Stolen Tag :P

I was an avid blogger once upon a time. By an avid blogger, I don't just mean someone who blogged regularly. But someone who devoured others' blogs as well. I read all my fav blogs religiously and commented on each one of them. My blogs were also read and commented on more frequently. It was fun cuz loads of friends were also blogging. It is always fun to read a blog when u know the blogger personally. But then, I took a year long break from blogging and things changed. Most of my blogger friends stopped blogging. The bloggers I didn't know forgot me. And even I din't really bother to say a hello to most of them. But I found this tag on Open book's blog and promptly took it up. I have done tags like this, but now m plain bored, so taking it up. And I guess I have evolved as a person. So it is not going to be the same.

1. I'm a person who is completely into the 'feel good' factor. I do things just to make myself feel good. ( who doesn't?). Right from my choice of movies (ofcorz the feel good variety which includes the chick flicks) and books (ezee-breezy reads) to eat out joints,( the fancier the better) or the decision to get a pedicure or a hair spa is all aimed at making myself feel good. They might appear futile, time consuming and extravagant to some. But if it makes me feel good, then it is good enough for me.

2. My laziness, procrastination, tendency to argue constantly, need to prove that I'm always right, impatience, restlessness, temper and mood swings are some of the traits I want to change. And I'm working towards it.

3. I love people. I love watching them, studying them, talking to them, talking about them. But I'm essentially a loner and there are very few things I love more than some quiet time with myself.

4. If there is a new movie released, I have to catch it immediately. If there is a new restaurant or boutique in town, I want to check it out soon. Else I think I'm missing something in life.

5. I'm very attached to my immediate family. And though it can be a lil mushy, I'm extremely grateful for it.

6. I think I'm way too empathetic. A friend has to just narrate a sad incident in his life and I will be worrying over it for the following days and my friend would have blissfully forgotten about it.

7. I have a mix of contradictions in life ( like most people I guess) - I can be brutally honest or boringly diplomatic, I'm a creature of habit but still hate routine, I will easily settle for the comfortable but get all excited about anything even remotely adventurous, I can be the loud , boisterous girl or the shy , quiet one, I can stay detached and aloof with people, I can also be passionate and attached so on...

Now I pass on the tags to...

1. Jungle Girl

2.Feminist

3. the flowing words

4. Destiny awaited

5. Mirror

6. Footlose

7. and YOU YOU YOU! Any one else who visits my blog, plss feel free to take up this tag and post a link in my comment box. And incase u are not a blogger, pls post the tag in the comment box. I would love to read them.

Just a random rant

It is past midnight and I'm up. I went to bed, couldn't sleep, so here I'm back staring at my comp. Feeling a bit down right now. I know I want to write smthg, but I can't find the right words.

Good night to me :)

That thing called Happiness....

The primary, and if u think about it, the only purpose of life is the 'Pursuit of Happiness'!!! Every damn thing that we do - from the lil mundane to the more important ones - are done in the hope that it will fetch us happiness. We go to schools, graduate from colleges and put up through 15 to 20 years of education in the hope that we will land a job , earn money and be happy. How many of us really go to school for the sheer pleasure of studying? Ditto with every thing we do. We do them in the hope that it will fetch us happiness sooner or later. Point taken?

But what is happiness? Or what gives us happiness? Doesn't everyone have a different reason to be happy? Who are we to judge what gives others happiness? For eg: There could be a woman whose only purpose in life is to get married. Ever since she was a lil girl, she was conditioned to believe that way. She can never get away from it, and guess wot, she doesn't want to. And she eventually gets married soon after her education, has her kids, runs her home, raise her kids and is happy with her life. So what if her talent is going to waste? So what if she is financially dependent? So what if her life is restricted to indoors? If it is a choice she made and if she is happy with it, who are we to judge? It may not be ur idea of happiness, but she has every right to be happy with smthg that doesn't make u happy. Same with the woman who doesn't have a nestling instinct and is too ambitious and career driven to get married. Who are we to tie her down with marriage and the million obligations (and not to forget the million relatives) that come along with it?

Now, see my own case for instance. I have been brought up on the foundation that education is a MUST, career is a MUST and you got to ACHIEVE smthg in life. I'm completely glad that my parents gave a lot of importance to my education, but when it comes to achieving many things to make ur life meaningful, I got to disagree with them. Any day, I would love to get truck loads of money. And 'Vice Prez' does sound fancy enough for a designation. But honestly, I can't care less. I know that If I had put in even an iota of my brains to good use, I would have done pretty well ( not Vice Prez tho;), but guess wot, I dint want to. And I'm happy with that. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that I'm okay with not having a six figure income? Why is it so difficult for them to understand that clinching boardroom deals is not what makes me happy? It sure will give me a high. I'm not denying that. And the sense of power could be overwhelming. But the only power that I really need is the power to control my own life!

