Tequila Sunset

Happy Birthday Love!!!

2011-12-07T06:43:00.000-08:00

I always liked the tall, broad, wheatish types... Either that or the bespectacled , intelligent, tall types. I was never into the fair, cutiee,chocolate types. I have always seen my friends drooling over the chocolate boys, but they captured neither my interest nor attention. I swooned over naughty, mischeivous smile (the kallachiri, as I often call it) instead. And guys with a great sense of dressing (and can tell beige from brown), attractive and brisk body language and lotta energy. But I never thot that I would find that combination in one package. And then u walked into my life, and I was floored!!! Even though it was definitely not love at first sight for me, u managed to create a very positive first impression. But then I had a million nagging doubts in my heart. What if ur a pyscho? What if you are a playboy? What if ur a pathological flirt( that kallachiri didn't help ur case). What if ur a compulsive liar? (again ur kallachiri landed u in trouble). Slowly, but surely, the doubt and insecurities disappeared. After endless discussions, fights, tears and breakups (ahem! ahem!), we are here today!!! And I must say that ur unfaltering smile still makes my heart skip a beat!!! :):):)

During our first date, I was over-joyed to know that u are passionate about travelling, food and movies - three of my loves too!! As we plan and dream about all the wonderful holidays that we would take in future, I cannot stop beaming with such immense joy. And food.... I always wanted someone who enjoys food and loves experimenting. When we start talking about food, there is no stopping us. And its amazing that we enjoy the same kinda movies and keep quoting lines outta them :)... We love the same things, believe in the same things and share many interests. Iam so glad that you share my aesthetic taste too, so we don't have to fight over the colour of the curtain or the shape of the coffee table. I can easily trust you to buy me something and can rest assured that u will get back with something I like. I am thrilled when I go shopping with you. You enjoy shopping too (as much as a guy is legally allowed to enjoy :D) and do not mind going from shop to shop looking for the right stuff!

We have our differences too. My relationship with sports ends with just knowing how to spell it right. But you are not just an ardent fan, but u also thoroughly enjoy getting out into the field and sweating it out there. I can sniff some very passionate channel wars in future...As I often tell you, whenever a new gadget hits town, ur the first to know and am the last to know. Iam lazy and laidback. Ur high on energy. God! Its tough keeping pace with you... I sit up in awe and watch, as you neatly fold clothes and pack them into your suitcase. Me, on the other hand, belive in the "Curl and Throw" theory. I curl my clothes into a ball and throw them into the cupboard or suitcase. :P.. And am a whiner!!! I used to exude lotta negative energy, crib endlessly, wallow in self-pity, seek out melancholy and run to you for solace. But u didn't entertain it one bit and made it very clear that u cannot find solutions to my "unreal" problems. Your indifference did help me be a stronger person, even though it thoroughly shattered me initially!! That said, whenever I had "real problems" and was in "real need", u were alwaysss there for me :):):)... U exude lotta positive energy and always focus on the brighter things in life. And ur positivity has rubbed off on me. I feel that I have become a better person now.

Your are a perfect combination of all things awesome - You are such a fun person and share my brand of humour. I absolutely enjoy hanging out with you. You love all the fun things in life. Yet, I have never seen someone more responsible than you. I sometimes wonder how you keep track of so many things, follow up on them, organize things in the head, takes initiatives and manages everything so responsibly.... You are assertive and sticks to your word when it comes to matters of principles.. But when it comes to matters of heart, you are as tender as it can get... When u have made up ur mind, no amount of crying, coaxing, cajoling or cootchie cooing will work with you.. but u melt into mush when somone u love is hurt....I have heard a lot of girls complaining that the men in their lives are so unemotional. But am truly glad that u totally get my emotional side and even enjoy a bit of emotional conversation. Sometimes ur just a child being all silly, sometimes you are all so naughty and fun like a guy, at other times you take charge like a man and handle the situation so well....And I SOOO love that AGRESSIVE-GENTLE combination!!! You are an extrovert and can keep the conversation going forever, yet when I tell you smthg close to my heart, you listen raptly with genuine interest. You love adventure, excitement and taking risks, but that doesn't make you reckless. You are a sensible person who thinks things through, plays it safe and plans things in great detail... You are a realistic guy, with his feet firmly planted on the ground. But you are also the more romantic one in the relationship. You remember birthdays (not just mine, but everyone who matters to you), do cute lil romantic things, say all the right lines and get all moist-eyed when I say smthg mushy.

Something that really brought us together is our love for our respectives families. We both realise and understand that family is supreme, and that there are very few things that are more important than the families. We find so much pleasure in spending time with our family and absolutely treasure such moments of togetherness. I have been teased by friends many times when I chose my family over friends. But Iam absolutely sure that I have been right. We both are very clear that being in a relationship or getting married won't change our love for our families. Sure, priorities must and will change, but we do know that some relationships are forever.

Iam soooo happy that ur bonding well with my family, esply my Dad. Its nice when the two men in my life talk fondly about each other.(And now I have a feeling that u both have ur own secrets that u dnt share with me :O) The day u told me that my Dad is a nice person, is one of the happiest days of my life! I see a lot of him in you - the principles & values, the optimism, the undying spirit, sibling love, the responsibility, the protectiveness and caring. Yet, you two are poles apart. Dad is such a cynic and ur such a believer!! And am glad u have none of his cynicism. Dad fights when someone is unfair to him, but u smooth-talk ur way( unless fighting is the only remaining option).. Dad believes that Newyears, festivals and birthdays are just another days, where as u treat them as moments for celebrations... Iam glad :)

Iam so happy when I see you doting over ur nephew and niece in particular, and over kids in general. Iam sure that you will make an amazing Dad. I have an awesome Dad, and want my kids to have an awesome Dad too (mostly cuz their mom would be a lost case :D).

But of all the amazing qualities that you have, something that really defines you is ur heart of gold(I say this at the risk of sounding cliched). You are genuine to a fault and is an extremely loyal person. You make friends for life and stand by them thru thick and thin. (whether u keep in touch or not). I often tell you that ur truly blessed to have such life-long friendships. But smthg that I rarely tell you is that you really deserve such everlasting friendships cuz u have earnt them. You cannot see anyone hurt and you often go out of ur way to keep everyone around you happy. You protect the underdogs and go an extra mile to help a needy person. Once during our galavanting, when we bumped into two girls who were lost (two pretty bombshells, so no underdogs mind you, but still they were lost!), you tried your best to help them out (out of genuine humanitarian concern i believe). Though I had a bad headache the whole day (okay, I faked it cuz I was mighty pissed off with ye :D), I secretly admired you. You are honest to the core. Sure, u can think up lies on ur feet and cook up stories. But as u say, ur an open book and if people can read you, they will know you. But you have also taught me that its okay to lie if it saves someone a heartache. You never do something just cuz it is a cool thing to do, but you are individualistic enough to do things on ur own terms .

We both believed in the beauty of a stable and strong relationship. Our friends advised us to enjoy our life and to not waste our time by waiting for the right person who may never turn up. But am glad that we waited for each other and we didn't ruin the exclusivity of this special bond by giving pieces of ourselves to prior short-term flings or momentary pleasures. (Ofcorz, we have our own blasts from the past. But we knew where to draw the line).

You are truly a gem of a person. But that doesn't make you too much of a good boy or a bore. Lotta nice people I know are so boring... and lotta interesting people I know are.. well.. not so nice. They just have their own interests in mind, and just want to have fun. So I have often wondered if there would be someone who is nice AND interesting - someone who believes in the importance of family, but has ventured out of his comfort zone and travelled the world ... someone who is naughty, but nice.. ... someone who is fun, but sensible.. someone who is romantic, but realistic.. someone who is protective, yet enjoy being pampered... someone who is spontaneous, but also a planner.. someone who offers awesome company, but gives me space. someone who treats a woman like a lady, yet considers her a buddy... someone who is assertive, but tender... And my love, u are all this and more.....

I love it when ur matching wits with me ... the teasing and taunting ... the peppery romance... the great laughs... the friendship we share.... the long, serious conversation... the casual, mindless chatter... the back-to-back movies... the unending search when we can't find the exactt thing we want to eat... the joy when we discover it.. the endless cootchie cooing... the awesome cuddles... but what I like best is when u look at me dreamily with eyes full of innocence and love...That is when it hits me that "This sweetheart is MINE!!!".... MUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY!!!

Have a fantastic life... better said.. Have a fantabulous life with me!!! :P ;) :)

Turning 28!!!

2011-09-26T04:29:00.000-07:00

To be edited

I turned 28 coupla days back and somehow it feels good. I never expected this. As I said earlier, I was really upset when I turned 26, cuz I swept past the much-talked about 25! Because, 25 is seen as the cut-off year every where. Whenever you take part in surveys or fill up forms, they go like this...

below 18

18-25 years

26-35years

above 35

I felt great when I could check that column next to 18-25. I might be 24, but people could still think Iam only 18. Iam leaving the options open. If u go by the way I look, chances are that you wouldn't think like that. :D But if you go by the way I sometimes behave, then Yeah, very much Possible :D So I was really upset when I turned 26 and had to check that column next to 26-35. So someoe who reads it might think am 35? From 18 to 35 in one swoop!!! Thats so unfair!!!! Surely, being 26 and 35 is not the same thing. It never is. So you can imagine the disappointment I felt when I turned 26!! Add to it the fact that I was at a personal low, looked my worst and was under tremendous pressure of various kinds. When I turned 27, boy! I was heartbroken. Just a mere 3 years to turn 30! Turning 30 was never part of my plans. I mean.. really.. I never planned that far. I thought I will always be a kid...(honestly, I still feel like a kid on most days) and time would stand still or I would just magically disappear or some such thing... I can plan only 6 months forward... Anything beyond six mnths would go over my head... I live for the moment... Maybe, even cling on to the past fiercely, refusing to move on... But future was smthg I rarely thought of.. Ofcourze I pondered over philosophical questions, worried over inconsequential things, had mighty illusions of grandeur about my future, dreamt about being rich and famous et.al.. But I did all that cuz I really enjoy getting lost in an imaginary world. Not cuz I really believed in them. So yeah... 30 was smthg I never planned to be. But yayyyyy!! When I turned 28, it actually feels great. To begin with, 28 sounds really cool to me. Wayyy cooler than 27. 27 is like a wannabe... U have crossed 25. But u still want to be in that below 25 bracket. Wannabe!!! But 28 is in a league of its own! When u are 28, you have gotten over ur 25-fixation. It doesn't matter anymore. Its over. You have made peace with it. But hey.... Guess wot? 30 is still 2 solid years away!!! And thats great when you are surrounded by a lotta people who are in their 30s. And you stilll have ample time to rework on "things to do before I turn 30" list.... And am glad that I have taken some steps towards it. But that can wait. I really dont wanna publish my "things to do before I turn 30" list. I can do that when I do a post for my 30th birthday. That said, I have made few simple resolutions for this year. The ones that can be actually followed.

1. Don't buy books or movies DVDs unless I have finished reading/watching everything that I already have. Don't buy any book or movie DVD unless I really wanna read/watch it. Sometimes I buy them just cuz they are popular or they are must-reads or must-watch.

2. Argue less. Ok, I have grown wise. Arguing is pointless. Arguing is a waste of energy and time. And at the end of the day, if u cannot get the point across to the other person, u feel frustarted. So now I have learnt to silently listen to watever the other person has to say and just move on. As long as I know am right, Iam fine.

3. Lie a little. This might come as a surprise. But now I understood the importance of lying. I can sometimes be too honest, too open and too frank. But its clearly not doing anyone any good. If harmless lies can protect someone from getting hurt, save relationships and make every one happy, so be it.

4.Better Living - Get my sleeping pattern on track, Walk daily, drink loads of water, practice yoga, eat healthy, deaddict from watever am addicted to, read more, pray more.

5. Expect Less - From family, from friends, from love, from life, from God! This is the toughest, i tell ye.

6. Save more - Don't spend on things that are not absolutely necessary. Save up on the lil things for bigger things. Walk the shorter distances. Take the bus instead of the rickshaw. Take the rickshaw instead of the cab. Travel non AC, instead of the AC. Drink cappucino instead of Cold coffee with whipped cream and choco sauce. Buy one pair of shoes instead of 3. Saving up on lil things will add up.

7. Nurture Relationships - Forgive. Its liberating!! Keep in touch with those who are important. Remember birthdays - This might not seem very important. But I forgot to wish two of my friends whom I call up on an every-day basis. And they both religiously wished me on my birthday. So am going to sign up into some birthday reminder stuff .

8. Be sure of who I want in my life - If smone doesn't make me feel good, then just cut them off from life. They are really not worth it. There are people whom I care a lot about, but they dnt give two hoots about me. Then there are people who make it look like their life is so awesome, and talk non-stop about it. I know that people usually do this because they have low self-esteem. They really need to 'prove' that they are having a great life. Then there are people who crib about everything in life. Venting out once in a while is human. But cribbing about every lil thing and making a mountain out of them? So very uncool. Thenthere are those who repeatedly say how much they are adored by their friends, colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances, dogs on the streets etc. This is really funny when the person who says is not all that lovable. So if someone makes me feel good and exudes positivity, then they are with me.

9. Try something new every now and them - Simple things like cooking a new dish, trying a new hair cut, applying a new shade of nail paint or lip colour, checking out a new restaurant, taking a different route. Or bigger things like learning a new language, a new musical instrument etc. It doesn't matter even if I dnt stick to it long term. Just the pleasures of learning something new is great. In short, be experimental.

10. And even if I manage to do nothing from the list, not to be too hard on myself.. and lourvvve myself!!!!!

The Loves of my life....

2011-06-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Iam sometimes such an easy person to please... Ofcorz. there are days when am cranky and grumpy... and I can be such a fussy and hard to please person... but these are some of the simple pleasures of life that I enjoy...

- Staying up late into the night : Iam a nocturnal. PERIOD. I come alive it night. I work better at night, I write better at night, Iam more fun @ night iam a better person at night.. Iam simply a night person. Mornings are meant for idling around. I take time to come out of my zombie state in the morning. Iam low on energy, prefer not to make much conversation and carry on like that. But come night, and I want to go out with friends, i want to catch a movie, want to go for long drives, want to sitay up and read a book, write my heart out , listen to my fav things, make long fone calls. can do all of these in the morning too. But they attain a completely different meaning at night.

-Sleeping late into the morning : This is partly because of the point mentioned above, but not limited to it. I love cuddling up under layers of blanket. And I love that feeling of waking up in the morning and being glad that I have few more precious minutes to catch up on my sleep. That feeling of slipping into sleep is awesome!!!

- Chocolate cakes - Digging into rich, creamy, gooey chocolate cake. Yummm! Divine! I can't think of another word for it.

- Words - I love beautifully expressed words. Doesn't matter whether they are my own creation, said by someone known to me, sent in a mail by a friend, read in a book, heard in a movie, lyrics of a song, or directions to use on a face wash brand (yep, I read them too. not once, around 2-3 times). So yeah, I love words and they can move me like nothing else.

- Laughter - If u are my friend, sense of humour is a must. Though Iam generally a thinking person (doesn't matter what I think about), I love humour. And the wilder, the humour.I need my daily dose of laughter to keep me sane. I enjoy the company of people with sense of humour. And my company is such a booster for them too, as I genuinely appreciate their humour. A joke cracked by a friend can light up my day. I can laugh at a totally dumb joke, but can appreciate an intelligent joke as much. Sarcasm is my thing. And I totally enjoy wicked humour too. Iam a feminist, but am almost always the first one to laugh at a sexist joke. Cuz I can take a joke, even if its at my own expense.

- Novelty : Iam a creature off habit. And I hate tp get out of my comfort zone. But I still love the rush that novelty gives. Moving into a new city, meeting new people, making new friends, trying out a new cuisine, learning a new language or conecpt, everything excites me. Routine and familiarty bores me.

Shopping - It is fun and therapeutic. I love all its varieties. I love walking into a posh mall all alone, checking out everything they have and coming out without buying anything, but beaming with hapiness and feeling good. I just emjoy being in the midst of all those goodies. I love going to a street-side shop with friends, bargaining with all my might and grabbing some really good deals, again beaming with pride over my bargaining skills (which needs some serious brushing). I enjoy going to a shop that ( I can actually afford or a bit more expensive than that) and buying tons of stuff for myself and pampering myself. Retail therapy. I enjoying accompanying friends on their shopping sprees, advising them on what looks good on them (that is, if they ask for my help), running around the place and getting them stuff while they preen in front of mirrors in the trial rooms, I enjoy all of this. I get as much pleasure in picking up a coffee mug as i get while buy myself a new outfit. Clothes, shoes, bags, accessories, cosmetics, toiletries, crockery, cutlery, stationary and the likes.... I love shopping for all that.

Looking back... at the year that went by....

2010-09-22T01:49:00.000-07:00

New Year is a few months away. But i turn a year older in a couple of days. Nothing is going to change drastically in a few days that lead to my birthday, but a lot has changed in the past one year. I have made peace with myself, learnt a few realities, gladly accepted the things that I cannot change, and I evolved into a more secure person. But the most important change in me is that I started being grateful for a lot of things I have in life. And when I started counting my blessings, I realised that there are a lot of things to be grateful for.

Last year has been a roller coaster ride for me. There were some ups and downs. There were some very exciting, exhilarating, and even intoxicating highs, but there were also some depressing lows and I hit rock bottom. The year didn't begin very well. There were moments of deep pain when I felt that someone was stabbing me deep with a sharp knife and my heart was cut into million little pieces. And I felt that these pieces of my heart will never be together as one. Each time I made an effort to move, smile or talk, one of this piece would cut me through. I thought I would never be able to laugh heartily again. Forget about laughing, I thought I would never be able to smile again, without feeling something pricking me from inside. My world had come crashing down and I couldn't pull myself together. And on top of that I lost a friend (or rather we mutually decided to lose each other) who I thought I would never lose in life. One after other, things went from bad to worse. I went to bed with a heavy heart, cried myself to sleep, smtimes stayed up till early morning pouring my heart out into my diary, waking up feeling empty and with swollen eyes, wanting to be held and comforted with reassuring words, but found myself lonely. But I emerged out of it, as a healthier and happier person. And yeah, I count my blessings now, more often than ever. So I'm going to list down the positive things that happened in my life for the past one year.

* I made a really really close friend. Someone who completely understands me, cares for me and someone to whom I can talk about anything in the world. Once I got to know her better , I realised that we have a lot more in common than I thought. She has become a sort of an emotional partner for me. She is a really genuine and thoughtful person and I love her for what she is.

* My relationship with my mom has become great now.

* Someone with whom I had parted in bitter terms is back in my life now. All the bitterness have been resolved. Now when I look back, there is no sorrow or anger, just fondness.

* A wound that has been hurting me a lot has finally healed. And now I can finally laugh heartily.

* There was some one who inspired and impressed me a lot. She is the sweetest person I have ever met in my life. She is genuine and real, shares my wavelength, has a sweet sense of humour, is great to talk to, has got a lot of class, loves words and is absolutely a pleasure to be with. We had lost touch for so many years and finally we are in touch again.

* I thought that distance will kill some friendships, but it didn't. Infact, some friendships became stronger than before.

* I had always wanted to learn few foreign languages and take some piano classes. And I could finally do that this year. I took up French and cleared my DELF examinations. My piano classes are going on well, though sometimes it can really drive me crazy. I know how the fingers of my right hand should move. I know how the fingers of my left hand should move. But when I move both my hands together, it is total chaos. But with little bit practice, I want to really master it. And now I feel I actually can.

* Work looks good right now. And i'm getting a chance to do smthg that I always alwayss always wanted to do. I'm excited, and at the same time, a little nervous too.

* I have made new contacts and my social life is better now.

* I have finally started working on my book and it is progressing well.

*I wondered if I should write this last one. But I thought anyways, there aren't too many people who read this blog now. Besides, when I look back, its only going to make me happier. I wanted to do my bit for the society. Finally, I joined an NGO and is now teaching underprivileged kids.

