Whats Uuuup?

Whats up? Absolutely nothing.! Yes, Thats how it is. Nothing exciting, interesting or eventful is happening right now. But I'm deliriously happy. Yes, I really am. There has never been a phase in my life where I have known such peace.

*Gratitude - I'm more and more aware of how truly blessed I'm. I was always a cribber. I used to crib and whine endlessly about what I din't have in life. I always compared myself with people who were doing better than me in life. But today, I'm really really grateful for what I have . Why on earth did I not count my blessings before? I don't know why it took me so long to understand the obvious. But this realization has changed my life for the better. I started looking at things from a new perspective. I need to thank a friend for this, who despite my total negativity, urged me to look at the brighter side always. Each time I was falling into a mess, he talked me out of it and infused in me a positive energy. Though I resisted it fiercely, I lapped up some and voila! I'm a new person now!

*Prayers - I discovered the power of prayers. I have always been a cynic. But I also maintained that the day I feel its power, I will openly announce it. And here I'm doing it. I still don't know how prayers work. I still don't know what is God or if there is even a God! Is God listening to ur prayers and granting ur wishes? Or is the positive energy u sent out (in the form of prayers) to the Universe, returned to u in the same amount? Or is God just the Energy sustained in the Universe.?I don't have the answers to all these. Yet, I gotta say that prayers have brought about a lot of changes in my life and I'm glad that it happened!

*Parents - I realised that my parents are indeed the besssstttt. And I don't say this cuz they are my parents. Anyone who has known them have been inspired by them. They are two of the most sacrificial people. In a world where people are plotting against each other to get ahead in life, these are two people who are willing to stand back, so that someone else can get ahead! But they also know when to fight when justice is not meted out. And I feel that having them as my parents make up for lack of almost everything else in my life. Every sorrow, every failure, every disappointment become trivial when I remind myself that I have 'Them' as my parents. How many people have that kind of luck?

* Love those who love me - I don't usually love people for what they give me. I love people for who they are. I love them for the qualities in them, not for the affection they bestow on me (tho it matters, its definitely not a deal-breaker). I'm not bothered about what I get from a relationship. But I'm bothered about what kind of people I'm associated with. As long as I approve of their character, I'm going to love them. On the other side, I don't always appreciate people who love me. I might totally ignore them if they don't fit my description of a "good person". Yeah, I'm crazy that way. But these days, I'm sending out love in all the right directions. I'm giving it out only to sources which sent it to my end. And I also try to make sure that I sent it out to every source( ermm... every source that is not creepy I mean) that sends love my way. So net result - Love doesn't get wasted. I don't end up loving people who don't give two hoots about me. And I also don't waste the love that is being bestowed on me. It is accepted gratefully and sent out in equal, if not more, measure.

* Detached-Attachment - I'm normally always a little detached. I don't really put my heart into anyone. But on those rare occasions, when I do get attached, I put the whole of my heart in there. Ahhh! And it breaks. At the most unexpected, inopportune moment, it breaks. So I decided that "detached-attachment" is the way to go. One of my friends recommended this strategy and I was mad at him. I thot he was a superficial moron. But then I decided to give it a thought. Even though I felt that smthg is not right about it, I gave it a try. And once I made that a way of life, I realised that it was a smart move. So now, I share my joys with others, but I have learnt to celebrate on my own. Occassionally, I lean on a shoulder to cry on, but I have learnt to hold in my sorrows, and be my own sounding board. I listen to others' grievances and problems, and even help them when I can, but I have learnt not to worry too much over them and consider them as MY problem. So yeah, I realised its not necessary to make others the centre of my world, I don't have to always worry whether I'm hurting others, and most importantly, I don't have to give the whole of my heart to others, a small piece would be just fine. After all, I'm such a wonderful person (let modesty go to the dogs), not everyone deserves the whole heart! wink ;) wink ;)

So, U get a five!!!

These are 5 random things about me :-

1. I get completely sentimental over food and sleep. Having to actually skip a meal or lack of sleep doesn't bother me much as such. But the mere thought of it makes me sentimental. I go "Ohhhh! my poor girl is starving and sleep-deprived".

