Looking back... at the year that went by....

New Year is a few months away. But i turn a year older in a couple of days. Nothing is going to change drastically in a few days that lead to my birthday, but a lot has changed in the past one year. I have made peace with myself, learnt a few realities, gladly accepted the things that I cannot change, and I evolved into a more secure person. But the most important change in me is that I started being grateful for a lot of things I have in life. And when I started counting my blessings, I realised that there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Last year has been a roller coaster ride for me. There were some ups and downs. There were some very exciting, exhilarating, and even intoxicating highs, but there were also some depressing lows and I hit rock bottom. The year didn't begin very well. There were moments of deep pain when I felt that someone was stabbing me deep with a sharp knife and my heart was cut into million little pieces. And I felt that these pieces of my heart will never be together as one. Each time I made an effort to move, smile or talk, one of this piece would cut me through. I thought I would never be able to laugh heartily again. Forget about laughing, I thought I would never be able to smile again, without feeling something pricking me from inside. My world had come crashing down and I couldn't pull myself together. And on top of that I lost a friend (or rather we mutually decided to lose each other) who I thought I would never lose in life. One after other, things went from bad to worse. I went to bed with a heavy heart, cried myself to sleep, smtimes stayed up till early morning pouring my heart out into my diary, waking up feeling empty and with swollen eyes, wanting to be held and comforted with reassuring words, but found myself lonely. But I emerged out of it, as a healthier and happier person. And yeah, I count my blessings now, more often than ever. So I'm going to list down the positive things that happened in my life for the past one year.

* I made a really really close friend. Someone who completely understands me, cares for me and someone to whom I can talk about anything in the world. Once I got to know her better , I realised that we have a lot more in common than I thought. She has become a sort of an emotional partner for me. She is a really genuine and thoughtful person and I love her for what she is.

* My relationship with my mom has become great now.

* Someone with whom I had parted in bitter terms is back in my life now. All the bitterness have been resolved. Now when I look back, there is no sorrow or anger, just fondness.

* A wound that has been hurting me a lot has finally healed. And now I can finally laugh heartily.

* There was some one who inspired and impressed me a lot. She is the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. She is genuine and real, shares my wavelength, has a sweet sense of humour, is great to talk to, has got a lot of class, loves words and is absolutely a pleasure to be with. We had lost touch for so many years and finally we are in touch again.

* I thought that distance will kill some friendships, but it didn't. Infact, some friendships became stronger than before.

* I had always wanted to learn few foreign languages and take some piano classes. And I could finally do that this year. I took up French and cleared my DELF examinations. My piano classes are going on well, though sometimes it can really drive me crazy. I know how the fingers of my right hand should move. I know how the fingers of my left hand should move. But when I move both my hands together, it is total chaos. But with little bit practice, I want to really master it. And now I feel I actually can.

* Work looks good right now. And i'm getting a chance to do smthg that I always alwayss always wanted to do. I'm excited, and at the same time, a little nervous too.

* I have made new contacts and my social life is better now.

* I have finally started working on my book and it is progressing well.

*I wondered if I should write this last one. But I thought anyways, there aren't too many people who read this blog now. Besides, when I look back, its only going to make me happier. I wanted to do my bit for the society. Finally, I joined an NGO and is now teaching underprivileged kids.

So thats how the last year was. Things are looking really bright and 'm happy now. I have a few more things to work on. And I'm doing that at a steady pace. Hope that the good run continues........

Yours Happily

Me

Happy Day!

Today is a Happy Happy Happy day for me!!!!!!!!!

Awww! I Miss Chennai!

I was channel surfing and I stopped @ a Tamil song which had the super hot Vikram and the gorgeous Trisha. It was a famous song, though I can neither hum nor remember the lyrics. But then, I was suddenly reminded of my Chennai days. And what days were those? The hot and sultry days, the long walks with friends in the huge campus, that tall glass of chilled fruit juice from the 'OOtys' fruitshop ( and if we are a regular, we get an extra half glass absolutely free!), the 25 bucks Chicken Noodles from the fast food joint, checking out good looking guys, hordes of traditions that we followed in the college, the spicy mutton cutlet -hot hot and freshly made bread omlette - and mint chutney sandwich at the evening canteen, yelling out to friends who are in for a bath to fill up our buckets lest the water supply stops before we get in, gathering around the giant water drum on weekends to do laundry, the special 10pm tea break during examination days, the movie watching sessions where the tamils and the mals fought over the choice of the movie, rushing back to the hostel as the bell goes, watching the lovers completing their unfinished conversation or ending it in a bitter fight, laughing at the security lady chasing guys who hang around the girl's hostel, staying up late at night and revising the hostel song, the fake headaches and the fake stomach aches before the freshers auditions, worrying about ragging, waiting for the juniors to arrive, detailed analysis of who is going out with who, the anticipation of going home, the pure ecstasy of home-made pickles, fighting over the home-made pickles, fighting with the auto drivers and fruits vendors in half tamil, defending the juniors, waking up early morning for compulsory jogging prior to the Sports day, the divine momos made by the Tibetan friends, the post midnight midnight snack munching peppered with conversations! Sigh!!!! I miss it all :)

That thing called Happiness....