So thats how the last year was. Things are looking really bright and 'm happy now. I have a few more things to work on. And I'm doing that at a steady pace. Hope that the good run continues........

Yours Happily

Drops.....

2010-09-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

That little drop of morning dew on the leaf

reminds me of the last night rain....

That little drop of ink bloated on paper

reminds me of my walk in the rain....

That little drop of tear on ur cheek

reminds me of the sorrow u hold in.....

That little drop of blood on a forgotten wound

reminds me that some wounds never heal....

Whats Uuuup?

2010-09-09T04:41:00.000-07:00

Whats up? Absolutely nothing.! Yes, Thats how it is. Nothing exciting, interesting or eventful is happening right now. But I'm deliriously happy. Yes, I really am. There has never been a phase in my life where I have known such peace.

*Gratitude - I'm more and more aware of how truly blessed I'm. I was always a cribber. I used to crib and whine endlessly about what I din't have in life. I always compared myself with people who were doing better than me in life. But today, I'm really really grateful for what I have . Why on earth did I not count my blessings before? I don't know why it took me so long to understand the obvious. But this realization has changed my life for the better. I started looking at things from a new perspective. I need to thank a friend for this, who despite my total negativity, urged me to look at the brighter side always. Each time I was falling into a mess, he talked me out of it and infused in me a positive energy. Though I resisted it fiercely, I lapped up some and voila! I'm a new person now!

*Prayers - I discovered the power of prayers. I have always been a cynic. But I also maintained that the day I feel its power, I will openly announce it. And here I'm doing it. I still don't know how prayers work. I still don't know what is God or if there is even a God! Is God listening to ur prayers and granting ur wishes? Or is the positive energy u sent out (in the form of prayers) to the Universe, returned to u in the same amount? Or is God just the Energy sustained in the Universe.?I don't have the answers to all these. Yet, I gotta say that prayers have brought about a lot of changes in my life and I'm glad that it happened!

*Parents - I realised that my parents are indeed the besssstttt. And I don't say this cuz they are my parents. Anyone who has known them have been inspired by them. They are two of the most sacrificial people. In a world where people are plotting against each other to get ahead in life, these are two people who are willing to stand back, so that someone else can get ahead! But they also know when to fight when justice is not meted out. And I feel that having them as my parents make up for lack of almost everything else in my life. Every sorrow, every failure, every disappointment become trivial when I remind myself that I have 'Them' as my parents. How many people have that kind of luck?

* Love those who love me - I don't usually love people for what they give me. I love people for who they are. I love them for the qualities in them, not for the affection they bestow on me (tho it matters, its definitely not a deal-breaker). I'm not bothered about what I get from a relationship. But I'm bothered about what kind of people I'm associated with. As long as I approve of their character, I'm going to love them. On the other side, I don't always appreciate people who love me. I might totally ignore them if they don't fit my description of a "good person". Yeah, I'm crazy that way. But these days, I'm sending out love in all the right directions. I'm giving it out only to sources which sent it to my end. And I also try to make sure that I sent it out to every source( ermm... every source that is not creepy I mean) that sends love my way. So net result - Love doesn't get wasted. I don't end up loving people who don't give two hoots about me. And I also don't waste the love that is being bestowed on me. It is accepted gratefully and sent out in equal, if not more, measure.

* Detached-Attachment - I'm normally always a little detached. I don't really put my heart into anyone. But on those rare occasions, when I do get attached, I put the whole of my heart in there. Ahhh! And it breaks. At the most unexpected, inopportune moment, it breaks. So I decided that "detached-attachment" is the way to go. One of my friends recommended this strategy and I was mad at him. I thot he was a superficial moron. But then I decided to give it a thought. Even though I felt that smthg is not right about it, I gave it a try. And once I made that a way of life, I realised that it was a smart move. So now, I share my joys with others, but I have learnt to celebrate on my own. Occassionally, I lean on a shoulder to cry on, but I have learnt to hold in my sorrows, and be my own sounding board. I listen to others' grievances and problems, and even help them when I can, but I have learnt not to worry too much over them and consider them as MY problem. So yeah, I realised its not necessary to make others the centre of my world, I don't have to always worry whether I'm hurting others, and most importantly, I don't have to give the whole of my heart to others, a small piece would be just fine. After all, I'm such a wonderful person (let modesty go to the dogs), not everyone deserves the whole heart! wink ;) wink ;)

So, U get a five!!!

2010-08-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

These are 5 random things about me :-

1. I get completely sentimental over food and sleep. Having to actually skip a meal or lack of sleep doesn't bother me much as such. But the mere thought of it makes me sentimental. I go "Ohhhh! my poor girl is starving and sleep-deprived".

2. When I was a little kid, I always wanted to be famous. And most of the time I wanted to become a famous actress. In my imagination, I was that actress with a huge fan following (ahem! ahem!) , who won lots of critical acclaim and ended up with all the awards. Jealous, are n't u?

3. When I grew up a little, I altered my dreams. I understood the stigma associated with being an actress, and altered my dream accordingly. Next in line was a television journalist as famous as Burkha Dutt. (Ye, I dream big). And I think for a good part of my life I used to actually believe that I would be one. I remember this incident when I was having a discussion with one of my seniors and she told me that TV journalists don't get paid well. That is when I told her that Burkha Dutt was paid well. Yep, I not only dreamt big, I did believe in my dreams as well.

4. When I was a lil kid, I used to filck toffies from the teacher's table. And boy! Was I good at that or what? If I had continued, by now I would have become a full blown criminal. (I don't know how it was in other schools. In our school, the kid with the birthday would distribute the toffies in the class he/she belonged to, and go on to distribute it to all the teachers in the school. So the teachers got a lot of toffies, almost every day.)

5. When I was 14, I wanted to marry cricketer Ajay Jadeja. He was quite a star then. And I had even made a "fool proof" plan to meet him. He hails from Haryana and so I made a plan to get to Haryana first. I thought and still think BITS Pilani is @ Haryana (my sis says it is @ Rajasthan, not sure), so I wanted to get an admission into BITS. And that was the single motivation for me to study hard. And once I got to Haryana, things would take its natural course ofcourse. I just had to go and watch one of his matches, and naturally he would spot me in the crowd and fall in love with me instantly.. Lol!

Words are few.....

2010-08-11T04:47:00.000-07:00

A lot is happening, yet my words fail me....

I can't think of a title for this...

2010-07-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a title for this one....Met up some old friends after a while. I cannot really define what the feeling was like. But at the end of it all, when I returned home, I felt quite heavy in the heart.

Relationships are always complicated. And I'm both good at them, and bad too. But, it is definitely one of my pet subjects. I love my solitude (which is very different from loneliness though). And I have a world exclusive to my own, which I guard closely. I treasure that world, and I don't want to give that up for anything in the world. In my world, I'm secure, I'm strong and I'm totally at peace. But I love people too. I love being with them, I enjoy their company, I love connecting with them on some level. It can be a total fun and casual relationship with no emotions attached, it can be a relationship based on shared interests or a shared history and may never go beyond that, or it can be something on a much deeper and emotional level. But whatever the nature of my relationships with them, I value them. I truly cherish them. And with people, all my security, confidence and strength is gone. And I get become vulnerable, emotional and insecure.

I cannot say who is more important to me. Because, each has a special place of their own. And each is irreplaceable. I honestly believe in that. Each person is different, hence the dynamics of each relationship is different. When I see that super boring (to the world), intellectual kinda arty movie that kinda struck a chord with me, I need to discuss it with someone. We may end up dissecting the movie scene by scene, applaud or criticise a particular dialogue and get into the skin of the character and try to feel what they felt. Now when I check out a new boutique that I particularly liked, or bought something new, I need to discuss it with someone who agrees with my sense of style. And there are times something funny catches my attention or there is a witty remark playing in my head, and then I immediately want to share it with someone who gets my brand of humour. Sometimes I need the company of people who share my enthusiasm for life. But at other times, I need people who can totally get my blues . There are times when I get disconnected from everything and get philosphical. So I really don't know who is more important to me. As I said, each has a special place. And if I have bothered to spend time with you and make a connection with you, u mean something to me. And you will be in my thoughts.

Full Of Goodness.....

2010-06-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

Some people are so full of goodness that you cannot help, but love them. One such person is George Philip Sir, fondly called as G.P. Sir. He is a Physics professor at one of the colleges in Cochin and takes tuitions for the 11th and 12th students. While in school, I used to attend his tuition classes. He is undoubtedly a remarkable person. He is so full of goodness that as soon as I talk to him, I can feel the goodness flowing to me. His classes were quite popular among the students, and I always used to look forward to them. He made learning Physics quite entertaining. I remember how effortlessly he explained the functioning of machinery using everyday examples, like, how a mom and child wait at the bus stop and the child tries to run across, but the mom has got the child's hand firmly in hers. Such examples made it impossible to forget what we learnt. But more than his ability to teach, I adored the human being that he is. I don't remember a single time when he lost his temper. He would politely call out to the student who decides to chat up and say "Felixeee (that was his fav student in our batch) edakyyu ingottum koodi nokkane"... which means "Felix, do look this side once in a while". And when it was time to pay up our fees, he would reluctantly write it on the white board (never say it orally) and immediately rub it off. I guess he was too embarrased to talk about money. And he always seemed like a very simple person, full of goodness in him.

Years passed.... Priorities changed... I don't go for tuitions anymore. I used to think about G.P sir once in a while and was always filled with a sense of happiness. And today, I saw him unexpectedly at the college where he is teaching. And guess wot, I was overwhelmed with emotions. He was still full of goodness and I could feel that goodness suddenly flowing into me. And albeit for a moment, I was so full of goodness.....

Treasures

2010-04-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

It was Harthal today and I had no choice but to stay indoors. Add to it a bad cough and the sluggish feeling after a long journey, I had to find something interesting to do. That is when I thought I should take a trip down the memory lane and take a look at all the old photographs. I knew it was all stacked in one suitcase and pushed under the cot. But so were many other suitcases. With my maid’s help, I dug out the said suitcase which was covered in dust, dusted it out and voila! I found such treasures.

I found my parents wedding album. My dad looked like a lost sailor. And my mom had an (un) – sexy pout. In every pic. She just wouldn’t smile. And it is not because she was sad. She definitely loved and still loves my Dad. And it is not even remotely because she thought it was sexy. Probably she was wearing lipstick for the first time and was self-conscious or scared that it would smudge. Or she was too weighed down by the attention she was getting and could barely smile. There were also black and white pics of my mom and her pretty friends in elegant sarees.

There were pics of the newborn me cuddled on my mom’s and granny’s laps. There was a pic where my then neighbour was trying to hug me. And the one-year-old me was clearly too big for her eight-year-old- arms. And there were loads of pics of mine where I looked pretty and plump in a pink dress. I was barely two, seated on a cane chair and was showing histrinonics. I was a drama queen even back then. One look at those pics and I knew that I was much loved, much adored, well-fed and taken good care of. I was the first grandchild in my mom’s family and back then I was the only one to bestow and lavish everyone’s affections on. I was the joy of their lives.

I saw pics of my Kindergarden days, always fighting for my parents attention after my sis was born. I completely doted on my younger sis though. The Ooty pic in a sleeveless brown and black striped dress where I put my arm around my sis is my mom’s favorite. I’m sulking in a couple of photographs because I din’t get to sit on my mom’s lap or so. And when all kids got their chocolates or horlicks, I was always the last one to get them. I would look expectantly waiting for my turn. And that Ooty pic again where my sis and my cousin each had a balloon in their hands. I so badly wanted one, but I decided to act all matured (fearing that Dad would scold me) and just smiled holding my sister’s hand. My mom looked very pretty in those pics – large eyes, long, black hair, big bindi – typical 80’s look that I so adore.

I saw my kindergarten class photo where I was wearing a frown, seated on the third row. And another girl D was sitting on the floor in the first row. I remember that I hated her. I don’t know why. Maybe because she had shaved her head or she always sucked her thumb. During those days mom and dad dropped us off at my granny’s place often. And our aunt used to tell us stories and make balls out of rice, dip it in curry and feed us. The stories were told to distract us from the curries we didn’t like and focused on the stories instead. The stories were mostly of me, my sis and our cousins driving off to forests and having many interesting adventures there. If my aunt had been a writer, she would have been the next Enid Blyton. And all her stories ended with D getting lost in the forest or being eaten up by a Tiger. Gee!

There was a sixth grade pic of mine with my class. I was the plumpest of the lot, but I think I looked cute in it. If only someone had told me that back then, I wouldn’t have cried buckets when somebody made fun of me. And I saw pics of me, my sis and my cousin as gawky teenagers. I had starved myself and lost loads of weight and looked dark and ugly. This is not to say that dark is ugly, but I looked horrible. Seriously. And then people were quick to point out that I looked so famished when I lost weight and I looked better when I was plump. What an unfair world it is! And there were pics of mine and my sis’ when we just hated each other. When ever a pic was taken, we made sure we stood 3 metres away from each other. And I remember how my aunt always told us to stand closer, put our arms around each other and show some love. How I hated them!

Then there were college pics, mostly of our Goa trip. I was always the fairest child in the family, but I did look darker than the other girls. Not that it mattered to me. There were other things that bothered me. I was clearly left alone in the gang of girls who put too much emphasis on phonetically correct English, relatives who lived abroad, fashion, good looks and lipstick. Not all were the same. I repeat, not all were the same. There were some really nice, genuine people as well. But I just din’t fit in. And then there were pics of my Chennai college days. I was probably the quietest among the crazy lot and the pics clearly showed that. To this day, I totally regret my five years of college. The choice of colleges and courses were mostly mine. And that is why I regret them too. I hated my school as well. But back then I didn’t have a choice. I had a choice with colleges. I did learn a lot of things, had fun, had both pleasant and unpleasant experiences. But I just din’t fit in there. Sigh!

Looks like my old memories made me more sad than happy. So then why are they called the Treasures. They are called thus, because I’m a sentimental person and attaches a lot of importance to even the unimportant sentiments. And it is these experiences which really made me who I’m.

Life Lessons Learnt

2010-04-16T08:31:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life teaches u lessons that u never learn in school. These are what I learnt : -

1. Life is unfair. BUT, there is a balancing force in the Universe which evens out everything in life. You will realise its presence only when you pay attention. You may get away with murder, but later get framed when u are not guilty. You may cheat ur way thru exams, but then fail for another one even though u had slogged. You may butter ur boss and be his favourite, but lose out on a promotion which is rightfully urs. You may cheat on ur spouse, but badly get ur heartbroken. You may lose out on smthg which u deserve, but u will get smthg better when u least expect it. So yes, eventually everything will even out.

2. Genuine people are hard to find. If u have them in ur life, never lose them.

3. Don't go by someone's words alone. Even though words are important, know that their actions are more important.

4. Love the ones who love u, even though they don't meet your standards. There won't be too many anyways.

5. Do what u think is right, even if the world tells u that they are wrong. The world will secretly admire ur convictions and strength.

6. There will be times when u feel that honesty and sincerity have no place in the world. Don't get disheartened. Just stick on. Your time will come.

7. With patience , perseverance and planning, u can achieve almost everything.

8. Even if u wear a mask, what u have in mind will be out for the world to see. Both purity of heart and lack of it cannot go unnoticed for long.

9. Any worthy relationship will make u feel good about urself and make u a better person. If it doesn't, then its definitely not worth it. Cut it off without thinking too much.You will be spared a lot of torture.

10. Never expect anything in return. But never let anyone take u for granted.

How about some French?

2010-04-06T03:23:00.000-07:00

Finally, after years of toying with the idea of learning French , I joined Alliance Francais for my French Class. It feels great to be a student again. I'm soo out of touch with sitting in class for a coupla hours, listening to lectures, taking down notes and doing homeworks. Yet, m enjoying every bit of it. The French guy who takes the class is cute and funny, the classes are interesting and interactive, the students are friendly and the language is beautiful. I just love going to the class, being a student, learning something new, goofing up when questioned etc. To begin with, the spellings and pronounciation never go together. Though French alphabets are the same as English, pronounciation and grammar vary a lot. But not an issue, I'm determined to learn the language. And someday, I hope to write a full post in French.

Au revoir

Project HAPPINESS

2010-03-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

I have terrible mood swings. Thats just the way Iam. I get bitten by the blues every now and then. And the best way to not get caught unawares is to be prepared. And this is what I do...

1. Buy loads of movie DVDs (preferably the feel-good variety) and add to ur collection. So when ever I'm not feeling great, I catch a good movie.

2. Keep a collection of Feminas, Marie Claires, Cosmpolitans or Forbes. They are like instant happiness boosters. Sometimes a mere look at the latest trends in fashion will work wonders for me. If u are a voracious reader, u can buy books too. But books rarely do the trick for me. I need some warm up time ( which is unusually long, but depends on the book) to really get involved in the book.

3. Stock up on goodies in the refrigerator. The richer and the creamier the better. But m really trying not to do this.

4. Cut off people who don't make me feel good. They might be insensitive morons who make rude remarks... rich buggers whose talk on all things sophisticated make me realise how poor I'm... intimidating rascals who make u feel inferior, and smtimes rightly so... cribbers who crib about every damn thing on earth and drag me into their web of pessimism and negative thoughts... gossip mongers who gossip or bitch all the time and lure me into doing the same thing (yes, I'm weak-willed smtimes).... clingy people who give me no space and keep demanding one thing or the other... nags to whom I have to give explanations all the time, yet they never understand.... They may not be intentionally out to harm me. But if sharing space or thoughts with someone makes me feel any less happy, I cut them off. The list may be long, But I prefer it this way.

5. Interact more with happy, fun loving people. And happiness is definitely infectious.

6. Spend more time with my kiddo cousin. Their toothless smile, baby talk, little mischief and unexpected cuddles are pure joy.

7. Keep learning something new from time to time.

8. Pray

I'm loving it!!!!

2010-03-25T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm loving life right now! I'm the kind of person who gets totally kicked by the simplest of pleasures and gets totally upset by the smallest of disasters. But right now, I'm totally on top of the world. I'm truly happy. Some of the reasons are very personal, so I wouldn't disclose it. But here are the less personal ones. I may be a little mysterious here. But thats all I can reveal now...

One, I'm more sure of myself. I never thought this will happen to me. This doesn't mean that I won't be unsure tomorrow or the day after. But right now, I'm completely secure and totally @ peace. I think I even know .. hold ur breath... what I want in life. I have a vague idea atleast.

Two, I'm comfortable with myself. Now, I think its okay to be boring at times (which is like most of the time) and I don't have to try and entertain others all the time. I was always bogged down by the pressure to entertain. I lifted that pressure off me. Silence is no more awkward. I learnt that art of communicating through silence. I always loved the little details. Now I'm okay with saying whats just necessary. I don't really want to ruin what silence can achieve.

Three, I realised that people like me more than I thought they did. And does it feel good or wot? I have always thought I had major character flaws (I come across as intimidating, snobbish etc) on the exterior atleast, and it was difficult for people to see that I wasn't all bad. But looks like I was wrong.

Four, Friends have been really supportive and good. Some broken friendships which I thought can never be fixed have been fixed, some demanding friendships which I thought I can never let go has been left behind, made some deep friendships with genuine like-minded people, realised that some friends will always love me... It has been awesome!!!

Five, I'm not bored. Though I know to cook only a handful of things 'm pretty confident in the kitchen. I'm enjoying my piano classes and thats offering me enough entertainment. I discovered "Two and a half men" - a sitcom in Star World. I always knew it existed, but got to catch it only now and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

Six, I'm praying more and feels it works. Those of u know me, know that I was an agnostic. But now I have changed and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have always maintained that the moment I get an inner call, i will embrace it. But I will do it only in my own terms. No amount of forcing, cajoling or coaxing will work with me. And here, I got my inner call, though a faint one, and I'm opening myself to it. That doesn't mean that I don't have any doubts. I sure have them in plenty. That doesn't mean that I will accept and do everything people do. It just means that I have woken upto the possibility of a God. And it sure is very reassuring! :)

And thanks a lot to all u people who have stuck by me during tough times... yes, YOU, YOU and YOU.... You know who u are.... Thanks a lot... Love u all....

Happy Day!

2010-03-24T05:49:00.000-07:00

Today is a Happy Happy Happy day for me!!!!!!!!!

Phew!!!!

2010-03-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

I sooo wish I could take charge of my life and make things Happen. But I'm such a laid-back person that I always sit around and wait for things to happen on their own. But things rarely work out like that in life. But I just don't have the drive and the will power to take matters into my hand. Finally when I manage to talk myself into doing something, I fail at it miserably. I just don't trust myself to do anything properly. I'm such a loser!!!! I take two steps forward and take four steps backward. I just cannot seem to do anything right. I decide on doing something and focus hard, but then all those crazy thoughts playing in my head weigh me down. It takes away all hopes from me. I'm tired of this battle. I'm really tired of it.

RECEIVE...

2010-03-18T22:01:00.001-07:00

Facebook has an application called God's message which I check regularly. Now I don't think it is God's message directly, cuz facebook is no saint. But the messages are all positive and make me feel good. So I check them regularly. This is what I got recently and I think I need to give it some serious thought...

On this day, God wants you to know...

... that it's okay to receive. Have you been the giver for so long that you have forgotten how to receive? Allow others to give you some of the love that you give so freely. Seek a balance between your giving and your receiving.

I do think I have a problem receiving just about anything - love, time, money, concern, attention or even a tiny favour. I don't claim to be too much of a giver either. But I'm definitely more comfortable giving than receiving. I wonder why is it so. A part of the problem lies with the whole trouble of ASKING.However close a relationship is, I'm often uncomfortable asking for smthg. One of the reasons is the fear of rejection. What if they say No? That is definitely gong to hurt my feelings. If not, it will atleast make me feel a bit awkward. What if they say Yes without really wanting to. That is going to be worse. I hate to be a burden or a nuisance to anyone. So either ways, it is going to be tough. I think it is much easier when someone volunteers to help me. But even then smthg inside me resists it fiercely. I'm just not comfortable with receiving anything. And I think it is because I feel I don't deserve anything - a feeling of unworth. I guess I need to really learn to Receive!!!

Right Now.....

2010-03-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

1. I'm hit by the "bye-bye blues". I just don't like anyone leaving or me leaving anyone behind. Each time I have to do that, smthg in me hurt. And then I think of more such moments awaiting me.

2. Last two days were wonderful with loads of shopping/ window shopping, watching movies and conversations. I already miss them.

3. I wonder If I would always remember the people who are important to me right now. Would I forget them when life gets busier? Would I feel the same closeness that I share today? Would they even remember me? I will see less of the people I want to see everyday. I may even talk or mail less. Today, it breaks me to think that someday things might change. But when that 'someday' comes, all this won't matter.

4. I don't want to grow up. ( I mean grow old. I'm already grown up). I don't want things to change. I don't want to move on.

5. I gave an interview today and it went off decently well. But there were some unexpected surprises.

6. I have been trying hard and hoping so much for smthg and praying for it as well. And when things seemed smooth, I had to ruin it again. Why? Why? Why? Why am I so weak-willed?

7. I soo sooo sooooo want to belong!!!!!

Always...

2010-03-17T21:21:00.001-07:00

I will always be beside you

until the very end,

wiping all the tears away

being ur best friend.

I will smile when u smile

and feel all the pain u do,

If u cry a single tear

I promise I will cry too

- Courtesy Internet

Life' s still good...

2010-03-13T00:56:00.000-08:00

Previous post was a depressing one. But it was one of those days where everything was going wrong. But things are rosy and cheery once again. Thanks to all u guys who wrote in. It meant a lot to me.

I have an ever-expanding list of 'things to do', things to learn and 'things to change about myself'. I'm glad that finally I'm able to tackle them one by one, slowly yet steadily.

1. I'm finally out of a depression that I have been fighting for months. Though I sulk once in a while (that is allowed), I'm generally happy. Like they say, "if it doesn't kill u, it makes u stronger". And it definitely has made me stronger. I learnt very important lessons and now I feel I needed that bad phase. I'm glad I emerged out of it! Congratulations to me.

2. I have been thinking of a life style change for a long while. I know that I'm capable of so much more ( let modesty go to the dogs), but I'm not doing smthg right. To begin with, my time management sucks! But now I'm glad that I have brought about a life style change - daily walks, eating healthy, drinking loads of water, sleeping on time, reading more, thinking positively, controlling my urge to control everything, controlling my temper and praying. And it does feel very very good.

3. My relationship with my mom is improving. My mom has always been a great woman, a devoted wife and a doting mother. But like every daughter and mom, we had our occassional differences. And things became unbearable during those tumultous teenage years. That is the time when a girl needs her mom most. And I felt she was never around. I still hold it against her.

The fact that she holds a highly responsible job, is fiercely ambitious, has a lotta younger siblings emotionally and otherwise dependent on her and has a wide network of friends, added to the problem. I felt that she had time for everyone else and everything else in the world, but me. I was always mad @ her that she never tried to fix things. I know that she loves me a lot, but our relationship was never the way I wanted it to be. So finally I thought that instead of expecting her to take an initiative, I should take things into my hands. I felt that I should appreciate her more and criticise her less. And finally things have become so much better.

4 I have turned into a decent cook. I still need to check recipes to cook an okay-ish dish. Thanks to online recipes, mom and helpful aunts, I'm managing quite well. I have a long way to go. But I was someone who entered the kitchen to just make lime juice ( not even tea unless on those rare ocassions) or STIR ( Yeah, I love stirring. I feel very important when I do that. Lol!) There were times when I have tried making a 'thoran' or a 'mezhukkupuratti' or 'chappathis', but the results were disastrous. And about chopping veggies? Don't even get there. Even the apples and pears that I chop don't come out neat and uniform. But I din't lose hope. I was told that I may have 'kaipunyam" cuz my great grandmom, grandmom and mom are great cooks and I would have inherited their skills. And guess wot, my great grandmom is the eldest daughter of her parents, my grandmom is the eldest daughter of my great grandmom, my mom is the eldest daughter of my grandmom and I'm the eldest daughter of my mom. I don't know what I'm trying to say here. But i do find this a bit amusing. Guess wot, I have always been told that girls should learn to cook cuz eventually they are going to someone else's house to cook for some one else. The feminist in me totally detested this. The whole idea of me learning to cook so that a total stranger and his family can be fed was just beyond me. I just couldn't picture myself slaving in the kitchen while totally unrelated people feast .I did everything to make sure that I don't learn cooking. I thought cooking was a very uncool thing to do. I know I know, I was naive to think such thoughts. But if only my grandmom had told me that cooking is a life saving skill and will only make me more independent, I would have been truly fascinated. So from that girl who yelled at anyone who mocked at me for not knowing cooking, I have come a long way.

5. I have started my piano classes and I'm completely enjoying it. Though I can't sing, I have always been very musically-inclined (who is not?). I consider myself a rhythmic person ( whatever that means, I just like the idea) and I can be completely moved by a certain song and listen to it for hours on end and not get bored. So I thought I should be able to create music for my own amusement. And from there began my desire to learn musical instruments. So someday I want to be able to play the Piano, Guitar, Violin and Jazz..someday.. and I guess Piano is a great start. I'm glad that finally I found the time, (a nearby) place and the inclination to go for it. Well... I have just attended 3 classes and right now I'm just training my fingers. It began with the finger exercises . I need to make my fingers more nimble. Right now, when I press my pinky finger, the ring finger doesn't stay still. But somehow I'm already lovinggg it.

6. I'm finally getting a chance to learn French. I have been wanting to learn French for the past 7 years but things never worked out. I have made numerous calls to Alliance Francaise , always telling them that I will join the next time. I even joined it once but could attend only few classes because of my hectic work schedule. But this time things look brighter and I'm more determined. And the best part is that I'm getting a 50% reduction on the course. The course which originally costs Rs 5000/- is now available at Rs 2500/-. What a beautiful deal!!! I also want to learn German, Italian, Spanish, Korean, Japanese and Bengali someday...

Thats it for now... I thought I owe myself a good post...

Medley...

2010-03-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

Lot of thoughts crossing my mind... I'm not in a mood to write multiple posts, so squeezing them all into one...

1. I'm extremely lazy these days. I wake up and lie on my bed for another two hours. Then after I climb down the stairs I refuse to make myself coffee ( convincing myself that coffee is bad for health) and omlette ( cuz I really don't think its worth the trouble. Today I made one tho, sans onion and green chillies). I don't toast my bread. Again not worth the trouble. After I'm done with the breakfast, I plonk on the bed, take the newspaper out, stare and fall asleep. I wake up, decide not to read the newspaper , insert a DVD into my DVD player, but I realise that I don't want to watch the movie. I contemplate if I should walk on the treadmill and that would kinda freshen me up. But that would mean I will have to take a shower immediately after that. But what if I'm not in a mood to shower after the walk. Then I would end up being all sweaty. And while I lie there in a state of sluggishness, I don't realise it is past lunch time. I don't want to cook, I don't even want to heat up stuff from the refrigerator. All I really want to do is lie down and think think and think till I sleep. And when I wake up, I want to think more till I sleep again. Right now, I'm not feeling terrible. I'm just bored. And guess wot, I'm thoroughly enjoying this boredom. I'm not complaining at all. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk, go out, meet people, eat, read, watch movies or have fun. I don't want to change myself. I have accepted that this is how I'm and this is how I will be. I find comfort in this boredom, in this sluggishness, in this lack of purpose.

2. I want to belong.... Somewhere. Belonging no where is a not a great feeling. All my life I have been trying to do two things - To belong and then to severe ties and not belong. But now I want to belong.

3. I suffer from a severe case of identity crisis. I don't think like most people. So does that make me a social outcast? Does that make me a rebel? But I don't do all those outrageous things that rebels do. So what does that make me? Where do I belong?

4. I said in point 1, that I'm happy. But as I write this I'm getting depressed. I want to cry but my tears have dried up.

5. I wonder if I will be ashamed of this post. If so, I will take it off later.

6. I'm missing my sis terribly.

7. I want a nephew or niece. And this is not cuz I want to have kids. When I say a nephew or niece, I just want that. Its such a thrill being their favourite aunt or their only aunt. I get majorly jealous when I see friends with young niece or nephew. And feel sorry for friends with kids. They may love their life, but that doesn't make me feel any less sorry.

8. I hate it when older people talk about marriage like it is a vacation or so much fun. Both them and I know that marriage is not a vacation. And about people telling me how they want to attend my marriage cuz they are going to have fun and my grandmom wants to see me as a bride before she dies.... I think its too silly. It puts a lot of unnecessary pressure now. For all u know, the day u get married is just ONE day of ur life, the what u ask for in the bargain is a life long commitment. Funnily enough, people talk about just that ONE day. They all want to be part of that pre-wedding excitement, all the talks, do shopping, dress up, arrive in style, play their respective parts , dress me up and have a great time and then send me off.

9. For once, I want to be normal. I just want to think the normal thoughts, do the normal things and be happy with a normal life. I'm just tired of being the complicated person that I'm.

10. I'm more depressed now. I'm wondering if I should stop writing this.

11. I want to talk to someone. But at this point of time, I cant think of even one person I really want to talk to.

12. People who I like don't understand my craziness. People who understand my craziness, I don't like them sometimes.

13. I want to take charge of my life. But I really don't want to.

14. I'm tired of fighting, arguing and crying. I don't have the strength to go on. I'm going to give up.

Honest Scrap Award

2010-03-09T22:38:00.000-08:00

The blogger formerly known as sansmerci has awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award. Thanks a lot girl!

The award requires me to post the award and write 10 things about me and tag back the blogger who gave you the award.

So here are ten things about me.

1. I just love that half asleep - half awake feeling. That time when I have just woken up from sleep, yet not really wide awake. I'm at my dreamiest best during that state of semi consciousness and I love that phase when I can feel myself slipping back to sleep.. Too much naa?

2. I love solitude and being on my own. Probably cuz I enjoy my company... buhahaha... so when that magical cocoon is ruptured, u better offer me something equally good ;)

3. I'm happiest when I'm surrounded by words, having a lovely conversation with a friend/ smtimes even a stranger, watching an inspiring or entertaining movie, discovering a beautiful song that I keep humming all the time, reading smthg that strikes a chord with me, digging into some delectable food and enjoying some 'me' time or writing my heart out. I live for these things.

4. Sometimes I break into uncontrollable fits of laughter for no apparent reason. And in most of the cases, it will be at an inappropriate place or time . For eg: prayer time in school or when the teacher has pulled me up for not doing my homework or when I'm travelling alone.

5. I was called "Doo doo" when I was a kid. Some people still call me that. Back then, I used to create a ruckus when somebody did that.

6. I'm extremely emotional. But when it comes to expressing my emotions, sometimes I overdo it and at other times underplay it. I can stay completely calm covering up my fears or put on a cheery smile and talk excitedly when I'm crying inside . Or I can let the whole world know that I'm angry, sad or scared. There is no middle ground for me.

7. I can come out of almost every awkward situation through giggles or straight talk.

8. I'm a detached-attached kinda person. Go figure!

9. I suck at technology. I'm always the last one to know about new gadgets.

10. I can be quite argumentative ( though I'm working very hard to get rid of it). But I can be a very good mediator when others fight. I'm the peacemaker!

I pass on the awards to lex, shades of grey. Thanks sansmerci once again!

Life lessons Learnt # 1 - Value yourself

2010-03-06T09:54:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a series of posts titled ' Life Lessons Learnt'. These are from my own personal experiences or inputs I got from closely observing other's lives - whatever, it is purely my reflections. These won't teach you to take life by its horns, but will definitely make the journey less tumultous. In an ideal world, we just have to follow our heart. And our hearts tell us the best of things, if only we listened. I believe that the first person ( as in human) who comes to know when we err is ourselves. Others notice much later. Our conscience gives us the best advice. But unfortunately we don't live in an ideal world. Following our hearts can be naive and even invite trouble. In a selfish world, these lessons will come extremely handy. And these are just to remind myself when I forget them. And I'm just a novice. So your comments can be extremely useful to me. You can agree, disagree, criticise or compliment. Whatever it is, do feel free to express .You will never be judged. I will probably write other posts along with it.

Life lessons learnt # 1 - Value yourself

This is the most important lesson I learnt in life. You may have everything else in life, but inner happiness can stem from only valuing urself. Money, luxuries, love - nothing can get you happiness if you lack in self esteem. Absolutely no one will value a person who doesn't value himself. How can you expect someone to value you when you don't value yourself? Remember, everyone likes a pushover, but truly respect only one with some selfrespect. So bending backwards to accommodate an unreasonable friend, compromising your values to be in the good books of a boss and losing your individuality for a spouse is a strict No-N0. Well... life requires u to compromise. And there are many happy compromises as well, where u willingly give in to another. But wherever your deeply held beliefs are concerned, you should never budge. U may be tagged as stubborn. But it doesn't really matter as long as u are true to yourself. As the saying goes " It does not matter what others think about u. But what u think about urself matters a lot". So yes, value yourself and be the person you would respect.

Vinnaithaandi Varuvaaya

2010-03-05T22:26:00.000-08:00

This is not exactly a movie review.. this is more about me!

I read the full review of the movie well in advance believing that I will never watch this movie. Just like Trisha's character in the movie has watched just 5 movies in her life time, I have watched only so many or a lesser number of Tamil movies. To begin with, I had very little exposure to Tamil during my school days. Neither of my parents watched Tamil, so there was never a Tamil channel tuned in to nor a Tam movie played. None of my friends watched Tamil too. This is strange cuz most of the mals do watch tam movies. But smhow I wasn't with the kind of people who did, so never really had an intro to tamil movies. But when I did , I felt there was lot of cheap heroism, vulgar dance moves and crass dialogues. But VTV trailers and reviews did catch my attention. I was wondering if I should catch it and that is when one of my friends called up and said a coupla them are watching it and if I wanted to join. And join I did. My friend was constantly doing the translations for me. But I guess even without it I could have followed it. Somehow, I could grasp the essence of the movie. I liked it. The romance is subtle, yet very endearing. Friends who were looking for happily-ever-afters dint quite like it. But the melancholic in me loved the whole concept of unrequited love. Moreover, it was more realistic. This is how most love stories are in real life. People break up and move on. Sm do that faster, some at a slower pace. But they do move on. Or don't they? I guess it probably depends on the intensity of the feeling or the personality of the person concerned. Okay, now I'm digressing. So about the movie... it really has a refreshing feel to it. Not overtly mushy, but there is a very restraint sweetness to the dialogues. The leading lady is perpetually confused, but I guess women (smtimes men too) in love do behave that way. Sme women tend to lose all their focus when they are in love. STILL, she is a very practical woman. I think howmuchever people advice u to follow ur heart, decisions made with the heart rarely work out well. And in matters of the heart, it can be extremely difficult to listen to ur head. Forgot to add....Trisha managed to get that sexy-homely look and their chemistry was good. So go watch it!

My name is CRAP!!!

2010-03-03T22:55:00.000-08:00

Really!!! No, not my name. But the movie is a truck full of crap! KJo ( I believe this is how Karan Johar is fondly called-KJo. Just like JLo) has proved yet again that he cannot make a good movie to save his life. Lets rewind and think about Kuch Kuch Hota Hain. It was a huge hit. But even back then (I was just in school), I found so many flaws in the movie. I thought Shahkrukh's character was the most flawed. He and Kajol are best buddies. Kajol falls in love with him, but he loves Rani and marries her. Rani dies, but Shahrukh keeps on mumbling that love happens only once. And whether it is right or wrong, I'm impressed by the conviction of the character. But then what happens? He falls in love with Kajol when she drapes a Sari!!!! The sari is just to get the message across that she has transformed from a tom boy to a woman. Point taken! But what happened to Shahrukh's convictions?Ok, now people are not always right about convictions. But when u let go of ur convictions, it is always seen as a failure. But since it is Shahrukh, the director decided it to glorify it. And back then, I thought Kajol's character lacked self-respect. The guy wounded her deeply, but ran back to her like a lost puppy when he was lonely in life. And she took him back. Well... back then, I was an idealist. I'm sure it happens in the real world, esply if the woman places her love above her own self esteem. But then I feel Kajol's character doesn't know how to keep a commitment also. She ditches Salman on the day of her engagement for a ex-lover-ex-buddy. But she can still be excused cuz I think one shouldn't stay in a relationship or even enter one just to keep a commitment. Commitment should be a result of love. And when there is no love involved, the commitment u make becomes a compromise. So lets forgive Kajol. But what about Shahrukh. Though it is possible for friendship to grow into love, this one doesn't seem right at all. He never fell in love with Kajol back in college even though they were best of friends. He fell for Rani instead. And then he is back to Kajol when Rani is no more. I somehow cannot respect that character at all.

Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham... I'm not even attempting. The movie had a set of people who shed copious amount of tears at the drop of a hat. The lavish sets and garish costumes were stinging my eyes. Not to talk about the melodramatic dialogues. Who talks things like that? I'm not even discussing about all the other movie he made. Though Wake up Sid from the same banner (Kjo dint direct it) was aweesomeee!

Back to MNIK.... The movie was D.R.R.R.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.AG.I.N.G!!!! I was told it is one of shortest movies made by KJo. I din't feel it that way. The movie seemed to go on forever. NewYork, a movie which deals with the post 9/11 scenario was far superior. It was crisp, with emotions that actually made u fight back a tear and scenes that evoked empathy. MNIK lacked all that. Full marks to Zarina Jawab who played Shahrukh's mom in the movie. And the guy who played the broadcaster. I forgot his name. But other than that nthg really struck a chord with me. Infact, there is a scene in the movie where a policeman smacks SRK on his face, I found myself rooting for the policeman. Kajol was just average. She is completely amused by everything that SRK utters, even the not-so funny things. Maybe cuz he is a big star eh? I'm sure if it was a lesser actor who ends up saying non-funny things she wouldn't find them half as funny. I think the movie should have only one main theme. This has two - Autism and post 9/11. The director lost focus while making the movie. He din't really know which one to concentrate on, and it became a medley. And I feel the actors who played Shahrukh's childhood did a better job than Shahrukh.

My humble advice to Shahrukh and KJo - U both are great entertainers. Extremely eloquent and witty. Stick to hosting shows and giving kickass interviews. Kindly stay out of movies. Thanks in advance!

Up in the Air or a George Clooney post!

2010-03-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

I watched Jason Reitman's Up in the Air yesterday and loved it. I'm not getting into the details here. But must add that George Clooney was @ his delectable best. This role was cut out for him. The man plays a corporate assassin and is hired by firms to fire their employees posted across the United States. And in between all this recession and downsizing chaos, u don't fail to see his charm. There is definitely some kind of charm associated with men who don't want to commit. Atleast when u see them on screen. And he fits this role of a self-assured, confident, professional, playboy (not really a playboy but it is assumed that he takes his relationships casually) to a T. Vera Farmiga is an excellent choice for her role as Alex. I loved the crisp dialogues, smooth flow of scenes, and an unpredictable predictability. There is a dialogue in the movie where Kendrick says that she wants to be exactly like Alex when she is her age, I felt the same. I want to be like Alex when I reach her age - Poised and so sure of myself!

Never

2010-03-02T21:22:00.000-08:00

I know it is lame... but just a current state of my mind...

Never tell a grieving woman that her sorrows are trivial,

All she was looking for was some solace.

Never advice a fiery teenager who is venting out his frustrations,

All he wanted was a patient listener.

Never tell a man at throes of anger that he was wrong,

All he wanted was someone to thrash out with

Never tell a crying child he is too grown up to cry

All he really wanted was to feel like a child.

Never love a dying man too much and give him a desire to live

All he really want is to die a peaceful death.

On loving and hating Malayalam...

2010-02-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

I grew up speaking Malayalam @ home. But the school where I studied insisted that we speak English. But who obeys school rules anyways? Besides there were so many in school who struggled with English that it was near to impossible or even outright impolite to try and converse in English with them. So we stuck to Malayalam. The speaking I mean. I was never taught to read or write malayalam @ school. And my parents din't insist either. Infact, my Dad was worried that too much exposure to Malayalam would ruin our English ( u know accent and all). But then each time me and my sister made a trip to my Dad's native place, we were made the butt of all jokes. We were given Malayalam books and were asked to read them or were given dictations to test our proficiency. Sometimes we were quizzed on our vocabulary and our ignorance were mocked at. Though we spoke Malayalam @ home, it was just the basic Malayalam. We rarely used extensive vocabulary. And at that point of time I started to despise Malayalam. Add to it the company of a bunch of people who thought low of Malayalam. Malayalam movies and Malayalam songs were a big No-No for them. And I was okay with that attitude as well.I din't love them either. I was completely captivated by the razmattaz of the Bollywood and their groovy moves. Malayalam movies lacked glamour and the actors sucked @ dancing. So I can't be blamed for disliking them, esply during those colourful teenage years.

And talking about the language... Though I spoke the language @ home, i wan't exactly comfortable with the language. I din't entirely think in my mother tongue. I din't always think in English too. I needed a mix of both to truly express myself. I needed Malayalam to crack a joke which can only be said in Malayalam. Translating it into any other language will end up killing it brutally. The joke I mean. But how can anyone express one's innermost feelings in Malayalam? U definitely needed English for that. You also needed English to touch upon more delicate subjects. How can u possibly say smthg as emotional as "I miss u" in Mal?It is going to be so corny. Or for that matter, smthg like "they are making out" in Malayalam? That is going to be ridiculous. For these reasons, I was in a way more comfortable with communicating in English. The language is more expressive and has a word for every action and emotion. Probably Malayalam has them too, but nobody knows them, atleast I don't. Or even the ones who know them don't seem to use them. It is all implied with unfinished sentences or silence.

Then life moved on. I met people who loved the language and sometimes not because they din't know English. Interactions with them made me more comfortable in Malayalam. I started watching movies that I once despised. I discovered the beauty of the language and its uniqueness through Srinivasan's ( his dialogues are still popular) movies and old malayalam songs. I never thought I would look up Malayalam song lyrics ( always the old ones, never the new) on the net. But these days I find myself doing that all the time. Recently an old favourite Keli Nalinam caught my attention and I fell in love with the song. The video is uploaded in u tube , I'm not able to add it here. Listening to this song reminded me of Neelathamara, a remake of another movie with the same title. I believe "Nalinam"( in Keli Nalinam) and Thamara( in Neelathamara) means the same - Lotus. But probably that is not why i was reminded of the movie. They both evoked the same feelings in me - a kinda wistful feeling. And Neelathamara is a movie set in a background which is not even remotely connected to my life. Yet, I could relate to every scene in that movie. Today, whenever I'm troubled, all I need to do is watch a Malayalam movie. The sense of comfort that it gives me is the same as getting home after a hectic day , sitting on my favourite chair and unwinding with a cup of coffee and foot massage! Bliss!

Letting Go....

2010-02-28T09:10:00.001-08:00

In order to move on in life, we have to let go @ some point. And move on we have to. Cherished dreams, old habits, past relationships, friendships, emotional baggage and sometimes even the deeply held beliefs are all subject to it. As long as we hold on to smthg, we just cannot make space for anything new. And letting go really makes life so much easier. But the process can sometimes be painful. But I think it is definitely worth it. For eg : I decided to give myself a haircut and keep it short. Howmuchever I miss my long locks, this is so much easier. I'm planning to clean up the mess in my room and organize my wardrobe and throw away all the junk. I deleted all my messages ( I store them all and read them plenty of time) stored in my cell phone. I traded my old huge bag ( which carried a whole lotta stuff and I ended up with a terrible shoulder ache by carrying it around) for a small, comfy bag ( which just carries what I absolutely need) and life has become much easier. Made me wonder... If uncluttering a handbag has so many benefits what is stopping me from uncluttering my mind? I know that memories are a beautiful thing. And each time I revisit them I reach a comfortable place. Sometimes it does take me to an uncomfortable place. But there is always comfort in familiarity. But do I really need them forever? I think it is about time I unclutter my mind of all the happenings, non-happenings ( is there such a word?), conversations and confusions. I really need to let go ....

Awww! I Miss Chennai!

2010-02-22T09:37:00.000-08:00

I was channel surfing and I stopped @ a Tamil song which had the super hot Vikram and the gorgeous Trisha. It was a famous song, though I can neither hum nor remember the lyrics. But then, I was suddenly reminded of my Chennai days. And what days were those? The hot and sultry days, the long walks with friends in the huge campus, that tall glass of chilled fruit juice from the 'OOtys' fruitshop ( and if we are a regular, we get an extra half glass absolutely free!), the 25 bucks Chicken Noodles from the fast food joint, checking out good looking guys, hordes of traditions that we followed in the college, the spicy mutton cutlet -hot hot and freshly made bread omlette - and mint chutney sandwich at the evening canteen, yelling out to friends who are in for a bath to fill up our buckets lest the water supply stops before we get in, gathering around the giant water drum on weekends to do laundry, the special 10pm tea break during examination days, the movie watching sessions where the tamils and the mals fought over the choice of the movie, rushing back to the hostel as the bell goes, watching the lovers completing their unfinished conversation or ending it in a bitter fight, laughing at the security lady chasing guys who hang around the girl's hostel, staying up late at night and revising the hostel song, the fake headaches and the fake stomach aches before the freshers auditions, worrying about ragging, waiting for the juniors to arrive, detailed analysis of who is going out with who, the anticipation of going home, the pure ecstasy of home-made pickles, fighting over the home-made pickles, fighting with the auto drivers and fruits vendors in half tamil, defending the juniors, waking up early morning for compulsory jogging prior to the Sports day, the divine momos made by the Tibetan friends, the post midnight midnight snack munching peppered with conversations! Sigh!!!! I miss it all :)

Whats your personality type???

2010-02-19T04:23:00.000-08:00

I took the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Personality test and this is what I got.

I'm an INFP (Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver) personality type.

INFPs value inner harmony above all else. Sensitive, idealistic, and loyal, they have a strong sense of honor concerning their personal values and are often passionately committed to making sure their beliefs and actions are congruent. INFPs are also extremely perceptive about people. They value their uniqueness and typically seek unconventional ways of doing things. Sensitive and empathetic, INFPs tend to be exceptionally adept at reading between the lines. Although they demonstrate cool reserve on the outside, INFPs care deeply inside.

They are compassionate, sympathetic, understanding and very sensitive to the feelings of others. They avoid conflict and are not interested in impressing or dominating others unless their values are at stake. INFPs seldom express the intensity of their feelings and often appear reticent and calm. However, once they know you, they are enthusiastic and warm. Feeling truly understood and respected for their unique perspective and strong values is important for many INFPs.

Check your personality type HERE and let me know what it is..

Stolen Tag :P

2010-02-18T09:14:00.000-08:00

I was an avid blogger once upon a time. By an avid blogger, I don't just mean someone who blogged regularly. But someone who devoured others' blogs as well. I read all my fav blogs religiously and commented on each one of them. My blogs were also read and commented on more frequently. It was fun cuz loads of friends were also blogging. It is always fun to read a blog when u know the blogger personally. But then, I took a year long break from blogging and things changed. Most of my blogger friends stopped blogging. The bloggers I didn't know forgot me. And even I din't really bother to say a hello to most of them. But I found this tag on Open book's blog and promptly took it up. I have done tags like this, but now m plain bored, so taking it up. And I guess I have evolved as a person. So it is not going to be the same.

1. I'm a person who is completely into the 'feel good' factor. I do things just to make myself feel good. ( who doesn't?). Right from my choice of movies (ofcorz the feel good variety which includes the chick flicks) and books (ezee-breezy reads) to eat out joints,( the fancier the better) or the decision to get a pedicure or a hair spa is all aimed at making myself feel good. They might appear futile, time consuming and extravagant to some. But if it makes me feel good, then it is good enough for me.

2. My laziness, procrastination, tendency to argue constantly, need to prove that I'm always right, impatience, restlessness, temper and mood swings are some of the traits I want to change. And I'm working towards it.