2. When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be famous. And most of the time I wanted to become a famous actress. In my imagination, I was that actress with a huge fan following (ahem! ahem!) , who won lots of critical acclaim and ended up with all the awards. Jealous, are n't u?

3. When I grew up a little, I altered my dreams. I understood the stigma associated with being an actress, and altered my dream accordingly. Next in line was a television journalist as famous as Burkha Dutt. (Ye, I dream big). And I think for a good part of my life I used to actually believe that I would be one. I remember this incident when I was having a discussion with one of my seniors and she told me that TV journalists don't get paid well. That is when I told her that Burkha Dutt was paid well. Yep, I not only dreamt big, I did believe in my dreams as well.

4. When I was a lil kid, I used to filck toffies from the teacher's table. And boy! Was I good at that or what? If I had continued, by now I would have become a full blown criminal. (I don't know how it was in other schools. In our school, the kid with the birthday would distribute the toffies in the class he/she belonged to, and go on to distribute it to all the teachers in the school. So the teachers got a lot of toffies, almost every day.)

5. When I was 14, I wanted to marry cricketer Ajay Jadeja. He was quite a star then. And I had even made a "fool proof" plan to meet him. He hails from Haryana and so I made a plan to get to Haryana first. I thought and still think BITS Pilani is @ Haryana (my sis says it is @ Rajasthan, not sure), so I wanted to get an admission into BITS. And that was the single motivation for me to study hard. And once I got to Haryana, things would take its natural course ofcourse. I just had to go and watch one of his matches, and naturally he would spot me in the crowd and fall in love with me instantly.. Lol!

Phew!!!!

I sooo wish I could take charge of my life and make things Happen. But I'm such a laid-back person that I always sit around and wait for things to happen on their own. But things rarely work out like that in life. But I just don't have the drive and the will power to take matters into my hand. Finally when I manage to talk myself into doing something, I fail at it miserably. I just don't trust myself to do anything properly. I'm such a loser!!!! I take two steps forward and take four steps backward. I just cannot seem to do anything right. I decide on doing something and focus hard, but then all those crazy thoughts playing in my head weigh me down. It takes away all hopes from me. I'm tired of this battle. I'm really tired of it.

RECEIVE...

Facebook has an application called God's message which I check regularly. Now I don't think it is God's message directly, cuz facebook is no saint. But the messages are all positive and make me feel good. So I check them regularly. This is what I got recently and I think I need to give it some serious thought...

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that it's okay to receive. Have you been the giver for so long that you have forgotten how to receive? Allow others to give you some of the love that you give so freely. Seek a balance between your giving and your receiving.

I do think I have a problem receiving just about anything - love, time, money, concern, attention or even a tiny favour. I don't claim to be too much of a giver either. But I'm definitely more comfortable giving than receiving. I wonder why is it so. A part of the problem lies with the whole trouble of ASKING.However close a relationship is, I'm often uncomfortable asking for smthg. One of the reasons is the fear of rejection. What if they say No? That is definitely gong to hurt my feelings. If not, it will atleast make me feel a bit awkward. What if they say Yes without really wanting to. That is going to be worse. I hate to be a burden or a nuisance to anyone. So either ways, it is going to be tough. I think it is much easier when someone volunteers to help me. But even then smthg inside me resists it fiercely. I'm just not comfortable with receiving anything. And I think it is because I feel I don't deserve anything - a feeling of unworth. I guess I need to really learn to Receive!!!

Life' s still good...

Previous post was a depressing one. But it was one of those days where everything was going wrong. But things are rosy and cheery once again. Thanks to all u guys who wrote in. It meant a lot to me.

I have an ever-expanding list of 'things to do', things to learn and 'things to change about myself'. I'm glad that finally I'm able to tackle them one by one, slowly yet steadily.

1. I'm finally out of a depression that I have been fighting for months. Though I sulk once in a while (that is allowed), I'm generally happy. Like they say, "if it doesn't kill u, it makes u stronger". And it definitely has made me stronger. I learnt very important lessons and now I feel I needed that bad phase. I'm glad I emerged out of it! Congratulations to me.

2. I have been thinking of a life style change for a long while. I know that I'm capable of so much more ( let modesty go to the dogs), but I'm not doing smthg right. To begin with, my time management sucks! But now I'm glad that I have brought about a life style change - daily walks, eating healthy, drinking loads of water, sleeping on time, reading more, thinking positively, controlling my urge to control everything, controlling my temper and praying. And it does feel very very good.