Most people in my life - close friends, distant friends, close relatives, distance relatives and non-existant relatives - would have been glad if I had been married by now. And to add to my misery, had ATLEAST one kid. If I hadn't done that, too bad they say! Oh but, since I hadn't done that divine, must-do thing, I should be owning a business empire by now, right? No?!?! What a disaster!! If I was not busy getting married, raising a kid and not running my home, then I would have done SMTHG with my life right? And the next best thing would have been to probably be a business tycoon maybe.Yeah, after 4 years of passing out from college!!!

To all those people, all I have got to tell is that I'm doing what gives ME happiness. I think life becomes rich by the 'experiences' u go through and not by the 'achievements' u make. As I said , Vice Prez does sound fancy, but not compelling enough to chuck the simple pleasures of life. Managing a team of 50 people is great, but I'm not willing to trade that for the utter recklessness that I enjoy. Meeting deadlines can give u an adrenaline rush, but I cannot miss that newly released 'must-watch' movie.

I find happiness in lil things. Being able to sleep those extra hours in the morning with out worrying about cooking for [non-existant] husband and kids gives me immense happiness. A lovely conversation with a good friend, without being interrupted by a whining child can make me happy. Staying up late at night watching a movie, reading a book, writing when the mood strikes, browsing something online or catching up with a friend without having to worry about an early morning flight the next day gives me hapiness. Stepping out of the house whenever I feel like , without being accountable to anyone makes me feel liberated and hence happy. Spending all my money on myself (without guilt) , unless I decide to do otherwise, gives me hapiness. Doing what I want to do, when I feel like it, gives me total control of my life and hence happiness. Now I may not do something wild or outrageous. But I still do what I want to do. And I may not have the best life and I always want mooooore, but I'm still happy with my life. Just that it doesn't conform with ur brand of happiness. Now u got to live with that, don't u???

When beliefs go to the dogs....

A point has come in my life when I start to think that everything that I believed in was wrong. I spent a major part of my life believing in smthg, and those very beliefs go down the drain.

My beliefs make me. My principles mean the world to me. And whatever people think or say about me, I have always stuck to them. And I have been so proud of them. They defined me. And I never budged from them. Many times people have argued with me and tried to challenge my beliefs and opinions. And it was easy for them to challenge cuz my beliefs were not very popular among conventional thinkers. I have been hurt or belittled many a times just cuz I din't hold popular views. But I stuck to them nevertheless. Sometimes I argued and defended like my life depended on them . But smtimes I chose to keep quiet cuz I knew they won't understand it any way.

And now I have to compromise on them. Tell myself that whatever I believed in was wrong, I was too naive to believe in them in the first place. I must willingly let go of them and accept new ones. Life, I am told , is more important than the beliefs that make it meaningful! Sigh...

Life in Trivandrum and the others....

Disclaimer - I have nothing against Trivandrum. Nor do I have anything against men. Its just the combination that I have a problem with. I know that it is unfair to generalize. But whatever I say here, is based on my personal experience. And guess what, I get to say what I want right? After all, it is MY blog! ;) So pls don;t write in to say how great Trivandrum men are. I'm really not interested in knowing it.

I was working in Trivandrum, the capital city of Kerala. For the benefit of those who don't know much about Trivandrum, it is the southern most district in Kerala, and has the most regressive, perverted men. Now, this is not to say that ALL men in Trivandrum are like that. I repeat, not ALL are the same. But a vast majority is. I live in Cochin, has been to Kottayam, Calicut, Kannur and Trichur and found the male folk to be a lot better. In Trivandrum, me and my friends have been through many unpleasant experiences. There were many girls who worked at Technopark and came back late. They used to get dropped at a stop next to the hostel. And the walk back was scary, and scarier cuz the area was known for prostitution. So a woman walking down alone at night always called for unwanted attention. Then again, many a times I have seen men on their bikes with their wives riding pillion, checking out women. Checking out is very pleasant way of putting it! Ridiculous I say!!! Same thing at the restaurants. They will be with their families, but that will never stop them from staring shamelessly at every girl who walks by. I wonder how their wives take it.

