Looking back... at the year that went by....

New Year is a few months away. But i turn a year older in a couple of days. Nothing is going to change drastically in a few days that lead to my birthday, but a lot has changed in the past one year. I have made peace with myself, learnt a few realities, gladly accepted the things that I cannot change, and I evolved into a more secure person. But the most important change in me is that I started being grateful for a lot of things I have in life. And when I started counting my blessings, I realised that there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Last year has been a roller coaster ride for me. There were some ups and downs. There were some very exciting, exhilarating, and even intoxicating highs, but there were also some depressing lows and I hit rock bottom. The year didn't begin very well. There were moments of deep pain when I felt that someone was stabbing me deep with a sharp knife and my heart was cut into million little pieces. And I felt that these pieces of my heart will never be together as one. Each time I made an effort to move, smile or talk, one of this piece would cut me through. I thought I would never be able to laugh heartily again. Forget about laughing, I thought I would never be able to smile again, without feeling something pricking me from inside. My world had come crashing down and I couldn't pull myself together. And on top of that I lost a friend (or rather we mutually decided to lose each other) who I thought I would never lose in life. One after other, things went from bad to worse. I went to bed with a heavy heart, cried myself to sleep, smtimes stayed up till early morning pouring my heart out into my diary, waking up feeling empty and with swollen eyes, wanting to be held and comforted with reassuring words, but found myself lonely. But I emerged out of it, as a healthier and happier person. And yeah, I count my blessings now, more often than ever. So I'm going to list down the positive things that happened in my life for the past one year.

* I made a really really close friend. Someone who completely understands me, cares for me and someone to whom I can talk about anything in the world. Once I got to know her better , I realised that we have a lot more in common than I thought. She has become a sort of an emotional partner for me. She is a really genuine and thoughtful person and I love her for what she is.

* My relationship with my mom has become great now.

* Someone with whom I had parted in bitter terms is back in my life now. All the bitterness have been resolved. Now when I look back, there is no sorrow or anger, just fondness.

* A wound that has been hurting me a lot has finally healed. And now I can finally laugh heartily.

* There was some one who inspired and impressed me a lot. She is the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. She is genuine and real, shares my wavelength, has a sweet sense of humour, is great to talk to, has got a lot of class, loves words and is absolutely a pleasure to be with. We had lost touch for so many years and finally we are in touch again.

* I thought that distance will kill some friendships, but it didn't. Infact, some friendships became stronger than before.

* I had always wanted to learn few foreign languages and take some piano classes. And I could finally do that this year. I took up French and cleared my DELF examinations. My piano classes are going on well, though sometimes it can really drive me crazy. I know how the fingers of my right hand should move. I know how the fingers of my left hand should move. But when I move both my hands together, it is total chaos. But with little bit practice, I want to really master it. And now I feel I actually can.

* Work looks good right now. And i'm getting a chance to do smthg that I always alwayss always wanted to do. I'm excited, and at the same time, a little nervous too.

* I have made new contacts and my social life is better now.

* I have finally started working on my book and it is progressing well.

*I wondered if I should write this last one. But I thought anyways, there aren't too many people who read this blog now. Besides, when I look back, its only going to make me happier. I wanted to do my bit for the society. Finally, I joined an NGO and is now teaching underprivileged kids.

So thats how the last year was. Things are looking really bright and 'm happy now. I have a few more things to work on. And I'm doing that at a steady pace. Hope that the good run continues........

Yours Happily

Me

Drops.....

That little drop of morning dew on the leaf

reminds me of the last night rain....

That little drop of ink bloated on paper

reminds me of my walk in the rain....

That little drop of tear on ur cheek

reminds me of the sorrow u hold in.....

That little drop of blood on a forgotten wound

reminds me that some wounds never heal....

Whats Uuuup?

Whats up? Absolutely nothing.! Yes, Thats how it is. Nothing exciting, interesting or eventful is happening right now. But I'm deliriously happy. Yes, I really am. There has never been a phase in my life where I have known such peace.

*Gratitude - I'm more and more aware of how truly blessed I'm. I was always a cribber. I used to crib and whine endlessly about what I din't have in life. I always compared myself with people who were doing better than me in life. But today, I'm really really grateful for what I have . Why on earth did I not count my blessings before? I don't know why it took me so long to understand the obvious. But this realization has changed my life for the better. I started looking at things from a new perspective. I need to thank a friend for this, who despite my total negativity, urged me to look at the brighter side always. Each time I was falling into a mess, he talked me out of it and infused in me a positive energy. Though I resisted it fiercely, I lapped up some and voila! I'm a new person now!

*Prayers - I discovered the power of prayers. I have always been a cynic. But I also maintained that the day I feel its power, I will openly announce it. And here I'm doing it. I still don't know how prayers work. I still don't know what is God or if there is even a God! Is God listening to ur prayers and granting ur wishes? Or is the positive energy u sent out (in the form of prayers) to the Universe, returned to u in the same amount? Or is God just the Energy sustained in the Universe.?I don't have the answers to all these. Yet, I gotta say that prayers have brought about a lot of changes in my life and I'm glad that it happened!

*Parents - I realised that my parents are indeed the besssstttt. And I don't say this cuz they are my parents. Anyone who has known them have been inspired by them. They are two of the most sacrificial people. In a world where people are plotting against each other to get ahead in life, these are two people who are willing to stand back, so that someone else can get ahead! But they also know when to fight when justice is not meted out. And I feel that having them as my parents make up for lack of almost everything else in my life. Every sorrow, every failure, every disappointment become trivial when I remind myself that I have 'Them' as my parents. How many people have that kind of luck?

* Love those who love me - I don't usually love people for what they give me. I love people for who they are. I love them for the qualities in them, not for the affection they bestow on me (tho it matters, its definitely not a deal-breaker). I'm not bothered about what I get from a relationship. But I'm bothered about what kind of people I'm associated with. As long as I approve of their character, I'm going to love them. On the other side, I don't always appreciate people who love me. I might totally ignore them if they don't fit my description of a "good person". Yeah, I'm crazy that way. But these days, I'm sending out love in all the right directions. I'm giving it out only to sources which sent it to my end. And I also try to make sure that I sent it out to every source( ermm... every source that is not creepy I mean) that sends love my way. So net result - Love doesn't get wasted. I don't end up loving people who don't give two hoots about me. And I also don't waste the love that is being bestowed on me. It is accepted gratefully and sent out in equal, if not more, measure.

* Detached-Attachment - I'm normally always a little detached. I don't really put my heart into anyone. But on those rare occasions, when I do get attached, I put the whole of my heart in there. Ahhh! And it breaks. At the most unexpected, inopportune moment, it breaks. So I decided that "detached-attachment" is the way to go. One of my friends recommended this strategy and I was mad at him. I thot he was a superficial moron. But then I decided to give it a thought. Even though I felt that smthg is not right about it, I gave it a try. And once I made that a way of life, I realised that it was a smart move. So now, I share my joys with others, but I have learnt to celebrate on my own. Occassionally, I lean on a shoulder to cry on, but I have learnt to hold in my sorrows, and be my own sounding board. I listen to others' grievances and problems, and even help them when I can, but I have learnt not to worry too much over them and consider them as MY problem. So yeah, I realised its not necessary to make others the centre of my world, I don't have to always worry whether I'm hurting others, and most importantly, I don't have to give the whole of my heart to others, a small piece would be just fine. After all, I'm such a wonderful person (let modesty go to the dogs), not everyone deserves the whole heart! wink ;) wink ;)