3. My relationship with my mom is improving. My mom has always been a great woman, a devoted wife and a doting mother. But like every daughter and mom, we had our occassional differences. And things became unbearable during those tumultous teenage years. That is the time when a girl needs her mom most. And I felt she was never around. I still hold it against her.

The fact that she holds a highly responsible job, is fiercely ambitious, has a lotta younger siblings emotionally and otherwise dependent on her and has a wide network of friends, added to the problem. I felt that she had time for everyone else and everything else in the world, but me. I was always mad @ her that she never tried to fix things. I know that she loves me a lot, but our relationship was never the way I wanted it to be. So finally I thought that instead of expecting her to take an initiative, I should take things into my hands. I felt that I should appreciate her more and criticise her less. And finally things have become so much better.

4 I have turned into a decent cook. I still need to check recipes to cook an okay-ish dish. Thanks to online recipes, mom and helpful aunts, I'm managing quite well. I have a long way to go. But I was someone who entered the kitchen to just make lime juice ( not even tea unless on those rare ocassions) or STIR ( Yeah, I love stirring. I feel very important when I do that. Lol!) There were times when I have tried making a 'thoran' or a 'mezhukkupuratti' or 'chappathis', but the results were disastrous. And about chopping veggies? Don't even get there. Even the apples and pears that I chop don't come out neat and uniform. But I din't lose hope. I was told that I may have 'kaipunyam" cuz my great grandmom, grandmom and mom are great cooks and I would have inherited their skills. And guess wot, my great grandmom is the eldest daughter of her parents, my grandmom is the eldest daughter of my great grandmom, my mom is the eldest daughter of my grandmom and I'm the eldest daughter of my mom. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. But i do find this a bit amusing. Guess wot, I have always been told that girls should learn to cook cuz eventually they are going to someone else's house to cook for some one else. The feminist in me totally detested this. The whole idea of me learning to cook so that a total stranger and his family can be fed was just beyond me. I just couldn't picture myself slaving in the kitchen while totally unrelated people feast .I did everything to make sure that I don't learn cooking. I thought cooking was a very uncool thing to do. I know I know, I was naive to think such thoughts. But if only my grandmom had told me that cooking is a life saving skill and will only make me more independent, I would have been truly fascinated. So from that girl who yelled at anyone who mocked at me for not knowing cooking, I have come a long way.

5. I have started my piano classes and I'm completely enjoying it. Though I can't sing, I have always been very musically-inclined (who is not?). I consider myself a rhythmic person ( whatever that means, I just like the idea) and I can be completely moved by a certain song and listen to it for hours on end and not get bored. So I thought I should be able to create music for my own amusement. And from there began my desire to learn musical instruments. So someday I want to be able to play the Piano, Guitar, Violin and Jazz..someday.. and I guess Piano is a great start. I'm glad that finally I found the time, (a nearby) place and the inclination to go for it. Well... I have just attended 3 classes and right now I'm just training my fingers. It began with the finger exercises . I need to make my fingers more nimble. Right now, when I press my pinky finger, the ring finger doesn't stay still. But somehow I'm already lovinggg it.

6. I'm finally getting a chance to learn French. I have been wanting to learn French for the past 7 years but things never worked out. I have made numerous calls to Alliance Francaise , always telling them that I will join the next time. I even joined it once but could attend only few classes because of my hectic work schedule. But this time things look brighter and I'm more determined. And the best part is that I'm getting a 50% reduction on the course. The course which originally costs Rs 5000/- is now available at Rs 2500/-. What a beautiful deal!!! I also want to learn German, Italian, Spanish, Korean, Japanese and Bengali someday...

Thats it for now... I thought I owe myself a good post...

Honest Scrap Award

The blogger formerly known as sansmerci has awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award. Thanks a lot girl!

The award requires me to post the award and write 10 things about me and tag back the blogger who gave you the award.

So here are ten things about me.

1. I just love that half asleep - half awake feeling. That time when I have just woken up from sleep, yet not really wide awake. I'm at my dreamiest best during that state of semi consciousness and I love that phase when I can feel myself slipping back to sleep.. Too much naa?