The primary, and if u think about it, the only purpose of life is the 'Pursuit of Happiness'!!! Every damn thing that we do - from the lil mundane to the more important ones - are done in the hope that it will fetch us happiness. We go to schools, graduate from colleges and put up through 15 to 20 years of education in the hope that we will land a job , earn money and be happy. How many of us really go to school for the sheer pleasure of studying? Ditto with every thing we do. We do them in the hope that it will fetch us happiness sooner or later. Point taken?

But what is happiness? Or what gives us happiness? Doesn't everyone have a different reason to be happy? Who are we to judge what gives others happiness? For eg: There could be a woman whose only purpose in life is to get married. Ever since she was a lil girl, she was conditioned to believe that way. She can never get away from it, and guess wot, she doesn't want to. And she eventually gets married soon after her education, has her kids, runs her home, raise her kids and is happy with her life. So what if her talent is going to waste? So what if she is financially dependent? So what if her life is restricted to indoors? If it is a choice she made and if she is happy with it, who are we to judge? It may not be ur idea of happiness, but she has every right to be happy with smthg that doesn't make u happy. Same with the woman who doesn't have a nestling instinct and is too ambitious and career driven to get married. Who are we to tie her down with marriage and the million obligations (and not to forget the million relatives) that come along with it?

Now, see my own case for instance. I have been brought up on the foundation that education is a MUST, career is a MUST and you got to ACHIEVE smthg in life. I'm completely glad that my parents gave a lot of importance to my education, but when it comes to achieving many things to make ur life meaningful, I got to disagree with them. Any day, I would love to get truck loads of money. And 'Vice Prez' does sound fancy enough for a designation. But honestly, I can't care less. I know that If I had put in even an iota of my brains to good use, I would have done pretty well ( not Vice Prez tho;), but guess wot, I dint want to. And I'm happy with that. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that I'm okay with not having a six figure income? Why is it so difficult for them to understand that clinching boardroom deals is not what makes me happy? It sure will give me a high. I'm not denying that. And the sense of power could be overwhelming. But the only power that I really need is the power to control my own life!

Most people in my life - close friends, distant friends, close relatives, distance relatives and non-existant relatives - would have been glad if I had been married by now. And to add to my misery, had ATLEAST one kid. If I hadn't done that, too bad they say! Oh but, since I hadn't done that divine, must-do thing, I should be owning a business empire by now, right? No?!?! What a disaster!! If I was not busy getting married, raising a kid and not running my home, then I would have done SMTHG with my life right? And the next best thing would have been to probably be a business tycoon maybe.Yeah, after 4 years of passing out from college!!!

To all those people, all I have got to tell is that I'm doing what gives ME happiness. I think life becomes rich by the 'experiences' u go through and not by the 'achievements' u make. As I said , Vice Prez does sound fancy, but not compelling enough to chuck the simple pleasures of life. Managing a team of 50 people is great, but I'm not willing to trade that for the utter recklessness that I enjoy. Meeting deadlines can give u an adrenaline rush, but I cannot miss that newly released 'must-watch' movie.

I find happiness in lil things. Being able to sleep those extra hours in the morning with out worrying about cooking for [non-existant] husband and kids gives me immense happiness. A lovely conversation with a good friend, without being interrupted by a whining child can make me happy. Staying up late at night watching a movie, reading a book, writing when the mood strikes, browsing something online or catching up with a friend without having to worry about an early morning flight the next day gives me hapiness. Stepping out of the house whenever I feel like , without being accountable to anyone makes me feel liberated and hence happy. Spending all my money on myself (without guilt) , unless I decide to do otherwise, gives me hapiness. Doing what I want to do, when I feel like it, gives me total control of my life and hence happiness. Now I may not do something wild or outrageous. But I still do what I want to do. And I may not have the best life and I always want mooooore, but I'm still happy with my life. Just that it doesn't conform with ur brand of happiness. Now u got to live with that, don't u???