And there was condom machine right next to our hostel. I remember one of my friends telling us about it, and all of us being really curious and making that trip to the "petti kada" next to the machine, just to take a look at it. Or every time we passed that road, we used to crane our necks to take a look at it. C'mon, when did conservative Kerala become so progressive and open- minded? And many a times when me and my friends had gone to watch movies in the theatres, we have seen prostitutes ( I don't know if its politically correct to use this. I think sex worker is a more politically correct term) with their... err.. clients... Now, it may be my over imagination. But what they did in theatre (I'm not going to be descriptive here. I will leave it to ur imagination) din't let me think about it any other way. In almost all the cases the women looked older than the men, but not old enough to be their mothers. Cud be an elder sister, or a friend. But nobody behaves this way with sisters or friends. And the women were all too eager to please. So I couldn't think about it any other way.

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It was the International Movie Festival time in Trivandrum and I was desperate to catch it. I had never been to an Int Movie Fest. While I was in Chennai, I got many opportunities to catch foreign movies, but I just couldn't make it. I knew I din't want to miss it cuz 1) I love movies. 2) I have heard that foreign language movies have a great quality. 3) This is really subjective. But i do think there is smthg exotic about watching a movie in a foreign language. 4) My then boss( who is a movie buff himself) made it sound like I will be missing in life if I don't catch it. We used to have discussions on movies and he knows about my love for movies. So it was mostly under his persuasion that I went and got the pass. I talked another friend into it and got a pass for her too. Now the hitch. I used to work from 9.30am-6.30 pm. I had to report back to the hostel at 7.30pm. How would I manage? It is not too difficult to cook up a lie and catch a night show. But,there was no one to pick us and drop us back to the hostel. Come to think of it, there were people willing to do that favour. But lets says, I din't want to depend on anyone. Trivandrum is not just unsafe, but scary as well for women. So all we could do was to catch the show on sunday. So me and my friend decided to make the most of the sunday and watch 3 movies back to back. Phew! Such committed movie-goers we are.

Me and my friend M studied the movie list and I did a bit of researching online and we zeroed in (many movies are played simulataneously in different theatres) on this movie called "Whispering of the Gods". My research told me that it is a controversial movie on the happenings in church. I was extremely interested. This is the kind of movie I would love to watch any day. And my over-enthusiastic brain failed to read too much into the word "Controversial". Once we got into the theatre, we saw that there were just two of us girls, rest all were men. We din't think too much about it, cuz women in Trivandrum din't step out much anyways. So we set to watch the movie. The movie began with a steamy scene (this is an understatement.I don't know what better word to use. And even if I know, m not using it cuz my family is reading it) and that did make us both very uncomfortable. But we acted totally cool. U see, we are educated, liberated women and we should be totally okay with a scene like this. And we are true movie lovers and we should be able to appreciate every scene in a movie. And honestly,I think I would have been okay with it if I weren't surrounded by men. That too in THRIVENTHRAM ( as pronounced by my Oriya friend M. And she says "Parrram pori" for "pazham pori". But thats another story)But then we let it pass. I thought it was just ONE imperative scene in the movie very crucial to the plot. But fifteen minutes into the movie, I was almost sure that it was a porn movie. But I was still hopeful that there will be a twist and things are going to be better. But half and hour into the movie, I lost hope. I started squirming in my seat, scanning at the audience, trying to gauge their reaction, but not daring to make eye contact with them. I wanted to run. And we did consider it. But we realised that we would end up attracting more attention. To truly understand my plight, you should understand the cultural context. Now I started wondering if this was the reason why only men made it to the theatre. I din't even spot any female journos. Why din't my research let me in on this info. Cuz I suck at research?? Yeah! Anyways, we sat through the movie somehow and was relieved when it was over. We were too embarrassed to step out and I behaved like I was talking to my shoes ( looking at my feet and refusing to make eye contact with anyone), carelessly ( very carefully actually) covered my face with my messy (on purpose) hair and got out of the theatre unscathed. I remember texting my friend N ( not the one I mentioned in the previous post) about it and she texted back asking if there were subtitles. I think her hubby wanted to know it. :P

Anywyas, I go to work next day and meet a very embarrassed looking boss. I act normal.. cuz I was feeling normal. After discussing this and that for a while he asks me

"Did u watch any of the movies yesterday".

Me - Yes

Boss - Did u watch "Whispering of the Gods"

Me - Yes ( I din't let my Yes give out anything more)

Boss - How was it?

Me - (Now I'm totally confused. I din't know how to answer that qstn without feeling embarrassed. But I keep a straight face and said) It was a rated movie.

Boss - What? (Smtimes he doesn't hear what I say. So I gotta repeat. So m hoping it was same in this case too)

Me - It was a rated movie

Boss- (after a short silence) I was there too. (And immediately added)But i dint sit thru the complete movie.

Yeah rite!!!!, I thought!

I almost choked on my laughter. So that is what it was. He saw me at the theatre and was embarrassed about it. If I had probably lied and told him that I din't have gone to movie, he would have kept quiet about it too. But now that I told him the truth, he was forced to make that confession :D

Train Journey - 2

The post needs editing.. pls bear with me...

Less than a month back, I found myself travelling to Telechery (North Kerala) to attend a friend's engagement. I'm not very familiar with route, but was determined to attend the engagement, so went ahead with it. I was assured by my friend N that I can travel comfortably cuz it is a Sunday ( and since it is an executive train , people shuttling between cities for work travel in it), the train would be empty. I bought the story and made no attempts to reserve the tickets. Now, at this point I must confess that I'm a fussy traveller. I WANT a window seat! Though I'm perfectly alright with non-air conditioned travelling, I always go for one during shorter journeys( During longer journeys, I mostly stick to the second class tho), cuz the seats are too cramped in the general class. But since I was assured of the seats, I din't bother to book. While my Dad was driving me to the station, he kept on asking me why I din't bother to book the tickets. And I told him N told me there will be seats. Dad din't think so, but I guess he was too sleepy ( what do u expect at 4 am? ) to argue. But as soon as I reached the station, I realised that the train was packed. My Dad looked at me and said "kando, njan paranjille??" meaning "Look, din't I tell ye"? (The man is right most of the time, that is why I rarely argue with him) So what do I do? I just go for the ONLY window seat I find and sit there. Its a 3-seater and immediately 2 men join to give me company. Now I wanted to scream, but I sat there like a happy girl cuz I asked for it. My dad says : see, I know better than N". I din't have a choice, but to say cheerfully "Its okay Daddy, it is just a matter of (and i counted the hours with horror) 7 hours. I think my voice cracked when I said the word 7!!! After that I tried to squeeze a bottle of water on my seat, but I cudn't do that without poking the guy sitting next to me. (due to space constraints) Now the last thing I wanted was the guy to mistake me that I was feeling him up or smthg. So I gave the bottle back to Dad saying that I'm not thirsty and don't think i will be thirsty during the entire journey. My dad obviously doesn't get it and tries to push the bottle through the window sill. I push it back. This game continues for a while until the train is about to leave and my Dad gives up. And then begins the torture. The 'lets get to know each other' session. So as practiced, I take my book out, ( unfortunately my ipod was not working, so nothing to plug into my ears) and stare at it. Now I was too sleepy to read, too uncomfortable to sleep, so I stare out of the window again.

And then the conversation begins. The 'friendly' guy wants to know where I'm getting down, and whether I travel this route often and if it is work related. Now, usually I'm really good at giving those ugly stares that shut people up. But I guess I have lost that art.Or maybe I was too sleepy to even frown. So I tell him very politely ( and this is not an exaggeration, I was surprisingly polite that day) it is not work that takes me to travel. So obviously he wants to know why I'm I tavelling. His expression tells me that there is NO reason I shud be travelling now. I tell him I got to meet someone and again continue staring out of the window. And again he tries chatting up. He wants to know where I work. At this point I really lose my patience. Why are fellow travellers so interested in knowing personal details? Esply when u don;t show any interest. So I just tell him I work for the newspaper. And he wants to know which one and I look straight at him and say Indian Express. Not that Indian Express has any potentional to scare anyone ( but media means power) , but I guess it is the way I said it, the giy stretched his back , got up and jsut disappeared.

