Kidding myself!

How long could I be kidding myself??? I get myself into believing that it is all alright. But deep inside I know it is not. I'm the creator of my own myseries, they say. Little do they know what it is to feel miserable. Else they wouldn put the onus on me. It is like telling me that 'm cutting my flesh into lil pieces. Why would I ever do that??

Then I look around. I see the unfortunate and the underprivileged. And then I ask myself what right do I have to cry?? I'm blessed in so many ways. And all I think about is what is out of my reach. I forget to value everything that I have. So then again I kid myself. I tell myself I have everything I need. Or I need only what I have. Even when I know its not true.

Sometimes I wish I could be shallow. Bcuz the deeper you are, the deeper it hurts. And I have a bloody soul. It wudn rest with a false solace!!!

Let me be me

The wound just wouldn't heal
and the stubborn pain refuses to leave
its pierced me deep, tugging at my flesh
but m holding it close, for a false solace.


My eyes are dry
my head is dizzy
and I 've put on a fake smile


I've no sunshine here
no cheer to spread
I sell no dreams of vibrant hues
Would u still want me to stay?


I'm tired of this facade
Can I tear away this mask?
for its hurting me


Can I shed a tear?
for I cant hold it back any longer


Can I not smile
for my lips are sucked dry


Can I be me?
For once, will u pls let me be me????

Not tagged, yet a tag!

Well… Nobody tagged me this time. I took it up shamelessly from Mac’s. Anyways he was generous and said anyone can. And I sooo loved this one. So here it goes :-

I realized that things have changed, so I have a fresh set of things to tell people. So here is the edited version.

Ten things I wish I could say to people right now

1. I miss u, sometimes terribly too!

2. I'm sad that I messed things up. I should have been smarter.

3. Hey woman! I hate u cuz I know u are not as nice as u pretend to be. I also know that u are cheating at least one person. I'm also sure that you don't deserve what u are getting. I wish u rot in hell. No wait, I can't wait that long. I wish u rot in earth itself.

4. Hey woman! are u playing with people's hearts? Pls don't. You are a nice person, but u din't always do the nicest things.

5. I like u a lot. But u gossip too much. And I do think jealousy is one of ur negative traits.

6. I have a really good time with u, still I don't like u as much as I'm supposed to like u.

7. I like u a lot. But I just don't like that you are being so biased.

8. Every time I'm down, it helps a lot when I talk to u.

9. I wish I knew u better.

10. We are very different, still u are awesome!

Nine things about myself.

1. I’m impressed by chivalry. Yet it embarrasses me. And I wonder if it’s for real.
2. I cry very often (but never in public) sometimes I cry late into the night worrying bout losing people I love.

3. I keep my word. And go great lengths to ensure it.
4. I can adore someone as much as I despise them.
5. I’m an absolute absent minded freak.
6. I don’t trust anyone easily.
7. But you can trust me. Confide, and ur secret is safe with me.
8. Get into my bad books and you run the risk of being there. Forever.
9. It’s extremely difficult for me to say Goodbye. Sometimes I avoid meeting people cuz I cant face the good bye part.


Eight ways to win my heart.
1. Talk well, write well, dress well, look good. – Yeah superficial I know. But first impression??

2. Make me laugh. And laugh with me. Match my wits. And win me over.

3. Confide in me

4. Have a deep conversation with me / Inspire me.

5. Be modest and honest. Tell me the truth. Even when it hurts. But learn the art of diplomacy.

6. Share my interests/traits. Even the not so great ones.

7. Be unconventional.

8. Tell me all the dumb things u have done. Makes me feel better. And I’l think you’re cute.


Seven things that cross my mind a lot –
1. My parents health.
2. My future.
3. Death/ life’s mysteries/ God/ religion
4. I wish I was a man!!
5. Pls own up when you are wrong. I appreciate it. And even though its difficult to forgive, I’l try.
6. Ask a lotta questions ONLY if I like u. Else u repel me.
7. Ask me politely. U will get almost anything. Order me around. Sorry, u lost ur chance!

Six things I wish I never did.
Hmmm… I don’t regret anything that I have done. Regret not doing certain things though.


Five turn off's

1. Control freaks
2. chauvinists/lechers
3. being curt
4. being selfish.
5. atrocious sense of dressing / make up

Four turn on's.

1. A sense of humour
2. Gentleness
3. beauty
4. intensity – whatever that means ;)

Three things I want to do before I die.

1. Spend more time with people I love.
2. Chase my dreams.
3. Be the first one to die. I cant watch my loved ones die. Neither can I live without them.

Two smileys that describe me
;)
:o

One confession.
At every point in time, I wish I was someone else, living elsewhere.

Fun or funny???

Someone told me the other day - "U r obviously fun girl! but not so much funny!"

I wonder what's really the difference. Any idea guys??

The 'This... Or That' game

This game is draining me out, emotionally! Its breaking me to bits. Life is throwing different options, and all I need to do is weigh the pros and cons and pick the best one. But in typical Libran style, I’m dodging things due to my indecisiveness. I don’t want to miss out on a wonderful opportunity. Nor Do I want to end up making the wrong decision and regret for the rest of my life. This is a decisive phase, and m indecisive! Sigh!..

Chic(k) Fever

The following is a post I wrote around 3 yrs back on a different blog (That this was the ONLY post in that blog is another story!) The context of the post is relevant today, yet certain aspects are not. Yet I have kept it completely unchanged!

Avian Influenza, more fondly referred to as Bird Flu is the latest thing to hit the headlines. Each time me and my ‘pure’ non-vegetarian fellow beings heave a sigh of relief at its eradication, its back with more gusto. It has made it impossible for chicken -hearted chicken lovers to eat anything at all. One can’t even gulp down a glass of cold coffee with cream, in peace. Why, cream can have eggs too. So does delightful to look at, heavenly to eat chocolate cakes. And if one chooses to binge on some safer varieties of non-vegetarian, a concerned friend warns us about the unlikely chance of chicken being mixed with it. Here, we are not exactly questioning the sanity of the chefs, but accidents do happen!


At this point in time, I lose hope and turn to God Almighty. I ask him, “God, why do you always put us non vegetarian patrons to test? Us, who cant do with out it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, sometimes brunch, and don’t really mind snacking on their different varieties through out the day. Why doesn’t any one hear about deadly diseases that catch vegetables, which when consumed can churn out human intestines? ” Iam still awaiting an answer from above.


Post- tsunami was a dreaded phase for all the fish lovers of the world. People with faint hearts (and stomachs) had to think twice before devouring those thorny delicacies. Then there was Anthrax, which caught the cows and the pigs. I wondered why God dint give these four-legged creatures a chance to die a more noble death – by satiating some incurable non-vegetarian’s craving!!! Now who is responsible if they go to hell? And the latest to join the bandwagon is the chic fever.



I call it chic fever for very specific reasons, because anything to do with this deadly disease has become fashionable. This time the trendsetter was the Ministry Of Health and Welfare itself. In an all out attempt to win the foodies back, the Ministry indulged in a daily dose of very explicit ‘Go For It’ ads. For the benefit of the uninitiated, the chic fever did serious damage to the poultry business. So the national newspapers, obviously under the ministry’s demand, carried pictures of mouth-watering Tandoori chicken full and boiled eggs, with a copy convincing us that it is perfectly safe to consume chicken and shying away from digging into it is nothing short of stupidity. Next day we hear the news of another thousands of hens being culled!!! At this juncture, Iam deeply moved by the caring concern of the Ministry. They definitely felt that dying was a better option than holding back one’s urges. Or they probably believed that all of us had to die one day, so why not eat to one’s heart’s content and die a peaceful death.


The ministry’s ‘eat-chicken’ campaign was in the lines of ‘winning confidence back’ ad campaigns that Pepsi and Cadbury’s ran – Pepsi, when accused of containing pesticides and Cadbury’s to defend the presence of worms in their chocolates. Iam forced to think that Ministry lacks credible ideas. An ad featuring ‘Punjab da Puttar’ Virender Sehwag digging into Tandoori Murg and then hitting a sixer (If the Ambanis can, so can they) or better still, two nubile nymphets fighting over a piece of chicken, all the while ignoring the hot dude beside them, would have appealed to the audience.



It took an interesting or rather enlightening conversation with my maid to make a cynic like me probe beyond the obvious. She was understandably excited because for her, the chic fever is a blessing in disguise. She and her family, her three kids included, are thrilled because chicken is now available at affordable prices, sometimes even free. Then I think about many such people, who would prefer eating chicken, risking death to starving themselves to death. So like everything else, this chic fever too is a two-sided affair. Only I was a little late to realize. We might not always know how, but God definitely has a plan. Amen.

Women.....As we know them

When life got busier, I moved away from friendships and acquaintances forged at an earlier phase of life. I could afford to lose them and go on to bigger things, and today I can afford to look back at them with fondness. The last year has been one of rebonding-with-old-pals types. And what did I find?? Boys, I must admit, have remained the same all through these years. Only they have become a little serious since the last time we met. Priorities have changed but of course. They have moved on from bikes, babes and booze to make more money. Pray why?? For better bikes, babes and booze. Boys will always be boys!!! Women, on the other hand , have changed. Each meeting with old female acquaintances shed some light on how they grew and I was tempted to put then into little boxes.



The Single, Independent Women – Slogged their assess off to make a career for themselves. Fiercely independent, one admires their confidence just as one despises their arrogance. In typical corporate jargon, they talk about their six-figure income, high-profile meetings, busy schedules, deals clinched and battles won. Hiding behind that aggressive façade and tired eyes is a vulnerable soul lamenting over broken friendships, lost sleep and loneliness.



The Happily Married Women – Married early to rich men, sacrificing education, career and independence, but thought nothing of it. They throw subtle references to trips made to exotic foreign locations and their brand new diamond collections. They are ladies with class, so stating things explicitly will be thoroughly out of the question. Though comfortably tucked in their cocooned life, they regret not making a mark of their own. And since they don’t work to contribute monetarily to the house, they have more time, but less liberty.



The Single, Dependent Women – Screwed up on their studies, because they were busy having fun. Couldn’t make a rewarding career for themselves cuz they were dating men. Full of hope and despair, they still are dependent on the men in their lives (read fathers, boyfriends). They have enviable tales to narrate bout the exciting adventure called life. Suddenly they realize life needs more stability and security, but find that the men they were dating fall short of being the right guy.. Their education is either inadequate or inappropriate to take them to great heights. They realize it’s too late to start all over again, but too early to stop dreaming.


Each of the meetings I had were planned to renew friendships and catch up on old pals. And look what I got. Love has been totally lost. From their hearts as well as mine. What could have been a pleasnt walk down the memory lane, ended up being some kinda 'who has gotten ahead" contest. Every sentence uttered had an undertone of “hey, I’m having a better life”. And though I wasn’t prepared for this, I fell into it headlong, each and every time. And at the end of it all, I realized that the picture I had in mind of these women as lil girls were far more comforting than met the eye. I'm sad I ruined that beautiful picture!!!

PS: There is poll put up at the right corner. pls vote. Thanks in advance!

And tho 1 and 3 remain the same, the 2nd option is actually interesting, moderately well off n ugly!!! (unattractive was just a polite way of putting it. And this is with refernce to in case 2 ONLY) I realized I had placed it above the rest!

Lost...

Recently I read a blog where the last post (at the time of reading) was on life - offering us different choices or it imposing on us. Now I dont seem to find that blog. I dont remember the blog title either. I'm sure I reached that space through some of ur blogs. Do comment if u know this blog!

Soul searching!!!

Your Life Path Number is 9

Your purpose in life is to make the world better You are very socially conscious and a total idealist. You think there are many things wrong with the world, and you want to fix them. You have a big idea of how to world could be, and you'll sacrifice almost anything to work towards this dream. In love, you can easily see the beauty in someone else. And you never cling too tightly. You are capable of great love, but it's hard for you to focus your love on one person or relationship. You have a lot of outward focus, and you tend to blame the world for your failures. You are often disappointed by the realities of life - it's hard for you to accept the shortcomings of the world.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Your Love Number is 4

You are a creative and expressive lover - a true romantic at heart. An introspective soul, you know exactly how your ideal relationship should be. But if you don't get that ideal, you tend to get a bit pouty and dramatic. You need someone who can roll with the punches, that's for sure!

What Is Your Love Number?

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a great sense of humor and wit. You're always diplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Modifying

Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

What's Your Thinking Style?

People! $#$# off!

How I loath receiving advice! Esply on something real personal. And more so when the advisor believes in stereotypical gender roles!! I so Bloody hate it. When somebody tells me "hey.. this is what a woman should do!" Then I will NEVER do it. Who created these roles after all? Whatever we say bout moving ahead, we still live in regressive times. We never, once think about straying from laid down rules. Thatz unthinkable! A woman's biggest enemy is a woman most of the times.

I'm freaking mad at someone who passed a remark and I'm fuming here. How can somebody else just 'decide' what my future would be and how I should lead my life. Why do some people refuse to acknowledge tht life offers so many BLOODY choices!!! Its only upto ME to decide wot I want to pick. Its MY life for heaven's sake! I will play hide n seek with it, throw it up in te air n catch it, kill myself or do what ever I wanna do with it. Who is anybopdy else to comment on??? Just buzz off people!!! Get a life outside mine!

People are bloody jealous! Just cuz they had a tough life, they just wont let anyone else have a good life! Their attitude is something as regressive as this " There was no transport years back, so ppl had to walk. So even today, when u have all these cars, u still HAVE to walk. Any other mode is unthinkable"! Where's the fucking logic???

Boy! m still freaking out here! but wot wud have I done without this blog??I wud have probably hit tat person on the head!!!

To Sis, With Love

The world and its Uncle might have already wished u a great Newyears. This is my first post of the year, hence the delay. Hope u all had loads of fun. I had fun too. Here’s wishing all my readers a lovely year ahead filled with loads of happiness, good health, love and laughter!!



My sis was home for a week. And I had a lovely time with her. We talked a great deal, shopped a lot, lunched out and watched movies together. Shez grown to become one of my best buddies now. I’m amazed at how we grew from ‘hating’ each other to loving each other again.


When I was a child, I used to dote on my lil sister. She was my sweet little baby and I loved her to bits. We had our share of sibling fights (never rivalry, just fights), but then like all sisters we patched up. But then teenage happened and we couldnt see each other eye to eye. It would be more precise to say I couldn’t stand her, cuz she was still nice to me. Only I thought having a sister (younger esply) was a curse!!! Maybe because having a sis meant having to share all things girlie and precious (yeah, like plastic bangles, satin ribbons or lace!). Or having a younger sibling meant having to give in all the time cuz I was ‘older’ even at 2 years.!! Or cuz she always got the bigger slab of chocolate cuz she was younger and u know she would ‘cry’. I always wanted to have a big bro. I don’t remember the reasons, but mebbe cuz all my buddies had elder brothers. But I also remember that was hardly the reason for my fights with sis. I was just stubborn and spoilt!


We both had more than our share of endless fights which went on for days unsettled. . One fight led to another and days turned into weeks, weeks into months, months into years! Our resentment grew with age. We looked through each other, hardly talked, behaved like the other person didn’t exist. We were two strangers living under the same roof! But slowly, but steadily, we resolved our differences. But by the time we were back to our old selves, it was time for both of us to move on with our lives. Higher education and career took us away from home. Then I would time my visits to home according to her hols so that we could be together. That was when I realized the value of all those years I wasted hating her!!


Today, it’s hardly possible to meet her as often as I want to. And each meeting would normally last less than a week. That’s just not enough! As days go by, we are gonna get busier with our lives. I would often dream of times when my parents, me and sis would ‘live’ (and not holiday) together in the same house, leave the same house in the morning for work and come back to the same house in the evening. And most important, we wouldn’t have to worry about catching a train to somewhere else tomorrow.


But things had to change. And now that she has left, I feel so empty. Even today, we don’t talk much like other sisters do. Me n sis are diametrically opposite people. We have different takes on life and our idea of fun is totally different. Yet, she is such an awwwesome person, ALWAYS willing to put the other person before her! And it’s wonderful to have her around. I can order her around, nag her endlessly, bore her with my PJs, pull her legs and when I feel like it, just run to her and give her a tight hug. So today I say, “Sisters are such a blessing”!!! Love ya babe, mwaaah!

Its all bout being a WOMAN!

You Are a Total Girlie Girl

You love looking good, and wooing men with your womanly ways. You're so feminine, men are in awe of you ... which is a very good thing.

How Feminine Are You?

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

Are You An Easy Girl?

You Are 91% Feminist

You are a total feminist. This doesn't mean you're a man hater (in fact, you may be a man). You just think that men and women should be treated equally. It's a simple idea but somehow complicated for the world to put into action.

Are You a Feminist?

You Are A Girl!

Are you ever serious? Well, you're seriously playful. And guys are attracted to your girlish spirit and all the fun that follows. Your girlish, temper, however... well, they could live without that. Not to worry though, you never stay upset for long. It's off to the next adventure.

Are You A Girl Or a Woman?

The Last Laugh!

I don’t remember the last time I had a real laugh. The kind that make my stomach ache, my eyes wet n my lungs deflate. There have been times when me and my friends would fall on each other, topple over tables, hold hands or lean on shoulders’ for support until we can stand up straight again without the fear of falling down. Laughs at the water cooler where my laugh-induced shaky hand would spill half the water in the tumbler. Laughs at the post – midnight tripping sessions, where we would mercilessly harass an unsuspecting junior (NO! this is not ragging. We went on to become really good friends. What the hell! we were already friends then!) and laugh at her expense. Laughs at the dark corridors after the lights are turned off which result in more 'Hushhhhh’ than te 'Hahahaha'.

Therez nothing like a great hearty laugh. And its been a long while since I have indulged in one. Well… there have been those forced laughs when that old aunty in the neighborhood cracks the same joke the 4th time, those half-hearted smiles when u meet somebody you loath meeting, those nervous laughter to ease out awkward silences. Trust me, it doesn’t give the high an open, ‘I don’t care what the listeners think, life is a laugh-riot’ laugh gives - a laugh where u put the whole of yourself, leave behind all the worries and sigh at the end. Its such a joy!

I’m really looking forward to the next few days. I wont have a hearty laugh, m almost sure. But I hope to have atleast a heart-felt smile.

So temme, when was the last time you had a real laugh???

It Kills me to think

Below is a poem I wrote for a random school contest. The theme of the poem is unrequited love. I found it when I was digging for some lost papers. Now when I read it, I find it a lil corny. Thought I'l post it anyways. It goes like this....

It Kills me to think

You bring out the best in me
Every time I’m with you
I fall in love with myself.
Because I say to you
What I’ve never said before
I do for you
What I’ve never done before.

But it kills me to think that ‘m not to you, wot you are to me.


I remember every glance we exchanged
Every word we spoke, every moment we spend in silence.
But in your memories I may not even exist.

And it kills me to think that for you, ‘m just another woman
But your the standard by which I judge every man.


Every time u looked into my eyes and spoke nothing
I thought I read your silence right.
Every time I fought with you just to talk to you
I thought you could read my mind.
Every time I buried my dreams under yours
I thought you would know why.

And it kills me to think that you couldn’t see in my eyes
Wot I so wanted to say with my lips.

You met many women and moved on with life.
I met many men, but in everyman I met
I kept looking for YOU.

Whats between us can be created with none
Because all the magic comes to life, only when I’m with you.
Though unseen, I can deeply feel the heat
And with all my heart, I know you are irreplaceable.

And it kills me to think I can never feel the same feel again.

Brain Dead

Its been really long since I penned down something. After some 15 odd posts, its only natural that the initial excitement has died down. But there is more reason than this for the long silence Happy thoughts elude me completely. NO. All kinds of thoughts elude me - happy, sad, exciting, boring and revolutionary. I've become brain-dead. For somebody who feels alive only when her thoughts are tricking, it is indeed a distressing situation.

The real world around doesn't interest me anymore. Now that is not surprising. Because the real world has never aroused my spirit. I was always bored with te real world, real people. But I had this innate ability to create an internal world within myself and be safely tucked in there. yeah, I HAD that ability. That amazing ability to disconnect myself from te real world n connect with an inner world has been taken away. Now I grope for thoughts to fill my empty moments, but in vain. I have spent many a pensive moments in te past. And looks like I have pondered several times over everything that matters to me. Maybe, its time to move on and find new interests. For the sake of filling up empty moments, for te sake of feeling alive again.

Parzania - Movie Review

I read a review written by my sis on the Movie 'Parzania'. After she mailed it to me to edit it(which I failed to do), I have been nagging her to post it on her blog. Finally she did. But since shez been so out of blogging due to her hectic schedule, there r hardly any visitors. Thot of helpin her out by giving a link to te movie review. Its available at http://devils-advokate.blogspot.com.

Turning 24!! - Yippeee!/ Damn!!

Yup, I'm gonna turn 24!!! In a few days time.

And y this mixed feeling? Well... Birthdays are celebration time!! Though I cant exactly remember wen I 'celebrated' my b'day te last time. Neverthless, its a special day. Its te day u made ur grand entry into this world , te day u were born. And its a day ppl from far n near remember u, call u jus to wish u on ur spl day...u receive gifts, pamper urself and try to smile n laugh n have a good time!!And if u get to spend this day with ur loved ones, therez nothing like it. Yippeee!


Its also te day u turn a year older. Well...m not going to change or grow dramatically in t next 3 days leading to my b'day. Yet, its a definite mark. its a reminder tat u have spend tat many years in this world, tat ur heading towards change, tat ur growing up.. and unfortunately growing older too!! - Contrary to wot u have always thot. Atleast contrary to wot I have thot. I always thot I would stay young for ever, tat old age and its traumas were for other ppl. How naive!!! So wen te realization hits u, it doesn feel great. Next Sept I wil turn 25, then some day 30 (Oh! NO!). And age wil bring along with it myriad problems - wrinkles, diseases, aches n jus pure madness. (Mad at urself for te way ur, for not doing those things u should have done in ur youth , so on.) And if ur a woman, dont even talk bout it. Women grow older faster, both physically n emotionally. Men r so lucky. They get married late, grow up even later (muhahaha), have time for all te fun before they get serious in life. And even if a man is 35, he can still manage to look young (unless ofcourse if ur bald! but still, u cn try a hair transpant). But a 35 yr ol woman look ypung only if she is a super model or smthg. Err.. do anti-ageing creams actually work!??!!??! Cuz its not really a great sight to see urself growing paler n weeker! Damn!


Hey.. WAIT! This is my b;day post. Its supposed to be happy!!! And wot m I freting bout? (And te damn! took longer to explain tahn te yippee! )M still young!!! But so much to do n so lil time!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Growing up 'Parentless'

I stumbled on a beautiful blog recently. There was a particular post on the blogger's father's death. She had written a line which went something like " I thought one grew up when one had a child, but now I think one truly grows up wen one loses a parent". I spared a thought on all those people who lost one or both parents when they were young. It must have been really tough for them. They probably dint have a childhood cuz they had to grow up fast. Now wen I look back, I'm glad tat I have been tolerant to those parentless people I had met in my life. Sometimes they had driven me nuts. And I had conveyed it clear to them. But deep inside I had been understanding and forgiving.I realized that growing up fast had a toll on them. And today I'm glad that I did that.

Sad times are here to stay!!

PS (pre-script.. gee!) – I thought I should put this at the beginning of the post. The title of the post and the content may not be in-sync. I set out to write something very personal, but lost track and found myself in the middle of a wider conflict. But I hope I somehow get around to write what I really wanted to write. The following post can be a lil unorganized. Blame it on my current mood. What r blogs for after all? You can get people to read whatever crap u write n always back it up with an explanation that its ur personal space and nobody should judge. How clever r we bloggers??


What is so enchanting about ‘sadness’ that I keep inviting this unpleasant visitor into my life more often than others do? Why is it that I always have (erm.. find rather) a problem to sulk, rant or cry over? I’ve tried probing myself further on the matter, but failed with little result. I spend way too much time thinking, analyzing and dissecting everything that makes any significance and sense to me. Some one called my generation ‘The over-analytical generation’. He couldn’t have been more right. Like I said to a friend later - our generation feels a need to delve deep into everything, fretting over the regular things (read those things which have been done by generations without thinking twice), wanting to be different, trying to be rebellious, but in the end either messes it all up or just ends up doing exactly what our parents’ generation did. And to think that they did it all without fretting. And to make things worse, I realized, I can be taken as the best example. Well that said, I made a remark that we have just ourselves to bank on. And my friend readily agreed. I was a lil disappointed. I was secretly hoping that she thought otherwise. I wanted to believe that the world is indeed a rosy place, only I’m messed up in the head to carry such lousy thoughts. N, u shattered me! Do I need more reasons to be sad?



Back to wot I started out with … I always find a reason to cry. Maybe I really have reasons to cry or its just that my thinking process is totally screwed up. And I envy all those happy souls – I envy the sheer luck of the ones who have ‘more reasons’ to be happy and envy the contentment of those who I think have ‘fewer reasons’ to be happy. I read somewhere “Don’t tell others your problems. 70% don’t care and the rest 30% are glad”. Well… In that case, you cant make others any happier by narrating your happy stories either. Don’t get me wrong people. I do feel happy for others. But sometimes, I’m just not in the mood. Holy shit! I lost track again…


I constantly indulge in self –assessment, listing out my inadequacies, regretting the wrong things I have done, cursing myself for the right things I have never done, so on. I either cling on to my past or worry over my future, all the while neglecting the present. And when the current ‘present’ becomes the past, I cry over losing that to. I wish I could live life for the moment! Life would have been so much happier!!!



My current mood is that of regret. Regret for not valuing some people who had crossed paths with me at various phases in my life. When they were with me, I created a wall around cuz I though they dint meet my standards. I disregarded them, avoided them by feigning aloofness and sometimes even hurt them with my indifference. But I realized, each time a lil late, how much they really meant to me. I thought tearfully about all the loving gestures I received, all the timely help they extended, all the insightful talk we shared. And I realized that I truly miss their presence in my life. But today, things are different. I cannot reach out to them ever again, despite badly wanting to. I curse myself for not realizing the value of these people who actually valued n loved me. There are many others who met standards, whom I respected n loved and still continue to do so. But then with a heavy heart I realize that people are irreplaceable. People I have, cannot fill in for people I lost. Only ‘they’ can be ‘them’. I don’t need others in their place. This sense of loss will haunt me forever. But I repeat the same mistakes. Trip to sadness-ville is guaranteed.



P.S (This time it is post script) – Excuse me for all the grammatical n language errors. I can’t care less (remember bout blogger’s personal space and we being clever). Oh boy! This post can make me embarrassed on a more sensible day. I’m sure to delete it then. But I hope that all those people I hurt get to read this before that.

What's your blogging personality?

***Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical***


You blog like no one else is reading...
You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose.
Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily.
But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!


What's Your Blogging Personality?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourbloggingpersonalityquiz/