Thursday, August 23, 2007

Sad times are here to stay!!

PS (pre-script.. gee!) – I thought I should put this at the beginning of the post. The title of the post and the content may not be in-sync. I set out to write something very personal, but lost track and found myself in the middle of a wider conflict. But I hope I somehow get around to write what I really wanted to write. The following post can be a lil unorganized. Blame it on my current mood. What r blogs for after all? You can get people to read whatever crap u write n always back it up with an explanation that its ur personal space and nobody should judge. How clever r we bloggers??

What is so enchanting about ‘sadness’ that I keep inviting this unpleasant visitor into my life more often than others do? Why is it that I always have (erm.. find rather) a problem to sulk, rant or cry over? I’ve tried probing myself further on the matter, but failed with little result. I spend way too much time thinking, analyzing and dissecting everything that makes any significance and sense to me. Some one called my generation ‘The over-analytical generation’. He couldn’t have been more right. Like I said to a friend later - our generation feels a need to delve deep into everything, fretting over the regular things (read those things which have been done by generations without thinking twice), wanting to be different, trying to be rebellious, but in the end either messes it all up or just ends up doing exactly what our parents’ generation did. And to think that they did it all without fretting. And to make things worse, I realized, I can be taken as the best example. Well that said, I made a remark that we have just ourselves to bank on. And my friend readily agreed. I was a lil disappointed. I was secretly hoping that she thought otherwise. I wanted to believe that the world is indeed a rosy place, only I’m messed up in the head to carry such lousy thoughts. N, u shattered me! Do I need more reasons to be sad?

Back to wot I started out with … I always find a reason to cry. Maybe I really have reasons to cry or its just that my thinking process is totally screwed up. And I envy all those happy souls – I envy the sheer luck of the ones who have ‘more reasons’ to be happy and envy the contentment of those who I think have ‘fewer reasons’ to be happy. I read somewhere “Don’t tell others your problems. 70% don’t care and the rest 30% are glad”. Well… In that case, you cant make others any happier by narrating your happy stories either. Don’t get me wrong people. I do feel happy for others. But sometimes, I’m just not in the mood. Holy shit! I lost track again…

I constantly indulge in self –assessment, listing out my inadequacies, regretting the wrong things I have done, cursing myself for the right things I have never done, so on. I either cling on to my past or worry over my future, all the while neglecting the present. And when the current ‘present’ becomes the past, I cry over losing that to. I wish I could live life for the moment! Life would have been so much happier!!!

My current mood is that of regret. Regret for not valuing some people who had crossed paths with me at various phases in my life. When they were with me, I created a wall around cuz I though they dint meet my standards. I disregarded them, avoided them by feigning aloofness and sometimes even hurt them with my indifference. But I realized, each time a lil late, how much they really meant to me. I thought tearfully about all the loving gestures I received, all the timely help they extended, all the insightful talk we shared. And I realized that I truly miss their presence in my life. But today, things are different. I cannot reach out to them ever again, despite badly wanting to. I curse myself for not realizing the value of these people who actually valued n loved me. There are many others who met standards, whom I respected n loved and still continue to do so. But then with a heavy heart I realize that people are irreplaceable. People I have, cannot fill in for people I lost. Only ‘they’ can be ‘them’. I don’t need others in their place. This sense of loss will haunt me forever. But I repeat the same mistakes. Trip to sadness-ville is guaranteed.

P.S (This time it is post script) – Excuse me for all the grammatical n language errors. I can’t care less (remember bout blogger’s personal space and we being clever). Oh boy! This post can make me embarrassed on a more sensible day. I’m sure to delete it then. But I hope that all those people I hurt get to read this before that.


Macabreday said...

how true, that the positives in our life are often obscured by the negatives that we blow up.

what better way to deal with sadness, than to cry it out. healthy normal people cry. why stuff it all inside and make it explode out when you least expect it?

finally, remember that everyone who crosses our path has some value, even if we dont recognize it. The best we can do is to just be nice to people we bump into on our way up the hill, because we will see them again on our way down :)

diyadear said...

hey gal lemme tell u sumthing from my exp
“Don’t tell others your problems. 70% don’t care and the rest 30% are glad”. its 100% true.. n i think the same is true about happiness. not all r really happy to c u happy.. so now tell me wat do u want to show others.? the happiness or sadness?? both r equally bad i tell u.. i think friends are to sare all the light moments in life with.. for all the major ones u have only urself to count on.. ofcourse there r surely some who have fiends who will selflesly help.. N for that u have to be lucky.. value fiendship, but dont compare urself to others.. for ur unique and value urself for wat u are irrespective of the situations.. N cheer up dear..

accidental diva said...

hey..I know how u feel..I've always over analysed situations..cried over silly matters and have fought n hurt people I love in the past..but then now I realize that this is just a part of growing up:)...
n' I seriously think crying is wonderful..its so much better than bottling things up inside!!

n secondly u should not be embarrassed by what u've written,in my experience writing down stuff always help..n one day u'll look back on this n laugh for sure.

so cheer up gal...n I agree,v bloggers are clever:):)oh ya thanx for adding me to your list:)

Ravi said...

Nice blog u got n gud article :))

Pointblank said...

@ mac
lemme go have a good cry.. sigh!

I sure will gal

@ accidental
most welcome. and thanks to u too!

thanks for dropping by... hope to c more of wot u have written too..

sansmerci said...

you sound like me .. on my 'personal space' not knowin wat to write in there.. but u spoke my mind.. its not just u .. now m wonderin if its everyone! cos i thought its just me [:(]... we have a lot in common i decide to believe .. i cant accpet eveyrone in this regard, it hurts me to think m not unique yes ur rite bout our generation..

Pointblank said...

@ sansmerci..

Swar.. u made my day gal! I was feeling very very low and even decided to skip dinner.(Now that doesnt happen always. I skip But dinner? NEVER). And ur comment brightened me up a lil.(But I'm stil skipping my dinner. Lets say m too lazy to fix it).

And "it hurts me to think m not unique" - LOL! U cant be more right I say!!

Little Miss Muffet said...

a few years back, i would have felt exactly the same. i often wondered whether i liked being miserable. I think it's just a phase. I'm no longer that sort of person and a few years later, you won't be too..

a romantic pickle! said...

hey.. liked ur blog as well... u write the truth! sure u can blog roll me!

Pointblank said...

Thanks for the encouraging words. I hope I get over this phase!

Thanks. Keep going romantically.

pink ginger 珂琳 said...

It is ok to cry, is the way to 'let it go'. Crying isn't a bad thing to me, I feel better after crying sometime.
Life is always a challenge, ups and downs, is just part of it.

sansmerci said...

gal... post somethin..y the long silence

Pointblank said...

@pink ginger
Yup, life is sure challenging. u just got to be up to it.

nothing interesting to write swar..
gimme topics!!

sansmerci said...

ur askin me for topics... hehe

Ps said...

I do hope you feel better soon and the sadness goes away.Looking at the date that this is posted on--I guess you are in a different mood right now.
Thanks so much for the kind words on my blog.They meant a lot.
It has been an year now and I wrote again about going home.Click
here if you want to read it.

aryan said...

Sadness, its like a drug, can be very addicting =) Regret for the past should not be an excuse for inaction in the present. What you are passing up right now, while wallowing into the past, may be cause for regret tommorow =)