So the fellow sitting next to him moves closer to me (sigh!) and gives space for another woman who was standing there. Now the routine questioning begins. But somehow I took an instant liking to this guy. No, I din;t fall in love with him. But he was obviously more easy to talk to. So then the work question. Where do u work?, he asks me? I say Indian Express. And he turns to me very excitedly and say, "Wow! I.E? I work for abcd (a malayalam daily).. So do u know Mr XYZ who works there? Ofcourse I do, i say promptly. So which section do u work for? Now I think hard to come up with smthg that wud intimidate him. I almost said crime beat and stopped short of saying it. I said features instead. So he asks me my name/. And I cook up some name. He tries to recollect if he has seen it smwhere. And then asks me who the current Chief of Bureau is? I know m lost there. So I just ask him if he knows the guy who sat next to me. When he says no, I confess. I tell him I no nothing about I.E and i was lying cuz he asked me too mnay qstns. So he bursts out laughing and tells "Vanitha police aanenu parayaamaayiunille". I laughed at the spontaneity of it. But more at the relief that i don't have to lie anymore. But guess wot. I laughed. And laughter means fraandship. So I had to answer all the questions that followed like it was a pleasure. But thankfully we had almost reached Telechery and I din't have to endure it for long.

Train Journey - 1

The below post requires editing... wil do it sooooon :)

I was traveling from Cochin to Trivandrum by Intercity on a Wednesday. Tuesday, being a holiday, I took Monday off as well. And since I have an instant fear of strangers, I always keep to myself when I’m traveling. Add to it, the fact that single women are more at a peril, I decided to keep to myself. But my fellow passenger din’t share my idea. A young, educated looking man went on chattering from one thing to another. I might have been interested in the conversation if only he hadn’t bragged so much. Sure, he looked well educated and well-travelled and I would have been impressed. But the very fact that he was trying too hard to impress made me unimpressed. I Pulled out my ipod and plugged it into my ears. I took a book out and started reading it with great pretensive interest. Since the book was uninteresting, I kept staring, sometimes at the book, sometimes outside the window. But he was not the one to give up.

He – “They sent me down from Mumbai to Kerala just because of my surname ‘Nair’. I’m a malayali, but I don’t know the language, so whats the point.

Me ( Gives a very understanding, empathetic look) – Oh! That’s tough!

He– These Malayalis, I hate their bloody attitude. Tuesday is a holiday, fine. So let them enjoy Tuesday. But why take off on Monday? Many called in to say they are sick

Me ( This time neither empathetic nor understanding) – Even I took off on Monday

He (completely dismissing it) – So these Malayalis, they don’t do any work. They want the office boy to do everything. Can’t even clean their own tables

Me ( gives a very disinterested look) – OK!

He – I told them I will fix a vending machine or 10 vending machines. Let them drink coffee. But let them make it themselves.

Me (Today I see the point in what he said. But back then I failed to see it. So again a disinterested look) - Hmmm

He – They make the office boy do everything

Me (Without taking my eyes off the book) - Alright

He – They used to think that what does this ( pointing to himself) guy know. He is just another MBA guy. But they changed that attitude when they heard the name of my college.

Me ( Knowing very well that he wanted me to ask the name of his college, made me very determined not to ask. I was definitely not going to give him another opportunity to show off) – Blank stare

He – IIMC

Me ( thought slightly impressed, but gives an uninterested look neverthless) - Okay

He ( goes on and on about pathetic Kerala and Keralites…)

Me( buries myself in the book)

He – I din’t ask your name. What is it?

Me – Neetu

He ( trying to be funny) – Neetu Singh?

Me ?( Totally not enjoying the joke) – Neetu Singh is an actress. I’m not HER. I’m Neetu George

He ( now really worried and surprised) – Are u a Malayali?

Me – Very much

He ( Silence)

Me ( really happy that with this silence)

He – Kerala is a beautiful place

Me – What???

He – Kerala is a beautiful place

Me (aghast) – really???

He – Yes. Have u been to Kovalam? It is a really good beach. And Alleppey is amazing. And I went trekking in Wayanad and faced a tiger.

Me – And the tiger ran away seeing u?

He - I have been told that when one comes face to face with a tiger, just stare at the tiger. The tiger obviously doesn’t know that you are dying with fear . Saying this, he bursts out laughing

Me – Very good idea that was

He – Yeah, I have traveled across Kerala and it really is a peaceful and serene place

Me( very sarcastically) - You just love Kerala, don’t u?

He – It is heaven!

You are loved anyways, woman!

If you are open, then u are easy to talk to

If you are not, then u are the mystery men love to unravel!

If you are bold, then you are appreciated and looked up to

If you are not, then u kick up protective instincts!

If you are funny, you make men laugh

If you are not, then you are the responsible home-maker material

If you are intelligent, then u make conversations interesting

If you are not , then you are the dumb girl men love to joke with!

If you remember to look into the little important things, then you are thoughtful

If you don't, you are just a lil child who is easily forgiven!

If you are giggly, then u are definitely how a girl ought to be

If you are not, then u have a purpose!

If you are loud, u make for boisterous company

If you are not, quieter moments are relished with u!

If you are aggressive, then you offer healthy competition

If you are not, then u are tender companion!

If you smile often, you bring sunshine

If you cry often, you will find fingers to wipe ur tears!

If u talk about ur insecurities, then you are affable

If u don't, then u are the strong woman!

If you know to take charge, u are to great to share burdens

If you cannot, you will be looked after!

If you are liberated, then you are exciting

If you are coy, then you are subtle and sweet!

If you are bratty, then u are the child upto some mischief

If you are giggly, u are the girl who lightens up

If you are tender, then u are the loving woman!

If you are naive, u are the child who needs guidance

If you are chatty, then u are the girl who has fun

If you are strong, then u are woman who can take care!

If you are insecure, u are the child who will be hugged

If you are freaky, then u are the girl who will be playfully teased

If you are loving, then u are the woman men want to live with!!!

However u are, there is beauty in u woman, u are special. Love being U!

Lead me

Lead me, don't rule me

Protect me, don't confine me

Hurt me, don't bleed me

Love me, don't smother me!!!

Prayers of Gratitude

I just finished reading Khaled Hosseini’s ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’. It is a brilliant piece of fiction. A fiction which nevertheless took me into a real world. A world I’m not familiar with. But a world I knew existed. After reading the book, I can’t help but be grateful for all the things that I take for granted, the most important being FREEDOM. The lines that follow are my after thoughts…

I’m grateful that I have a loving, supportive family

I’m grateful that I can live my life on my own terms

I’m grateful that I can step outside my house without fear of being beaten up

I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about my daily meals

I’m grateful that there is really no struggle involved

I’m grateful that I have an education

I’m grateful for the health I have

I’m grateful that I have intellect

I’m grateful that I have enough talent

I’m grateful that I have plenty of time to do all the nothing I want to do

I’m grateful for all the little things I forget to mention

I’m truly blessed, and I’m grateful for that!!!

On Being a Daddy’s girl

I’m a Daddy’s girl. Anyone who knows me well would know that about me. My classmates from school (whom I never kept in touch with after school, but later met thru Orkut) still remember that my Dad dropped me at school on his bike everyday. So he used to drop and pick me and my sis up, and later when we grew up to attend tuitions, he used to drop us and wait for 2 hours and pick us back. Now he din’t trust any auto guy to bring back his little girls safely. Neither did he trust us (actually he dint trust ME, my younger sis was way smarter, still is) board a bus and reach back safely. So he took upon himself to pick and drop us daily. When I was a little girl, he used to help me with my socks, tie/buckle my shoes ( I couldn’t do this on my own till much later), help me with my homework, simplified my math problems so that I just had to look thru it on the eve of my exam, ironed my school uniforms ( well.. I do iron his shirts now sometimes, but I still make him iron my clothes when I’m in a hurry. But now I mostly wear wrinkle-free clothes, so its okay) , sat up with me when I studied late, listened to all my rants and raves and pampered me silly. Well.. its another thing that I always thought that my sis is his favourite, he always disagrees. And most of our fights have been on this . But we fight no more on this. Or maybe a little lesser than before. Because my sis is such a darling ( despite the stubbornness that run in the family) that when pitted against me, even I would pick her!

The most important thing to me is that my Daddy is my trouble shooter. Whenever I’m shaken by fear or troubled with my problems, all I had to do was tell Dad. He would promise me that he would take care of it and my fears disappear. I have such immense faith in him that once the onus is on him, I can rest assured that everything will be taken care of. Whenever I’m in trouble, Dad is the first person I turn to. And there is no problem that he cannot solve. And people always thought I was independent, because they never saw me depending on any one else. Only I knew the truth. But the degree of my dependence on him dawned on me only when I moved away into a hostel in a new city. I used to put calls to him a number of times asking about everything mundane and inane. I used to cry non stop over the phone and he used to comfort me from the other end. I remember traveling alone one night ( and the train was horribly late and mostly empty cuz it was a special train) and the TTE of the train was annoying me. I couldn’t handle it alone obviously. So I dropped an sms to my Dad. And before I knew it, the train was stopped and the railway police was in the coach. How he managed to do it was beyond me. But then there are innumerable instances where he has been a saviour to me. So I often think whether I would be able to lead a life without him And I know someday it is going to happen. And I have died a hundred deaths thinking about it and shed copious mamopunt of tears after hitting the bed. That is what forced me to move in back home. People thought I was dumb. And I don’t argue. Even sometime back, when I go to bed and can’t sleep, I walk upto his room, wake him up and tell him I can’t sleep. It is a great relief just letting him know that I haven’t slept yet. Or when I can’t sleep because I’m over whelmed by this sorrow of losing him, I will go and wake him up and plant a kiss on his cheek. And I do that no more cuz I know it is cruel to wake him up from his sleep./ So I really don’t know how I’m going t o cope with a grief of not having him around more