2. I love solitude and being on my own. Probably cuz I enjoy my company... buhahaha... so when that magical cocoon is ruptured, u better offer me something equally good ;)

3. I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by words, having a lovely conversation with a friend/ smtimes even a stranger, watching an inspiring or entertaining movie, discovering a beautiful song that I keep humming all the time, reading smthg that strikes a chord with me, digging into some delectable food and enjoying some 'me' time or writing my heart out. I live for these things.

4. Sometimes I break into uncontrollable fits of laughter for no apparent reason. And in most of the cases, it will be at an inappropriate place or time . For eg: prayer time in school or when the teacher has pulled me up for not doing my homework or when I'm travelling alone.

5. I was called "Doo doo" when I was a kid. Some people still call me that. Back then, I used to create a ruckus when somebody did that.

6. I'm extremely emotional. But when it comes to expressing my emotions, sometimes I overdo it and at other times underplay it. I can stay completely calm covering up my fears or put on a cheery smile and talk excitedly when I'm crying inside . Or I can let the whole world know that I'm angry, sad or scared. There is no middle ground for me.

7. I can come out of almost every awkward situation through giggles or straight talk.

8. I'm a detached-attached kinda person. Go figure!

9. I suck at technology. I'm always the last one to know about new gadgets.

10. I can be quite argumentative ( though I'm working very hard to get rid of it). But I can be a very good mediator when others fight. I'm the peacemaker!

I pass on the awards to lex, shades of grey. Thanks sansmerci once again!

Brain Dead

Its been really long since I penned down something. After some 15 odd posts, its only natural that the initial excitement has died down. But there is more reason than this for the long silence Happy thoughts elude me completely. NO. All kinds of thoughts elude me - happy, sad, exciting, boring and revolutionary. I've become brain-dead. For somebody who feels alive only when her thoughts are tricking, it is indeed a distressing situation.

The real world around doesn't interest me anymore. Now that is not surprising. Because the real world has never aroused my spirit. I was always bored with te real world, real people. But I had this innate ability to create an internal world within myself and be safely tucked in there. yeah, I HAD that ability. That amazing ability to disconnect myself from te real world n connect with an inner world has been taken away. Now I grope for thoughts to fill my empty moments, but in vain. I have spent many a pensive moments in te past. And looks like I have pondered several times over everything that matters to me. Maybe, its time to move on and find new interests. For the sake of filling up empty moments, for te sake of feeling alive again.

Turning 24!! - Yippeee!/ Damn!!

Yup, I'm gonna turn 24!!! In a few days time.

And y this mixed feeling? Well... Birthdays are celebration time!! Though I cant exactly remember wen I 'celebrated' my b'day te last time. Neverthless, its a special day. Its te day u made ur grand entry into this world , te day u were born. And its a day ppl from far n near remember u, call u jus to wish u on ur spl day...u receive gifts, pamper urself and try to smile n laugh n have a good time!!And if u get to spend this day with ur loved ones, therez nothing like it. Yippeee!


Its also te day u turn a year older. Well...m not going to change or grow dramatically in t next 3 days leading to my b'day. Yet, its a definite mark. its a reminder tat u have spend tat many years in this world, tat ur heading towards change, tat ur growing up.. and unfortunately growing older too!! - Contrary to wot u have always thot. Atleast contrary to wot I have thot. I always thot I would stay young for ever, tat old age and its traumas were for other ppl. How naive!!! So wen te realization hits u, it doesn feel great. Next Sept I wil turn 25, then some day 30 (Oh! NO!). And age wil bring along with it myriad problems - wrinkles, diseases, aches n jus pure madness. (Mad at urself for te way ur, for not doing those things u should have done in ur youth , so on.) And if ur a woman, dont even talk bout it. Women grow older faster, both physically n emotionally. Men r so lucky. They get married late, grow up even later (muhahaha), have time for all te fun before they get serious in life. And even if a man is 35, he can still manage to look young (unless ofcourse if ur bald! but still, u cn try a hair transpant). But a 35 yr ol woman look ypung only if she is a super model or smthg. Err.. do anti-ageing creams actually work!??!!??! Cuz its not really a great sight to see urself growing paler n weeker! Damn!


Hey.. WAIT! This is my b;day post. Its supposed to be happy!!! And wot m I freting bout? (And te damn! took longer to explain tahn te yippee! )M still young!!! But so much to do n so lil time!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!!!

Sad times are here to stay!!

PS (pre-script.. gee!) – I thought I should put this at the beginning of the post. The title of the post and the content may not be in-sync. I set out to write something very personal, but lost track and found myself in the middle of a wider conflict. But I hope I somehow get around to write what I really wanted to write. The following post can be a lil unorganized. Blame it on my current mood. What r blogs for after all? You can get people to read whatever crap u write n always back it up with an explanation that its ur personal space and nobody should judge. How clever r we bloggers??


What is so enchanting about ‘sadness’ that I keep inviting this unpleasant visitor into my life more often than others do? Why is it that I always have (erm.. find rather) a problem to sulk, rant or cry over? I’ve tried probing myself further on the matter, but failed with little result. I spend way too much time thinking, analyzing and dissecting everything that makes any significance and sense to me. Some one called my generation ‘The over-analytical generation’. He couldn’t have been more right. Like I said to a friend later - our generation feels a need to delve deep into everything, fretting over the regular things (read those things which have been done by generations without thinking twice), wanting to be different, trying to be rebellious, but in the end either messes it all up or just ends up doing exactly what our parents’ generation did. And to think that they did it all without fretting. And to make things worse, I realized, I can be taken as the best example. Well that said, I made a remark that we have just ourselves to bank on. And my friend readily agreed. I was a lil disappointed. I was secretly hoping that she thought otherwise. I wanted to believe that the world is indeed a rosy place, only I’m messed up in the head to carry such lousy thoughts. N, u shattered me! Do I need more reasons to be sad?



Back to wot I started out with … I always find a reason to cry. Maybe I really have reasons to cry or its just that my thinking process is totally screwed up. And I envy all those happy souls – I envy the sheer luck of the ones who have ‘more reasons’ to be happy and envy the contentment of those who I think have ‘fewer reasons’ to be happy. I read somewhere “Don’t tell others your problems. 70% don’t care and the rest 30% are glad”. Well… In that case, you cant make others any happier by narrating your happy stories either. Don’t get me wrong people. I do feel happy for others. But sometimes, I’m just not in the mood. Holy shit! I lost track again…


I constantly indulge in self –assessment, listing out my inadequacies, regretting the wrong things I have done, cursing myself for the right things I have never done, so on. I either cling on to my past or worry over my future, all the while neglecting the present. And when the current ‘present’ becomes the past, I cry over losing that to. I wish I could live life for the moment! Life would have been so much happier!!!



My current mood is that of regret. Regret for not valuing some people who had crossed paths with me at various phases in my life. When they were with me, I created a wall around cuz I though they dint meet my standards. I disregarded them, avoided them by feigning aloofness and sometimes even hurt them with my indifference. But I realized, each time a lil late, how much they really meant to me. I thought tearfully about all the loving gestures I received, all the timely help they extended, all the insightful talk we shared. And I realized that I truly miss their presence in my life. But today, things are different. I cannot reach out to them ever again, despite badly wanting to. I curse myself for not realizing the value of these people who actually valued n loved me. There are many others who met standards, whom I respected n loved and still continue to do so. But then with a heavy heart I realize that people are irreplaceable. People I have, cannot fill in for people I lost. Only ‘they’ can be ‘them’. I don’t need others in their place. This sense of loss will haunt me forever. But I repeat the same mistakes. Trip to sadness-ville is guaranteed.



P.S (This time it is post script) – Excuse me for all the grammatical n language errors. I can’t care less (remember bout blogger’s personal space and we being clever). Oh boy! This post can make me embarrassed on a more sensible day. I’m sure to delete it then. But I hope that all those people I hurt get to read this before that.

What's your blogging personality?

***Your Blogging Type is Pensive and Philosophical***


You blog like no one else is reading...
You tend to use your blog to explore ideas - often in long winded prose.
Easy going and flexible, you tend to befriend other bloggers easily.
But if they disagree with once too much, you'll pull them from your blogroll!


What's Your Blogging Personality?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourbloggingpersonalityquiz/