Never

I know it is lame... but just a current state of my mind...

Never tell a grieving woman that her sorrows are trivial,

All she was looking for was some solace.

Never advice a fiery teenager who is venting out his frustrations,

All he wanted was a patient listener.

Never tell a man at throes of anger that he was wrong,

All he wanted was someone to thrash out with

Never tell a crying child he is too grown up to cry

All he really wanted was to feel like a child.

Never love a dying man too much and give him a desire to live

All he really want is to die a peaceful death.

On loving and hating Malayalam...

I grew up speaking Malayalam @ home. But the school where I studied insisted that we speak English. But who obeys school rules anyways? Besides there were so many in school who struggled with English that it was near to impossible or even outright impolite to try and converse in English with them. So we stuck to Malayalam. The speaking I mean. I was never taught to read or write malayalam @ school. And my parents din't insist either. Infact, my Dad was worried that too much exposure to Malayalam would ruin our English ( u know accent and all). But then each time me and my sister made a trip to my Dad's native place, we were made the butt of all jokes. We were given Malayalam books and were asked to read them or were given dictations to test our proficiency. Sometimes we were quizzed on our vocabulary and our ignorance were mocked at. Though we spoke Malayalam @ home, it was just the basic Malayalam. We rarely used extensive vocabulary. And at that point of time I started to despise Malayalam. Add to it the company of a bunch of people who thought low of Malayalam. Malayalam movies and Malayalam songs were a big No-No for them. And I was okay with that attitude as well.I din't love them either. I was completely captivated by the razmattaz of the Bollywood and their groovy moves. Malayalam movies lacked glamour and the actors sucked @ dancing. So I can't be blamed for disliking them, esply during those colourful teenage years.

And talking about the language... Though I spoke the language @ home, i wan't exactly comfortable with the language. I din't entirely think in my mother tongue. I din't always think in English too. I needed a mix of both to truly express myself. I needed Malayalam to crack a joke which can only be said in Malayalam. Translating it into any other language will end up killing it brutally. The joke I mean. But how can anyone express one's innermost feelings in Malayalam? U definitely needed English for that. You also needed English to touch upon more delicate subjects. How can u possibly say smthg as emotional as "I miss u" in Mal?It is going to be so corny. Or for that matter, smthg like "they are making out" in Malayalam? That is going to be ridiculous. For these reasons, I was in a way more comfortable with communicating in English. The language is more expressive and has a word for every action and emotion. Probably Malayalam has them too, but nobody knows them, atleast I don't. Or even the ones who know them don't seem to use them. It is all implied with unfinished sentences or silence.

Then life moved on. I met people who loved the language and sometimes not because they din't know English. Interactions with them made me more comfortable in Malayalam. I started watching movies that I once despised. I discovered the beauty of the language and its uniqueness through Srinivasan's ( his dialogues are still popular) movies and old malayalam songs. I never thought I would look up Malayalam song lyrics ( always the old ones, never the new) on the net. But these days I find myself doing that all the time. Recently an old favourite Keli Nalinam caught my attention and I fell in love with the song. The video is uploaded in u tube , I'm not able to add it here. Listening to this song reminded me of Neelathamara, a remake of another movie with the same title. I believe "Nalinam"( in Keli Nalinam) and Thamara( in Neelathamara) means the same - Lotus. But probably that is not why i was reminded of the movie. They both evoked the same feelings in me - a kinda wistful feeling. And Neelathamara is a movie set in a background which is not even remotely connected to my life. Yet, I could relate to every scene in that movie. Today, whenever I'm troubled, all I need to do is watch a Malayalam movie. The sense of comfort that it gives me is the same as getting home after a hectic day , sitting on my favourite chair and unwinding with a cup of coffee and foot massage! Bliss!

Letting Go....

In order to move on in life, we have to let go @ some point. And move on we have to. Cherished dreams, old habits, past relationships, friendships, emotional baggage and sometimes even the deeply held beliefs are all subject to it. As long as we hold on to smthg, we just cannot make space for anything new. And letting go really makes life so much easier. But the process can sometimes be painful. But I think it is definitely worth it. For eg : I decided to give myself a haircut and keep it short. Howmuchever I miss my long locks, this is so much easier. I'm planning to clean up the mess in my room and organize my wardrobe and throw away all the junk. I deleted all my messages ( I store them all and read them plenty of time) stored in my cell phone. I traded my old huge bag ( which carried a whole lotta stuff and I ended up with a terrible shoulder ache by carrying it around) for a small, comfy bag ( which just carries what I absolutely need) and life has become much easier. Made me wonder... If uncluttering a handbag has so many benefits what is stopping me from uncluttering my mind? I know that memories are a beautiful thing. And each time I revisit them I reach a comfortable place. Sometimes it does take me to an uncomfortable place. But there is always comfort in familiarity. But do I really need them forever? I think it is about time I unclutter my mind of all the happenings, non-happenings ( is there such a word?), conversations and confusions. I really need to let go ....

That thing called Happiness....

The primary, and if u think about it, the only purpose of life is the 'Pursuit of Happiness'!!! Every damn thing that we do - from the lil mundane to the more important ones - are done in the hope that it will fetch us happiness. We go to schools, graduate from colleges and put up through 15 to 20 years of education in the hope that we will land a job , earn money and be happy. How many of us really go to school for the sheer pleasure of studying? Ditto with every thing we do. We do them in the hope that it will fetch us happiness sooner or later. Point taken?

But what is happiness? Or what gives us happiness? Doesn't everyone have a different reason to be happy? Who are we to judge what gives others happiness? For eg: There could be a woman whose only purpose in life is to get married. Ever since she was a lil girl, she was conditioned to believe that way. She can never get away from it, and guess wot, she doesn't want to. And she eventually gets married soon after her education, has her kids, runs her home, raise her kids and is happy with her life. So what if her talent is going to waste? So what if she is financially dependent? So what if her life is restricted to indoors? If it is a choice she made and if she is happy with it, who are we to judge? It may not be ur idea of happiness, but she has every right to be happy with smthg that doesn't make u happy. Same with the woman who doesn't have a nestling instinct and is too ambitious and career driven to get married. Who are we to tie her down with marriage and the million obligations (and not to forget the million relatives) that come along with it?

Now, see my own case for instance. I have been brought up on the foundation that education is a MUST, career is a MUST and you got to ACHIEVE smthg in life. I'm completely glad that my parents gave a lot of importance to my education, but when it comes to achieving many things to make ur life meaningful, I got to disagree with them. Any day, I would love to get truck loads of money. And 'Vice Prez' does sound fancy enough for a designation. But honestly, I can't care less. I know that If I had put in even an iota of my brains to good use, I would have done pretty well ( not Vice Prez tho;), but guess wot, I dint want to. And I'm happy with that. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that I'm okay with not having a six figure income? Why is it so difficult for them to understand that clinching boardroom deals is not what makes me happy? It sure will give me a high. I'm not denying that. And the sense of power could be overwhelming. But the only power that I really need is the power to control my own life!

Most people in my life - close friends, distant friends, close relatives, distance relatives and non-existant relatives - would have been glad if I had been married by now. And to add to my misery, had ATLEAST one kid. If I hadn't done that, too bad they say! Oh but, since I hadn't done that divine, must-do thing, I should be owning a business empire by now, right? No?!?! What a disaster!! If I was not busy getting married, raising a kid and not running my home, then I would have done SMTHG with my life right? And the next best thing would have been to probably be a business tycoon maybe.Yeah, after 4 years of passing out from college!!!

To all those people, all I have got to tell is that I'm doing what gives ME happiness. I think life becomes rich by the 'experiences' u go through and not by the 'achievements' u make. As I said , Vice Prez does sound fancy, but not compelling enough to chuck the simple pleasures of life. Managing a team of 50 people is great, but I'm not willing to trade that for the utter recklessness that I enjoy. Meeting deadlines can give u an adrenaline rush, but I cannot miss that newly released 'must-watch' movie.

I find happiness in lil things. Being able to sleep those extra hours in the morning with out worrying about cooking for [non-existant] husband and kids gives me immense happiness. A lovely conversation with a good friend, without being interrupted by a whining child can make me happy. Staying up late at night watching a movie, reading a book, writing when the mood strikes, browsing something online or catching up with a friend without having to worry about an early morning flight the next day gives me hapiness. Stepping out of the house whenever I feel like , without being accountable to anyone makes me feel liberated and hence happy. Spending all my money on myself (without guilt) , unless I decide to do otherwise, gives me hapiness. Doing what I want to do, when I feel like it, gives me total control of my life and hence happiness. Now I may not do something wild or outrageous. But I still do what I want to do. And I may not have the best life and I always want mooooore, but I'm still happy with my life. Just that it doesn't conform with ur brand of happiness. Now u got to live with that, don't u???

When beliefs go to the dogs....

A point has come in my life when I start to think that everything that I believed in was wrong. I spent a major part of my life believing in smthg, and those very beliefs go down the drain.

My beliefs make me. My principles mean the world to me. And whatever people think or say about me, I have always stuck to them. And I have been so proud of them. They defined me. And I never budged from them. Many times people have argued with me and tried to challenge my beliefs and opinions. And it was easy for them to challenge cuz my beliefs were not very popular among conventional thinkers. I have been hurt or belittled many a times just cuz I din't hold popular views. But I stuck to them nevertheless. Sometimes I argued and defended like my life depended on them . But smtimes I chose to keep quiet cuz I knew they won't understand it any way.

And now I have to compromise on them. Tell myself that whatever I believed in was wrong, I was too naive to believe in them in the first place. I must willingly let go of them and accept new ones. Life, I am told , is more important than the beliefs that make it meaningful! Sigh...

Different Strokes...

Sometimes I believe in the grand illusion of life. I believe that I'm here for a reason. That I matter. My life is pre-destined, my destiny unchangeable. Some one has already etched out my role, I just have to play my part. I feel that the Universal forces are working in my favour, taking me closer to where I ought to be. There is apprehension cuz not everything is in my hands. But there is also consolation that everything will be taken care of. Just like a leaf sways with the wind, I will be guided and lead to my destination. There is a blessed assurance that I'm part of a plan.

Sometimes I feel that I'm on my own. What I do has no relevance in the larger scheme of things. What I do here matter only to me most of the time. I'm here only for a matter of 70-80 years. What happens to me is not a big deal. I'm after all, just a tiny speck in the Universe!!!