A lot has happened...

A lot has happened since I last updated the blog.... and I have lots to write... so I am condensing them into bullet points...

• For some unknown reason, I don't feel the urge to write anymore. It could be because I have been doing a lit bit of writing for a living, so I don't find the same enthusiasm to write on my blog.  And even on days I feel like writing here, I don't indulge myself much. It could be cuz I normally turn to my blog to channelise my negative emotions, and I don't want to share much on what put me in  negative frame of my mind recently. Also,a lot of my blogger friends stopped updating their blogs, so I lost interest in blogging. I used to completely devour their blogs. And lastly, since I was irregular with my updates, I lost most of my readers. Sigh...

• The big change that happened in my life is that, I got married. I never thought I would. Not cuz I don't like men. I do like men and I have fallen in love before as well. Not cuz I was unromantic. Iam a die-hard , corny, mushy, romantic types at heart. Not cuz I was strong enough to live alone and  didn't  want anyone in my life. I am very much a sensitive, scared person who loves being taken care of. But cuz, I knew that marriage would change my life. And I loved my life too much to let it go. I loved the abundant freedom I enjoyed and took for granted. I loved the cozy-comfortable life I lead. I loved the pleasant boredom that has sooo become a part of my life. I loved the lack of responsibilities I had in my life. I always asked myself, "why would I willingly give all this up in my life?" I never found an answer to this qstn. I believed in love. I believed in sincere relationships. But I never really fancied the institution of marriage. And I don't say this in a "I'm a hippy, so I don't get married" sort of a way. But I never fancied marriage, cuz it comes as a package with lot of  things that I don't like. The "relationship" between a man and a woman might be the core or foundation of a marriage, but a lot of other things are thrown into the mix. But I did get married. I fell in love with a wonderful man, and I wanted him to be in my life always. And I realized that the only way to have him in my life is to marry him. If he had given me a choice where  I didn't have to marry him, but I could still have him in life, (like just be in a life-long relationship, it need not even be live-in), I would have opted for that. But he didn't give me that choice. So I took the plunge. But now Iam happy being his wife.

• A year later, my sis got married. We are Malayali Catholic Christians and she married a Hyderabadi Brahmin. Iam really happy that she married the love of her life. And he is an adorable guy. More than anything, I know that he loves her to bits. And offers her a great support system. But even then, I was worried that I will lose her during this transition. I would have felt the same if she married someone from our own community.But I felt it more now cuz the acceptance levels always vary when you are with a completely different clan. I worried if she would be isolated in a new family, amidst people who speak an unknown language, and follow a million traditions alien to her. I wondered if her husband's family would ever accept ours. I wondered if they would let her interact with us as much, cuz u know , among Indians, brahmins are considered the elite class. And I worried that by their standards, we are not that elite.And to add to it all, I had to fall terribly sick on her wedding day. Even though I always looked up to my sister,  I felt a new-found respect for her when I saw her determination on her wedding day. Despite all the difficulties and 'strangeness', she did all that she was asked to do; tirelessly in a wedding ceremony that lasted 36 hours straight. She did all the fasting that she was required to do (even though no body would have found out), she took bath in cold water at odd hours like 12 midnight and 4am (and as far as I can remember, she takes bath only in warm water, and this is mostly cuz of health reasons), she switched into around eight saris during the ceremony, she stood in front of the fire and smoke for long hours, even though she suffers from severe wheezing. And she did all that willingly, and without uttering a single word of complaint. That is when I realized the strength of her love.

To be continued....

The aroma of coffee to wake me up...and the wind caressing my hair..

while am sitting at the balcony.. reading the day's news..

and enjoying my creamy coffee......!!!

A quick shower to freshen me up...

butter and sugar toasts... freshly squeezed chilled juice....

scrambled eggs, ham and sausages.....

and to polish it all down with chocolate donuts...!!!

A nice romantic movie...

an enjoyable read...

lots of friends....

and lots of laughter.....

a walk by the beach in the evening...

holding the hands of the one I love....

a moonlit evening...

a drive in the night...

with soothing music in the background.....

Talking to dad and mom.....

hugging them....

drinking tea with them...

watching movies with them......

Happy Birthday Love!!!

I always liked the tall, broad, wheatish types... Either that or the bespectacled , intelligent, tall types. I was never into the fair, cutiee,chocolate types. I have always seen my friends drooling over the chocolate boys, but they captured neither my interest nor attention. I swooned over naughty, mischeivous smile (the kallachiri, as I often call it) instead. And guys with a great sense of dressing (and can tell beige from brown), attractive and brisk body language and lotta energy. But I never thot that I would find that combination in one package. And then u walked into my life, and I was floored!!! Even though it was definitely not love at first sight for me, u managed to create a very positive first impression. But then I had a million nagging doubts in my heart. What if ur a pyscho? What if you are a playboy? What if ur a pathological flirt( that kallachiri didn't help ur case). What if ur a compulsive liar? (again ur kallachiri landed u in trouble). Slowly, but surely, the doubt and insecurities disappeared. After endless discussions, fights, tears and breakups (ahem! ahem!), we are here today!!! And I must say that ur unfaltering smile still makes my heart skip a beat!!! :):):)

During our first date, I was over-joyed to know that u are passionate about travelling, food and movies - three of my loves too!! As we plan and dream about all the wonderful holidays that we would take in future, I cannot stop beaming with such immense joy. And food.... I always wanted someone who enjoys food and loves experimenting. When we start talking about food, there is no stopping us. And its amazing that we enjoy the same kinda movies and keep quoting lines outta them :)... We love the same things, believe in the same things and share many interests. Iam so glad that you share my aesthetic taste too, so we don't have to fight over the colour of the curtain or the shape of the coffee table. I can easily trust you to buy me something and can rest assured that u will get back with something I like. I am thrilled when I go shopping with you. You enjoy shopping too (as much as a guy is legally allowed to enjoy :D) and do not mind going from shop to shop looking for the right stuff!

We have our differences too. My relationship with sports ends with just knowing how to spell it right. But you are not just an ardent fan, but u also thoroughly enjoy getting out into the field and sweating it out there. I can sniff some very passionate channel wars in future...As I often tell you, whenever a new gadget hits town, ur the first to know and am the last to know. Iam lazy and laidback. Ur high on energy. God! Its tough keeping pace with you... I sit up in awe and watch, as you neatly fold clothes and pack them into your suitcase. Me, on the other hand, belive in the "Curl and Throw" theory. I curl my clothes into a ball and throw them into the cupboard or suitcase. :P.. And am a whiner!!! I used to exude lotta negative energy, crib endlessly, wallow in self-pity, seek out melancholy and run to you for solace. But u didn't entertain it one bit and made it very clear that u cannot find solutions to my "unreal" problems. Your indifference did help me be a stronger person, even though it thoroughly shattered me initially!! That said, whenever I had "real problems" and was in "real need", u were alwaysss there for me :):):)... U exude lotta positive energy and always focus on the brighter things in life. And ur positivity has rubbed off on me. I feel that I have become a better person now.

Your are a perfect combination of all things awesome - You are such a fun person and share my brand of humour. I absolutely enjoy hanging out with you. You love all the fun things in life. Yet, I have never seen someone more responsible than you. I sometimes wonder how you keep track of so many things, follow up on them, organize things in the head, takes initiatives and manages everything so responsibly.... You are assertive and sticks to your word when it comes to matters of principles.. But when it comes to matters of heart, you are as tender as it can get... When u have made up ur mind, no amount of crying, coaxing, cajoling or cootchie cooing will work with you.. but u melt into mush when somone u love is hurt....I have heard a lot of girls complaining that the men in their lives are so unemotional. But am truly glad that u totally get my emotional side and even enjoy a bit of emotional conversation. Sometimes ur just a child being all silly, sometimes you are all so naughty and fun like a guy, at other times you take charge like a man and handle the situation so well....And I SOOO love that AGRESSIVE-GENTLE combination!!! You are an extrovert and can keep the conversation going forever, yet when I tell you smthg close to my heart, you listen raptly with genuine interest. You love adventure, excitement and taking risks, but that doesn't make you reckless. You are a sensible person who thinks things through, plays it safe and plans things in great detail... You are a realistic guy, with his feet firmly planted on the ground. But you are also the more romantic one in the relationship. You remember birthdays (not just mine, but everyone who matters to you), do cute lil romantic things, say all the right lines and get all moist-eyed when I say smthg mushy.

Something that really brought us together is our love for our respectives families. We both realise and understand that family is supreme, and that there are very few things that are more important than the families. We find so much pleasure in spending time with our family and absolutely treasure such moments of togetherness. I have been teased by friends many times when I chose my family over friends. But Iam absolutely sure that I have been right. We both are very clear that being in a relationship or getting married won't change our love for our families. Sure, priorities must and will change, but we do know that some relationships are forever.

Iam soooo happy that ur bonding well with my family, esply my Dad. Its nice when the two men in my life talk fondly about each other.(And now I have a feeling that u both have ur own secrets that u dnt share with me :O) The day u told me that my Dad is a nice person, is one of the happiest days of my life! I see a lot of him in you - the principles & values, the optimism, the undying spirit, sibling love, the responsibility, the protectiveness and caring. Yet, you two are poles apart. Dad is such a cynic and ur such a believer!! And am glad u have none of his cynicism. Dad fights when someone is unfair to him, but u smooth-talk ur way( unless fighting is the only remaining option).. Dad believes that Newyears, festivals and birthdays are just another days, where as u treat them as moments for celebrations... Iam glad :)

Iam so happy when I see you doting over ur nephew and niece in particular, and over kids in general. Iam sure that you will make an amazing Dad. I have an awesome Dad, and want my kids to have an awesome Dad too (mostly cuz their mom would be a lost case :D).

But of all the amazing qualities that you have, something that really defines you is ur heart of gold(I say this at the risk of sounding cliched). You are genuine to a fault and is an extremely loyal person. You make friends for life and stand by them thru thick and thin. (whether u keep in touch or not). I often tell you that ur truly blessed to have such life-long friendships. But smthg that I rarely tell you is that you really deserve such everlasting friendships cuz u have earnt them. You cannot see anyone hurt and you often go out of ur way to keep everyone around you happy. You protect the underdogs and go an extra mile to help a needy person. Once during our galavanting, when we bumped into two girls who were lost (two pretty bombshells, so no underdogs mind you, but still they were lost!), you tried your best to help them out (out of genuine humanitarian concern i believe). Though I had a bad headache the whole day (okay, I faked it cuz I was mighty pissed off with ye :D), I secretly admired you. You are honest to the core. Sure, u can think up lies on ur feet and cook up stories. But as u say, ur an open book and if people can read you, they will know you. But you have also taught me that its okay to lie if it saves someone a heartache. You never do something just cuz it is a cool thing to do, but you are individualistic enough to do things on ur own terms .

We both believed in the beauty of a stable and strong relationship. Our friends advised us to enjoy our life and to not waste our time by waiting for the right person who may never turn up. But am glad that we waited for each other and we didn't ruin the exclusivity of this special bond by giving pieces of ourselves to prior short-term flings or momentary pleasures. (Ofcorz, we have our own blasts from the past. But we knew where to draw the line).

You are truly a gem of a person. But that doesn't make you too much of a good boy or a bore. Lotta nice people I know are so boring... and lotta interesting people I know are.. well.. not so nice. They just have their own interests in mind, and just want to have fun. So I have often wondered if there would be someone who is nice AND interesting - someone who believes in the importance of family, but has ventured out of his comfort zone and travelled the world ... someone who is naughty, but nice.. ... someone who is fun, but sensible.. someone who is romantic, but realistic.. someone who is protective, yet enjoy being pampered... someone who is spontaneous, but also a planner.. someone who offers awesome company, but gives me space. someone who treats a woman like a lady, yet considers her a buddy... someone who is assertive, but tender... And my love, u are all this and more.....

I love it when ur matching wits with me ... the teasing and taunting ... the peppery romance... the great laughs... the friendship we share.... the long, serious conversation... the casual, mindless chatter... the back-to-back movies... the unending search when we can't find the exactt thing we want to eat... the joy when we discover it.. the endless cootchie cooing... the awesome cuddles... but what I like best is when u look at me dreamily with eyes full of innocence and love...That is when it hits me that "This sweetheart is MINE!!!".... MUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!!

Have a fantastic life... better said.. Have a fantabulous life with me!!! :P ;) :)

Turning 28!!!

To be edited

I turned 28 coupla days back and somehow it feels good. I never expected this. As I said earlier, I was really upset when I turned 26, cuz I swept past the much-talked about 25! Because, 25 is seen as the cut-off year every where. Whenever you take part in surveys or fill up forms, they go like this...

below 18

18-25 years

26-35years

above 35

I felt great when I could check that column next to 18-25. I might be 24, but people could still think Iam only 18. Iam leaving the options open. If u go by the way I look, chances are that you wouldn't think like that. :D But if you go by the way I sometimes behave, then Yeah, very much Possible :D So I was really upset when I turned 26 and had to check that column next to 26-35. So someoe who reads it might think am 35? From 18 to 35 in one swoop!!! Thats so unfair!!!! Surely, being 26 and 35 is not the same thing. It never is. So you can imagine the disappointment I felt when I turned 26!! Add to it the fact that I was at a personal low, looked my worst and was under tremendous pressure of various kinds. When I turned 27, boy! I was heartbroken. Just a mere 3 years to turn 30! Turning 30 was never part of my plans. I mean.. really.. I never planned that far. I thought I will always be a kid...(honestly, I still feel like a kid on most days) and time would stand still or I would just magically disappear or some such thing... I can plan only 6 months forward... Anything beyond six mnths would go over my head... I live for the moment... Maybe, even cling on to the past fiercely, refusing to move on... But future was smthg I rarely thought of.. Ofcourze I pondered over philosophical questions, worried over inconsequential things, had mighty illusions of grandeur about my future, dreamt about being rich and famous et.al.. But I did all that cuz I really enjoy getting lost in an imaginary world. Not cuz I really believed in them. So yeah... 30 was smthg I never planned to be. But yayyyyy!! When I turned 28, it actually feels great. To begin with, 28 sounds really cool to me. Wayyy cooler than 27. 27 is like a wannabe... U have crossed 25. But u still want to be in that below 25 bracket. Wannabe!!! But 28 is in a league of its own! When u are 28, you have gotten over ur 25-fixation. It doesn't matter anymore. Its over. You have made peace with it. But hey.... Guess wot? 30 is still 2 solid years away!!! And thats great when you are surrounded by a lotta people who are in their 30s. And you stilll have ample time to rework on "things to do before I turn 30" list.... And am glad that I have taken some steps towards it. But that can wait. I really dont wanna publish my "things to do before I turn 30" list. I can do that when I do a post for my 30th birthday. That said, I have made few simple resolutions for this year. The ones that can be actually followed.

1. Don't buy books or movies DVDs unless I have finished reading/watching everything that I already have. Don't buy any book or movie DVD unless I really wanna read/watch it. Sometimes I buy them just cuz they are popular or they are must-reads or must-watch.

2. Argue less. Ok, I have grown wise. Arguing is pointless. Arguing is a waste of energy and time. And at the end of the day, if u cannot get the point across to the other person, u feel frustarted. So now I have learnt to silently listen to watever the other person has to say and just move on. As long as I know am right, Iam fine.

3. Lie a little. This might come as a surprise. But now I understood the importance of lying. I can sometimes be too honest, too open and too frank. But its clearly not doing anyone any good. If harmless lies can protect someone from getting hurt, save relationships and make every one happy, so be it.

4.Better Living - Get my sleeping pattern on track, Walk daily, drink loads of water, practice yoga, eat healthy, deaddict from watever am addicted to, read more, pray more.

5. Expect Less - From family, from friends, from love, from life, from God! This is the toughest, i tell ye.

6. Save more - Don't spend on things that are not absolutely necessary. Save up on the lil things for bigger things. Walk the shorter distances. Take the bus instead of the rickshaw. Take the rickshaw instead of the cab. Travel non AC, instead of the AC. Drink cappucino instead of Cold coffee with whipped cream and choco sauce. Buy one pair of shoes instead of 3. Saving up on lil things will add up.

7. Nurture Relationships - Forgive. Its liberating!! Keep in touch with those who are important. Remember birthdays - This might not seem very important. But I forgot to wish two of my friends whom I call up on an every-day basis. And they both religiously wished me on my birthday. So am going to sign up into some birthday reminder stuff .

8. Be sure of who I want in my life - If smone doesn't make me feel good, then just cut them off from life. They are really not worth it. There are people whom I care a lot about, but they dnt give two hoots about me. Then there are people who make it look like their life is so awesome, and talk non-stop about it. I know that people usually do this because they have low self-esteem. They really need to 'prove' that they are having a great life. Then there are people who crib about everything in life. Venting out once in a while is human. But cribbing about every lil thing and making a mountain out of them? So very uncool. Thenthere are those who repeatedly say how much they are adored by their friends, colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances, dogs on the streets etc. This is really funny when the person who says is not all that lovable. So if someone makes me feel good and exudes positivity, then they are with me.

9. Try something new every now and them - Simple things like cooking a new dish, trying a new hair cut, applying a new shade of nail paint or lip colour, checking out a new restaurant, taking a different route. Or bigger things like learning a new language, a new musical instrument etc. It doesn't matter even if I dnt stick to it long term. Just the pleasures of learning something new is great. In short, be experimental.

10. And even if I manage to do nothing from the list, not to be too hard on myself.. and lourvvve myself!!!!!

The Loves of my life....

Iam sometimes such an easy person to please... Ofcorz. there are days when am cranky and grumpy... and I can be such a fussy and hard to please person... but these are some of the simple pleasures of life that I enjoy...

- Staying up late into the night : Iam a nocturnal. PERIOD. I come alive it night. I work better at night, I write better at night, Iam more fun @ night iam a better person at night.. Iam simply a night person. Mornings are meant for idling around. I take time to come out of my zombie state in the morning. Iam low on energy, prefer not to make much conversation and carry on like that. But come night, and I want to go out with friends, i want to catch a movie, want to go for long drives, want to sitay up and read a book, write my heart out , listen to my fav things, make long fone calls. can do all of these in the morning too. But they attain a completely different meaning at night.

-Sleeping late into the morning : This is partly because of the point mentioned above, but not limited to it. I love cuddling up under layers of blanket. And I love that feeling of waking up in the morning and being glad that I have few more precious minutes to catch up on my sleep. That feeling of slipping into sleep is awesome!!!

- Chocolate cakes - Digging into rich, creamy, gooey chocolate cake. Yummm! Divine! I can't think of another word for it.

- Words - I love beautifully expressed words. Doesn't matter whether they are my own creation, said by someone known to me, sent in a mail by a friend, read in a book, heard in a movie, lyrics of a song, or directions to use on a face wash brand (yep, I read them too. not once, around 2-3 times). So yeah, I love words and they can move me like nothing else.

- Laughter - If u are my friend, sense of humour is a must. Though Iam generally a thinking person (doesn't matter what I think about), I love humour. And the wilder, the humour.I need my daily dose of laughter to keep me sane. I enjoy the company of people with sense of humour. And my company is such a booster for them too, as I genuinely appreciate their humour. A joke cracked by a friend can light up my day. I can laugh at a totally dumb joke, but can appreciate an intelligent joke as much. Sarcasm is my thing. And I totally enjoy wicked humour too. Iam a feminist, but am almost always the first one to laugh at a sexist joke. Cuz I can take a joke, even if its at my own expense.

- Novelty : Iam a creature off habit. And I hate tp get out of my comfort zone. But I still love the rush that novelty gives. Moving into a new city, meeting new people, making new friends, trying out a new cuisine, learning a new language or conecpt, everything excites me. Routine and familiarty bores me.

Shopping - It is fun and therapeutic. I love all its varieties. I love walking into a posh mall all alone, checking out everything they have and coming out without buying anything, but beaming with hapiness and feeling good. I just emjoy being in the midst of all those goodies. I love going to a street-side shop with friends, bargaining with all my might and grabbing some really good deals, again beaming with pride over my bargaining skills (which needs some serious brushing). I enjoy going to a shop that ( I can actually afford or a bit more expensive than that) and buying tons of stuff for myself and pampering myself. Retail therapy. I enjoying accompanying friends on their shopping sprees, advising them on what looks good on them (that is, if they ask for my help), running around the place and getting them stuff while they preen in front of mirrors in the trial rooms, I enjoy all of this. I get as much pleasure in picking up a coffee mug as i get while buy myself a new outfit. Clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, cosmetics, toiletries, crockery, cutlery, stationary and the likes.... I love shopping for all that.

Looking back... at the year that went by....

New Year is a few months away. But i turn a year older in a couple of days. Nothing is going to change drastically in a few days that lead to my birthday, but a lot has changed in the past one year. I have made peace with myself, learnt a few realities, gladly accepted the things that I cannot change, and I evolved into a more secure person. But the most important change in me is that I started being grateful for a lot of things I have in life. And when I started counting my blessings, I realised that there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Last year has been a roller coaster ride for me. There were some ups and downs. There were some very exciting, exhilarating, and even intoxicating highs, but there were also some depressing lows and I hit rock bottom. The year didn't begin very well. There were moments of deep pain when I felt that someone was stabbing me deep with a sharp knife and my heart was cut into million little pieces. And I felt that these pieces of my heart will never be together as one. Each time I made an effort to move, smile or talk, one of this piece would cut me through. I thought I would never be able to laugh heartily again. Forget about laughing, I thought I would never be able to smile again, without feeling something pricking me from inside. My world had come crashing down and I couldn't pull myself together. And on top of that I lost a friend (or rather we mutually decided to lose each other) who I thought I would never lose in life. One after other, things went from bad to worse. I went to bed with a heavy heart, cried myself to sleep, smtimes stayed up till early morning pouring my heart out into my diary, waking up feeling empty and with swollen eyes, wanting to be held and comforted with reassuring words, but found myself lonely. But I emerged out of it, as a healthier and happier person. And yeah, I count my blessings now, more often than ever. So I'm going to list down the positive things that happened in my life for the past one year.

* I made a really really close friend. Someone who completely understands me, cares for me and someone to whom I can talk about anything in the world. Once I got to know her better , I realised that we have a lot more in common than I thought. She has become a sort of an emotional partner for me. She is a really genuine and thoughtful person and I love her for what she is.

* My relationship with my mom has become great now.

* Someone with whom I had parted in bitter terms is back in my life now. All the bitterness have been resolved. Now when I look back, there is no sorrow or anger, just fondness.

* A wound that has been hurting me a lot has finally healed. And now I can finally laugh heartily.

* There was some one who inspired and impressed me a lot. She is the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. She is genuine and real, shares my wavelength, has a sweet sense of humour, is great to talk to, has got a lot of class, loves words and is absolutely a pleasure to be with. We had lost touch for so many years and finally we are in touch again.

* I thought that distance will kill some friendships, but it didn't. Infact, some friendships became stronger than before.

* I had always wanted to learn few foreign languages and take some piano classes. And I could finally do that this year. I took up French and cleared my DELF examinations. My piano classes are going on well, though sometimes it can really drive me crazy. I know how the fingers of my right hand should move. I know how the fingers of my left hand should move. But when I move both my hands together, it is total chaos. But with little bit practice, I want to really master it. And now I feel I actually can.

* Work looks good right now. And i'm getting a chance to do smthg that I always alwayss always wanted to do. I'm excited, and at the same time, a little nervous too.

* I have made new contacts and my social life is better now.

* I have finally started working on my book and it is progressing well.

*I wondered if I should write this last one. But I thought anyways, there aren't too many people who read this blog now. Besides, when I look back, its only going to make me happier. I wanted to do my bit for the society. Finally, I joined an NGO and is now teaching underprivileged kids.

So thats how the last year was. Things are looking really bright and 'm happy now. I have a few more things to work on. And I'm doing that at a steady pace. Hope that the good run continues........

Yours Happily

Me

Drops.....

That little drop of morning dew on the leaf

reminds me of the last night rain....

That little drop of ink bloated on paper

reminds me of my walk in the rain....

That little drop of tear on ur cheek

reminds me of the sorrow u hold in.....

That little drop of blood on a forgotten wound

reminds me that some wounds never heal....

Whats Uuuup?

Whats up? Absolutely nothing.! Yes, Thats how it is. Nothing exciting, interesting or eventful is happening right now. But I'm deliriously happy. Yes, I really am. There has never been a phase in my life where I have known such peace.

*Gratitude - I'm more and more aware of how truly blessed I'm. I was always a cribber. I used to crib and whine endlessly about what I din't have in life. I always compared myself with people who were doing better than me in life. But today, I'm really really grateful for what I have . Why on earth did I not count my blessings before? I don't know why it took me so long to understand the obvious. But this realization has changed my life for the better. I started looking at things from a new perspective. I need to thank a friend for this, who despite my total negativity, urged me to look at the brighter side always. Each time I was falling into a mess, he talked me out of it and infused in me a positive energy. Though I resisted it fiercely, I lapped up some and voila! I'm a new person now!

*Prayers - I discovered the power of prayers. I have always been a cynic. But I also maintained that the day I feel its power, I will openly announce it. And here I'm doing it. I still don't know how prayers work. I still don't know what is God or if there is even a God! Is God listening to ur prayers and granting ur wishes? Or is the positive energy u sent out (in the form of prayers) to the Universe, returned to u in the same amount? Or is God just the Energy sustained in the Universe.?I don't have the answers to all these. Yet, I gotta say that prayers have brought about a lot of changes in my life and I'm glad that it happened!

*Parents - I realised that my parents are indeed the besssstttt. And I don't say this cuz they are my parents. Anyone who has known them have been inspired by them. They are two of the most sacrificial people. In a world where people are plotting against each other to get ahead in life, these are two people who are willing to stand back, so that someone else can get ahead! But they also know when to fight when justice is not meted out. And I feel that having them as my parents make up for lack of almost everything else in my life. Every sorrow, every failure, every disappointment become trivial when I remind myself that I have 'Them' as my parents. How many people have that kind of luck?

* Love those who love me - I don't usually love people for what they give me. I love people for who they are. I love them for the qualities in them, not for the affection they bestow on me (tho it matters, its definitely not a deal-breaker). I'm not bothered about what I get from a relationship. But I'm bothered about what kind of people I'm associated with. As long as I approve of their character, I'm going to love them. On the other side, I don't always appreciate people who love me. I might totally ignore them if they don't fit my description of a "good person". Yeah, I'm crazy that way. But these days, I'm sending out love in all the right directions. I'm giving it out only to sources which sent it to my end. And I also try to make sure that I sent it out to every source( ermm... every source that is not creepy I mean) that sends love my way. So net result - Love doesn't get wasted. I don't end up loving people who don't give two hoots about me. And I also don't waste the love that is being bestowed on me. It is accepted gratefully and sent out in equal, if not more, measure.

* Detached-Attachment - I'm normally always a little detached. I don't really put my heart into anyone. But on those rare occasions, when I do get attached, I put the whole of my heart in there. Ahhh! And it breaks. At the most unexpected, inopportune moment, it breaks. So I decided that "detached-attachment" is the way to go. One of my friends recommended this strategy and I was mad at him. I thot he was a superficial moron. But then I decided to give it a thought. Even though I felt that smthg is not right about it, I gave it a try. And once I made that a way of life, I realised that it was a smart move. So now, I share my joys with others, but I have learnt to celebrate on my own. Occassionally, I lean on a shoulder to cry on, but I have learnt to hold in my sorrows, and be my own sounding board. I listen to others' grievances and problems, and even help them when I can, but I have learnt not to worry too much over them and consider them as MY problem. So yeah, I realised its not necessary to make others the centre of my world, I don't have to always worry whether I'm hurting others, and most importantly, I don't have to give the whole of my heart to others, a small piece would be just fine. After all, I'm such a wonderful person (let modesty go to the dogs), not everyone deserves the whole heart! wink ;) wink ;)

So, U get a five!!!

These are 5 random things about me :-

1. I get completely sentimental over food and sleep. Having to actually skip a meal or lack of sleep doesn't bother me much as such. But the mere thought of it makes me sentimental. I go "Ohhhh! my poor girl is starving and sleep-deprived".

2. When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be famous. And most of the time I wanted to become a famous actress. In my imagination, I was that actress with a huge fan following (ahem! ahem!) , who won lots of critical acclaim and ended up with all the awards. Jealous, are n't u?

3. When I grew up a little, I altered my dreams. I understood the stigma associated with being an actress, and altered my dream accordingly. Next in line was a television journalist as famous as Burkha Dutt. (Ye, I dream big). And I think for a good part of my life I used to actually believe that I would be one. I remember this incident when I was having a discussion with one of my seniors and she told me that TV journalists don't get paid well. That is when I told her that Burkha Dutt was paid well. Yep, I not only dreamt big, I did believe in my dreams as well.

4. When I was a lil kid, I used to filck toffies from the teacher's table. And boy! Was I good at that or what? If I had continued, by now I would have become a full blown criminal. (I don't know how it was in other schools. In our school, the kid with the birthday would distribute the toffies in the class he/she belonged to, and go on to distribute it to all the teachers in the school. So the teachers got a lot of toffies, almost every day.)

5. When I was 14, I wanted to marry cricketer Ajay Jadeja. He was quite a star then. And I had even made a "fool proof" plan to meet him. He hails from Haryana and so I made a plan to get to Haryana first. I thought and still think BITS Pilani is @ Haryana (my sis says it is @ Rajasthan, not sure), so I wanted to get an admission into BITS. And that was the single motivation for me to study hard. And once I got to Haryana, things would take its natural course ofcourse. I just had to go and watch one of his matches, and naturally he would spot me in the crowd and fall in love with me instantly.. Lol!

Words are few.....

A lot is happening, yet my words fail me....

I can't think of a title for this...

I can't think of a title for this one....Met up some old friends after a while. I cannot really define what the feeling was like. But at the end of it all, when I returned home, I felt quite heavy in the heart.

Relationships are always complicated. And I'm both good at them, and bad too. But, it is definitely one of my pet subjects. I love my solitude (which is very different from loneliness though). And I have a world exclusive to my own, which I guard closely. I treasure that world, and I don't want to give that up for anything in the world. In my world, I'm secure, I'm strong and I'm totally at peace. But I love people too. I love being with them, I enjoy their company, I love connecting with them on some level. It can be a total fun and casual relationship with no emotions attached, it can be a relationship based on shared interests or a shared history and may never go beyond that, or it can be something on a much deeper and emotional level. But whatever the nature of my relationships with them, I value them. I truly cherish them. And with people, all my security, confidence and strength is gone. And I get become vulnerable, emotional and insecure.

I cannot say who is more important to me. Because, each has a special place of their own. And each is irreplaceable. I honestly believe in that. Each person is different, hence the dynamics of each relationship is different. When I see that super boring (to the world), intellectual kinda arty movie that kinda struck a chord with me, I need to discuss it with someone. We may end up dissecting the movie scene by scene, applaud or criticise a particular dialogue and get into the skin of the character and try to feel what they felt. Now when I check out a new boutique that I particularly liked, or bought something new, I need to discuss it with someone who agrees with my sense of style. And there are times something funny catches my attention or there is a witty remark playing in my head, and then I immediately want to share it with someone who gets my brand of humour. Sometimes I need the company of people who share my enthusiasm for life. But at other times, I need people who can totally get my blues . There are times when I get disconnected from everything and get philosphical. So I really don't know who is more important to me. As I said, each has a special place. And if I have bothered to spend time with you and make a connection with you, u mean something to me. And you will be in my thoughts.

Full Of Goodness.....

Some people are so full of goodness that you cannot help, but love them. One such person is George Philip Sir, fondly called as G.P. Sir. He is a Physics professor at one of the colleges in Cochin and takes tuitions for the 11th and 12th students. While in school, I used to attend his tuition classes. He is undoubtedly a remarkable person. He is so full of goodness that as soon as I talk to him, I can feel the goodness flowing to me. His classes were quite popular among the students, and I always used to look forward to them. He made learning Physics quite entertaining. I remember how effortlessly he explained the functioning of machinery using everyday examples, like, how a mom and child wait at the bus stop and the child tries to run across, but the mom has got the child's hand firmly in hers. Such examples made it impossible to forget what we learnt. But more than his ability to teach, I adored the human being that he is. I don't remember a single time when he lost his temper. He would politely call out to the student who decides to chat up and say "Felixeee (that was his fav student in our batch) edakyyu ingottum koodi nokkane"... which means "Felix, do look this side once in a while". And when it was time to pay up our fees, he would reluctantly write it on the white board (never say it orally) and immediately rub it off. I guess he was too embarrased to talk about money. And he always seemed like a very simple person, full of goodness in him.

Years passed.... Priorities changed... I don't go for tuitions anymore. I used to think about G.P sir once in a while and was always filled with a sense of happiness. And today, I saw him unexpectedly at the college where he is teaching. And guess wot, I was overwhelmed with emotions. He was still full of goodness and I could feel that goodness suddenly flowing into me. And albeit for a moment, I was so full of goodness.....

Treasures

It was Harthal today and I had no choice but to stay indoors. Add to it a bad cough and the sluggish feeling after a long journey, I had to find something interesting to do. That is when I thought I should take a trip down the memory lane and take a look at all the old photographs. I knew it was all stacked in one suitcase and pushed under the cot. But so were many other suitcases. With my maid’s help, I dug out the said suitcase which was covered in dust, dusted it out and voila! I found such treasures.

I found my parents wedding album. My dad looked like a lost sailor. And my mom had an (un) – sexy pout. In every pic. She just wouldn’t smile. And it is not because she was sad. She definitely loved and still loves my Dad. And it is not even remotely because she thought it was sexy. Probably she was wearing lipstick for the first time and was self-conscious or scared that it would smudge. Or she was too weighed down by the attention she was getting and could barely smile. There were also black and white pics of my mom and her pretty friends in elegant sarees.

There were pics of the newborn me cuddled on my mom’s and granny’s laps. There was a pic where my then neighbour was trying to hug me. And the one-year-old me was clearly too big for her eight-year-old- arms. And there were loads of pics of mine where I looked pretty and plump in a pink dress. I was barely two, seated on a cane chair and was showing histrinonics. I was a drama queen even back then. One look at those pics and I knew that I was much loved, much adored, well-fed and taken good care of. I was the first grandchild in my mom’s family and back then I was the only one to bestow and lavish everyone’s affections on. I was the joy of their lives.

I saw pics of my Kindergarden days, always fighting for my parents attention after my sis was born. I completely doted on my younger sis though. The Ooty pic in a sleeveless brown and black striped dress where I put my arm around my sis is my mom’s favorite. I’m sulking in a couple of photographs because I din’t get to sit on my mom’s lap or so. And when all kids got their chocolates or horlicks, I was always the last one to get them. I would look expectantly waiting for my turn. And that Ooty pic again where my sis and my cousin each had a balloon in their hands. I so badly wanted one, but I decided to act all matured (fearing that Dad would scold me) and just smiled holding my sister’s hand. My mom looked very pretty in those pics – large eyes, long, black hair, big bindi – typical 80’s look that I so adore.

I saw my kindergarten class photo where I was wearing a frown, seated on the third row. And another girl D was sitting on the floor in the first row. I remember that I hated her. I don’t know why. Maybe because she had shaved her head or she always sucked her thumb. During those days mom and dad dropped us off at my granny’s place often. And our aunt used to tell us stories and make balls out of rice, dip it in curry and feed us. The stories were told to distract us from the curries we didn’t like and focused on the stories instead. The stories were mostly of me, my sis and our cousins driving off to forests and having many interesting adventures there. If my aunt had been a writer, she would have been the next Enid Blyton. And all her stories ended with D getting lost in the forest or being eaten up by a Tiger. Gee!

There was a sixth grade pic of mine with my class. I was the plumpest of the lot, but I think I looked cute in it. If only someone had told me that back then, I wouldn’t have cried buckets when somebody made fun of me. And I saw pics of me, my sis and my cousin as gawky teenagers. I had starved myself and lost loads of weight and looked dark and ugly. This is not to say that dark is ugly, but I looked horrible. Seriously. And then people were quick to point out that I looked so famished when I lost weight and I looked better when I was plump. What an unfair world it is! And there were pics of mine and my sis’ when we just hated each other. When ever a pic was taken, we made sure we stood 3 metres away from each other. And I remember how my aunt always told us to stand closer, put our arms around each other and show some love. How I hated them!

Then there were college pics, mostly of our Goa trip. I was always the fairest child in the family, but I did look darker than the other girls. Not that it mattered to me. There were other things that bothered me. I was clearly left alone in the gang of girls who put too much emphasis on phonetically correct English, relatives who lived abroad, fashion, good looks and lipstick. Not all were the same. I repeat, not all were the same. There were some really nice, genuine people as well. But I just din’t fit in. And then there were pics of my Chennai college days. I was probably the quietest among the crazy lot and the pics clearly showed that. To this day, I totally regret my five years of college. The choice of colleges and courses were mostly mine. And that is why I regret them too. I hated my school as well. But back then I didn’t have a choice. I had a choice with colleges. I did learn a lot of things, had fun, had both pleasant and unpleasant experiences. But I just din’t fit in there. Sigh!

Looks like my old memories made me more sad than happy. So then why are they called the Treasures. They are called thus, because I’m a sentimental person and attaches a lot of importance to even the unimportant sentiments. And it is these experiences which really made me who I’m.

Life Lessons Learnt

Sometimes life teaches u lessons that u never learn in school. These are what I learnt : -

1. Life is unfair. BUT, there is a balancing force in the Universe which evens out everything in life. You will realise its presence only when you pay attention. You may get away with murder, but later get framed when u are not guilty. You may cheat ur way thru exams, but then fail for another one even though u had slogged. You may butter ur boss and be his favourite, but lose out on a promotion which is rightfully urs. You may cheat on ur spouse, but badly get ur heartbroken. You may lose out on smthg which u deserve, but u will get smthg better when u least expect it. So yes, eventually everything will even out.

2. Genuine people are hard to find. If u have them in ur life, never lose them.

3. Don't go by someone's words alone. Even though words are important, know that their actions are more important.

4. Love the ones who love u, even though they don't meet your standards. There won't be too many anyways.

5. Do what u think is right, even if the world tells u that they are wrong. The world will secretly admire ur convictions and strength.

6. There will be times when u feel that honesty and sincerity have no place in the world. Don't get disheartened. Just stick on. Your time will come.

7. With patience , perseverance and planning, u can achieve almost everything.

8. Even if u wear a mask, what u have in mind will be out for the world to see. Both purity of heart and lack of it cannot go unnoticed for long.

9. Any worthy relationship will make u feel good about urself and make u a better person. If it doesn't, then its definitely not worth it. Cut it off without thinking too much.You will be spared a lot of torture.

10. Never expect anything in return. But never let anyone take u for granted.