and Bengali someday...

Thats it for now... I thought I owe myself a good post...

Medley...

Lot of thoughts crossing my mind... I'm not in a mood to write multiple posts, so squeezing them all into one...

1. I'm extremely lazy these days. I wake up and lie on my bed for another two hours. Then after I climb down the stairs I refuse to make myself coffee ( convincing myself that coffee is bad for health) and omlette ( cuz I really don't think its worth the trouble. Today I made one tho, sans onion and green chillies). I don't toast my bread. Again not worth the trouble. After I'm done with the breakfast, I plonk on the bed, take the newspaper out, stare and fall asleep. I wake up, decide not to read the newspaper , insert a DVD into my DVD player, but I realise that I don't want to watch the movie. I contemplate if I should walk on the treadmill and that would kinda freshen me up. But that would mean I will have to take a shower immediately after that. But what if I'm not in a mood to shower after the walk. Then I would end up being all sweaty. And while I lie there in a state of sluggishness, I don't realise it is past lunch time. I don't want to cook, I don't even want to heat up stuff from the refrigerator. All I really want to do is lie down and think think and think till I sleep. And when I wake up, I want to think more till I sleep again. Right now, I'm not feeling terrible. I'm just bored. And guess wot, I'm thoroughly enjoying this boredom. I'm not complaining at all. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk, go out, meet people, eat, read, watch movies or have fun. I don't want to change myself. I have accepted that this is how I'm and this is how I will be. I find comfort in this boredom, in this sluggishness, in this lack of purpose.

2. I want to belong.... Somewhere. Belonging no where is a not a great feeling. All my life I have been trying to do two things - To belong and then to severe ties and not belong. But now I want to belong.

3. I suffer from a severe case of identity crisis. I don't think like most people. So does that make me a social outcast? Does that make me a rebel? But I don't do all those outrageous things that rebels do. So what does that make me? Where do I belong?

4. I said in point 1, that I'm happy. But as I write this I'm getting depressed. I want to cry but my tears have dried up.

5. I wonder if I will be ashamed of this post. If so, I will take it off later.

6. I'm missing my sis terribly.

7. I want a nephew or niece. And this is not cuz I want to have kids. When I say a nephew or niece, I just want that. Its such a thrill being their favourite aunt or their only aunt. I get majorly jealous when I see friends with young niece or nephew. And feel sorry for friends with kids. They may love their life, but that doesn't make me feel any less sorry.

8. I hate it when older people talk about marriage like it is a vacation or so much fun. Both them and I know that marriage is not a vacation. And about people telling me how they want to attend my marriage cuz they are going to have fun and my grandmom wants to see me as a bride before she dies.... I think its too silly. It puts a lot of unnecessary pressure now. For all u know, the day u get married is just ONE day of ur life, the what u ask for in the bargain is a life long commitment. Funnily enough, people talk about just that ONE day. They all want to be part of that pre-wedding excitement, all the talks, do shopping, dress up, arrive in style, play their respective parts , dress me up and have a great time and then send me off.

9. For once, I want to be normal. I just want to think the normal thoughts, do the normal things and be happy with a normal life. I'm just tired of being the complicated person that I'm.

10. I'm more depressed now. I'm wondering if I should stop writing this.

11. I want to talk to someone. But at this point of time, I cant think of even one person I really want to talk to.

12. People who I like don't understand my craziness. People who understand my craziness, I don't like them sometimes.

13. I want to take charge of my life. But I really don't want to.

14. I'm tired of fighting, arguing and crying. I don't have the strength to go on. I'm going to give up.