My Dad actually made both of us- me and sis. Mom’s influence on our lives is quite zilch. He has imparted great values – on the importance of being honest and principled. He has never given us lectures, but always led us by examples. And we followed it. To this day, it is difficult lying to him. And I hardly do anything behind his back that he would frown upon on discovering, even when I’m sure he would never find out. If there are things about me that I don’t want him to know, I just say I can’t tell him and he wouldn’t ask.

My Dad always said things would change when I’m married and have kids of my own. He always thought that your parents are important to you only till the day u get married. He used to tell me that there is a difference in your relationship with your parents once you are married. And maybe he is right. My Grandad died a couple of years back. And all his children, including my mom cried for a day. And they were all okay he very next day. I was shocked beyond words. I wasn’t particularly close to my grand dad. But I felt bad for him that his children forgot him a day after he left this world. His children carried on with their business as usual, laughing and talking about clothes (my mom’s side discusses a lot about clothes and shopping). There was not even a mourning period. When I discussed this with my Dad, he told me this is what he has been talking about all the while. And I believed him. Someway, that assurance gave me some relief.

But then I read a blog. This blogger is married with two adorable kids and still has not really come into terms with losing her Dad. And I discussed this with many other married friends. They all said that they will be sad for a while, but would get over it soon. So I secretly hoped it will be the same for me. Preeti was just an exception maybe. And then I heard about another married friend’s father’s death and how she struggled to cope with it. So now I understand it is not about whether you are married or not, whether you have kids or not, It is about how much you love them. So probably those friends don’t love their parents the way I do. I don’t know who I will turn to, if not him. I don’t know how I will fill that vaccum. And I wanted to tell Dad. “ I have an amazing person as my Dad. He din’t probably have someone equally amazing as his Dad. THERE LIES THE REAL DIFFERENCE”!!!

Different Strokes...

Sometimes I believe in the grand illusion of life. I believe that I'm here for a reason. That I matter. My life is pre-destined, my destiny unchangeable. Some one has already etched out my role, I just have to play my part. I feel that the Universal forces are working in my favour, taking me closer to where I ought to be. There is apprehension cuz not everything is in my hands. But there is also consolation that everything will be taken care of. Just like a leaf sways with the wind, I will be guided and lead to my destination. There is a blessed assurance that I'm part of a plan.

Sometimes I feel that I'm on my own. What I do has no relevance in the larger scheme of things. What I do here matter only to me most of the time. I'm here only for a matter of 70-80 years. What happens to me is not a big deal. I'm after all, just a tiny speck in the Universe!!!

The Eternal Search...

Aren't we all lonely?? No parents, siblings, spouse, kids, friends can help us feel complete. Nothing can. Sometimes we believe that we ought to tap our creative energy to feel complete. An ambition fulfilled . Sometimes we believe that we need a soul mate to make us feel complete. Falling in love. Sometimes we believe it is truly spiritual. A connection with God. But nothing can make us feel complete. We are constantly searching for something to make us feel complete. Most of the time we don't know what is missing. The search is eternal.

Peace...

I have reached a place I have never been before, and it is blissful!

Hope and Happiness...

When you are uncertain about the truth, always believe the option that gives you more happiness.

Life....

Life has no short cuts, only smart choices!

People...

I wish I could pick my most favourite people from different phases of my life and place them all around me. I want to be with them all, ALL the time. Meeting up once in a while is just not nuff! :(

Words....

There are a million words locked inside, dying to get out... yet they remain there, succumbing to silence...

The not-so-rich me

I'm NOT rich, I just have expensive taste!!!

A friend for each season and each reason

Friendship Day is here again. And for the last friendship day, I wrote a post on one of my fav sitcoms F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Since then I have been meaning to write a propah post on friends. And its been a year since that.. Sigh…

So well.. I have seen friendships, made friendships, lost friendships, grown out of friendships, broken friendships..smthg or the other sure kept happening. Honestly, it was very late in life that I really felt the need to have friends. Maybe cuz I have a wonderful home and I was well taken care of. Maybe every whim of mine was satisfied without friends. Maybe I was a very secure person , loner probably (still I’m) and was happy with myself. Maybe I was too good for the others (What nerve to say that!) and din’t want to associate myself with them. Maybe they were too good for me and I din’t fit in. May be I din’t trust anyone enough. Maybe I was after all too insecure to let my guard down. Don’t get me wrong guys. I was always fond of people. I loved watching them, talking to them, hanging out with them, admired them, helped them and even loved them. But friendships? I’m not too sure. The concept was never in my mind. Somehow being liked was never one of my priorities in life. I was more keen on winning arguments than winning friends. And winning arguments mostly meant that losing a friend or making an enemy.

Alrite, so I really don’t know what I want to say. Am kinda digressing from the topic. But then who is a friend? Dictionaries probably give you a set of definitions. We have literary geniuses churning up their own versions. But who is really a friend? We all have our personal definitions. If you are being a friend to someone, does that make that person ur friend by default? If you consider someone as ur friend, does that mean that person is really ur friend? Is your friend the person you love the most (outside ur family ofcorz)? Or is your friend the person who loves you the most? Or do two friends always feel equal love for each other?

I have had different kinds of friends and seen different kinds of friendships. They connect and relate to each other on a different level. And sometimes you tend to take on the personality of your friend while you hang out with them. Is communication always necessary in friendships? Or can silence communicate a lot more than words at times? Sometimes you can talk a lot to a person, and yet not feel attached at all. Sometimes you can forge strong bonds even through silence. In some friendships, it is important to know all the details. In some others, you just know that whatever the detail, your friend will stand by you. Sometimes shared interests or shared sense of humour can bring people together. Laughter definitely decreases the distance between two people. But is that good enough? Or is it even necessary? You may actively talk about your pet subjects to someone cuz u know that your listener shares the interest and understands it. A connection is definitely made there. But is that connection good enough to make you care for that person? Does an intellectual connection always lead to an emotional connection.? You may share the same kind of sense of humour with someone and laugh out a lot in their company. But does that really suggest a strong friendship? Does having fun in each others company mean that they are great friends? Is that even an indicator of whether that person will stand by you during a rough patch. You may have activity partners. If you are the partying kind, you go out together for drinks. Are they friends? If you love golf, or shopping or movies, you always find someone with similar interests. Does that mean you are friends?

I feel that how much ever we don’t want to believe it, friendships are not permanent. In some rare cases, they are. But in most cases they are not. So we sure have a friend for every reason. School friends, college friends, friends from work, friends from flat – either we or they move away. Sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to keep in touch, but cant. Sometimes we don’t want to keep in touch. We don’t think it is very necessary. We grow out of it. Parting with a friend can be painful. But growing out of a friendship can be painless, slow and smooth. We just don’t feel their need in our lives. We may or may not keep in touch. But more often than not, the intensity of our friendship reduces a lot over time. Atleast in most cases.

So we definitely have friends for every season. Do we have friends for every reason? Looks like we do. It mite be difficult to find all the qualities that we require in a friend in one individual. So when we want to be all goofy and dumb, we have a certain set of friends. You enjoy their company, have a good time, match wits , laugh at each other’s expense and laugh at each other’s jokes. Great fun. You will be instantly pepped up in their company. Sometimes you are so comfortable in someone’s company and can talk ceaselessly, but still not feel a thing. And there are friends you run to in times of trouble. You may not be expecting any help, but you just need a listener to vent out your frustrations. Somebody to talk to about whats bothering you, somebody who can comfort you and make you feel better. And most important, somebody you can trust with very personal information. This person may not always think like you, or has an answer to your worries, but may just let you know that he is there for you. A few consoling words, a ruffle on your hair or hug can do the trick for you. But when a more philosophical question stirs up your mind, you seek out an intellectual partner who talk the same language. There are friends who protect you, friends whom you protect, friends who make you laugh, friends who laugh at your jokes, friends who cry to you, friends you cry to , friends who cry for you, friends who talk to you when you just listen, friends you talk to while they just listen, friends in whose company you both speak with each not paying enough attention to what other is saying (yet have a good time),friends you share your deepest fears with, friends you talk about the dumbest thing you have done, friends in whose company you may not talk much, yet understand how you feel for each other.

So what do you think is a friendship? What kinda friends do you have and for what reasons?