3. I love people. I love watching them, studying them, talking to them, talking about them. But I'm essentially a loner and there are very few things I love more than some quiet time with myself.

4. If there is a new movie released, I have to catch it immediately. If there is a new restaurant or boutique in town, I want to check it out soon. Else I think I'm missing something in life.

5. I'm very attached to my immediate family. And though it can be a lil mushy, I'm extremely grateful for it.

6. I think I'm way too empathetic. A friend has to just narrate a sad incident in his life and I will be worrying over it for the following days and my friend would have blissfully forgotten about it.

7. I have a mix of contradictions in life ( like most people I guess) - I can be brutally honest or boringly diplomatic, I'm a creature of habit but still hate routine, I will easily settle for the comfortable but get all excited about anything even remotely adventurous, I can be the loud , boisterous girl or the shy , quiet one, I can stay detached and aloof with people, I can also be passionate and attached so on...

Now I pass on the tags to...

1. Jungle Girl

2.Feminist

3. the flowing words

4. Destiny awaited

5. Mirror

6. Footlose

7. and YOU YOU YOU! Any one else who visits my blog, plss feel free to take up this tag and post a link in my comment box. And incase u are not a blogger, pls post the tag in the comment box. I would love to read them.

Just a random rant

2010-02-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

It is past midnight and I'm up. I went to bed, couldn't sleep, so here I'm back staring at my comp. Feeling a bit down right now. I know I want to write smthg, but I can't find the right words.

Good night to me :)

That thing called Happiness....

2010-01-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

The primary, and if u think about it, the only purpose of life is the 'Pursuit of Happiness'!!! Every damn thing that we do - from the lil mundane to the more important ones - are done in the hope that it will fetch us happiness. We go to schools, graduate from colleges and put up through 15 to 20 years of education in the hope that we will land a job , earn money and be happy. How many of us really go to school for the sheer pleasure of studying? Ditto with every thing we do. We do them in the hope that it will fetch us happiness sooner or later. Point taken?

But what is happiness? Or what gives us happiness? Doesn't everyone have a different reason to be happy? Who are we to judge what gives others happiness? For eg: There could be a woman whose only purpose in life is to get married. Ever since she was a lil girl, she was conditioned to believe that way. She can never get away from it, and guess wot, she doesn't want to. And she eventually gets married soon after her education, has her kids, runs her home, raise her kids and is happy with her life. So what if her talent is going to waste? So what if she is financially dependent? So what if her life is restricted to indoors? If it is a choice she made and if she is happy with it, who are we to judge? It may not be ur idea of happiness, but she has every right to be happy with smthg that doesn't make u happy. Same with the woman who doesn't have a nestling instinct and is too ambitious and career driven to get married. Who are we to tie her down with marriage and the million obligations (and not to forget the million relatives) that come along with it?

Now, see my own case for instance. I have been brought up on the foundation that education is a MUST, career is a MUST and you got to ACHIEVE smthg in life. I'm completely glad that my parents gave a lot of importance to my education, but when it comes to achieving many things to make ur life meaningful, I got to disagree with them. Any day, I would love to get truck loads of money. And 'Vice Prez' does sound fancy enough for a designation. But honestly, I can't care less. I know that If I had put in even an iota of my brains to good use, I would have done pretty well ( not Vice Prez tho;), but guess wot, I dint want to. And I'm happy with that. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that I'm okay with not having a six figure income? Why is it so difficult for them to understand that clinching boardroom deals is not what makes me happy? It sure will give me a high. I'm not denying that. And the sense of power could be overwhelming. But the only power that I really need is the power to control my own life!

Most people in my life - close friends, distant friends, close relatives, distance relatives and non-existant relatives - would have been glad if I had been married by now. And to add to my misery, had ATLEAST one kid. If I hadn't done that, too bad they say! Oh but, since I hadn't done that divine, must-do thing, I should be owning a business empire by now, right? No?!?! What a disaster!! If I was not busy getting married, raising a kid and not running my home, then I would have done SMTHG with my life right? And the next best thing would have been to probably be a business tycoon maybe.Yeah, after 4 years of passing out from college!!!

To all those people, all I have got to tell is that I'm doing what gives ME happiness. I think life becomes rich by the 'experiences' u go through and not by the 'achievements' u make. As I said , Vice Prez does sound fancy, but not compelling enough to chuck the simple pleasures of life. Managing a team of 50 people is great, but I'm not willing to trade that for the utter recklessness that I enjoy. Meeting deadlines can give u an adrenaline rush, but I cannot miss that newly released 'must-watch' movie.

I find happiness in lil things. Being able to sleep those extra hours in the morning with out worrying about cooking for [non-existant] husband and kids gives me immense happiness. A lovely conversation with a good friend, without being interrupted by a whining child can make me happy. Staying up late at night watching a movie, reading a book, writing when the mood strikes, browsing something online or catching up with a friend without having to worry about an early morning flight the next day gives me hapiness. Stepping out of the house whenever I feel like , without being accountable to anyone makes me feel liberated and hence happy. Spending all my money on myself (without guilt) , unless I decide to do otherwise, gives me hapiness. Doing what I want to do, when I feel like it, gives me total control of my life and hence happiness. Now I may not do something wild or outrageous. But I still do what I want to do. And I may not have the best life and I always want mooooore, but I'm still happy with my life. Just that it doesn't conform with ur brand of happiness. Now u got to live with that, don't u???

When beliefs go to the dogs....

2010-01-23T10:01:00.000-08:00

A point has come in my life when I start to think that everything that I believed in was wrong. I spent a major part of my life believing in smthg, and those very beliefs go down the drain.

My beliefs make me. My principles mean the world to me. And whatever people think or say about me, I have always stuck to them. And I have been so proud of them. They defined me. And I never budged from them. Many times people have argued with me and tried to challenge my beliefs and opinions. And it was easy for them to challenge cuz my beliefs were not very popular among conventional thinkers. I have been hurt or belittled many a times just cuz I din't hold popular views. But I stuck to them nevertheless. Sometimes I argued and defended like my life depended on them . But smtimes I chose to keep quiet cuz I knew they won't understand it any way.

And now I have to compromise on them. Tell myself that whatever I believed in was wrong, I was too naive to believe in them in the first place. I must willingly let go of them and accept new ones. Life, I am told , is more important than the beliefs that make it meaningful! Sigh...

Life in Trivandrum and the others....

2010-01-17T06:06:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer - I have nothing against Trivandrum. Nor do I have anything against men. Its just the combination that I have a problem with. I know that it is unfair to generalize. But whatever I say here, is based on my personal experience. And guess what, I get to say what I want right? After all, it is MY blog! ;) So pls don;t write in to say how great Trivandrum men are. I'm really not interested in knowing it.

I was working in Trivandrum, the capital city of Kerala. For the benefit of those who don't know much about Trivandrum, it is the southern most district in Kerala, and has the most regressive, perverted men. Now, this is not to say that ALL men in Trivandrum are like that. I repeat, not ALL are the same. But a vast majority is. I live in Cochin, has been to Kottayam, Calicut, Kannur and Trichur and found the male folk to be a lot better. In Trivandrum, me and my friends have been through many unpleasant experiences. There were many girls who worked at Technopark and came back late. They used to get dropped at a stop next to the hostel. And the walk back was scary, and scarier cuz the area was known for prostitution. So a woman walking down alone at night always called for unwanted attention. Then again, many a times I have seen men on their bikes with their wives riding pillion, checking out women. Checking out is very pleasant way of putting it! Ridiculous I say!!! Same thing at the restaurants. They will be with their families, but that will never stop them from staring shamelessly at every girl who walks by. I wonder how their wives take it.

And there was condom machine right next to our hostel. I remember one of my friends telling us about it, and all of us being really curious and making that trip to the "petti kada" next to the machine, just to take a look at it. Or every time we passed that road, we used to crane our necks to take a look at it. C'mon, when did conservative Kerala become so progressive and open- minded? And many a times when me and my friends had gone to watch movies in the theatres, we have seen prostitutes ( I don't know if its politically correct to use this. I think sex worker is a more politically correct term) with their... err.. clients... Now, it may be my over imagination. But what they did in theatre (I'm not going to be descriptive here. I will leave it to ur imagination) din't let me think about it any other way. In almost all the cases the women looked older than the men, but not old enough to be their mothers. Cud be an elder sister, or a friend. But nobody behaves this way with sisters or friends. And the women were all too eager to please. So I couldn't think about it any other way.

____________******_______________

It was the International Movie Festival time in Trivandrum and I was desperate to catch it. I had never been to an Int Movie Fest. While I was in Chennai, I got many opportunities to catch foreign movies, but I just couldn't make it. I knew I din't want to miss it cuz 1) I love movies. 2) I have heard that foreign language movies have a great quality. 3) This is really subjective. But i do think there is smthg exotic about watching a movie in a foreign language. 4) My then boss( who is a movie buff himself) made it sound like I will be missing in life if I don't catch it. We used to have discussions on movies and he knows about my love for movies. So it was mostly under his persuasion that I went and got the pass. I talked another friend into it and got a pass for her too. Now the hitch. I used to work from 9.30am-6.30 pm. I had to report back to the hostel at 7.30pm. How would I manage? It is not too difficult to cook up a lie and catch a night show. But,there was no one to pick us and drop us back to the hostel. Come to think of it, there were people willing to do that favour. But lets says, I din't want to depend on anyone. Trivandrum is not just unsafe, but scary as well for women. So all we could do was to catch the show on sunday. So me and my friend decided to make the most of the sunday and watch 3 movies back to back. Phew! Such committed movie-goers we are.

Me and my friend M studied the movie list and I did a bit of researching online and we zeroed in (many movies are played simulataneously in different theatres) on this movie called "Whispering of the Gods". My research told me that it is a controversial movie on the happenings in church. I was extremely interested. This is the kind of movie I would love to watch any day. And my over-enthusiastic brain failed to read too much into the word "Controversial". Once we got into the theatre, we saw that there were just two of us girls, rest all were men. We din't think too much about it, cuz women in Trivandrum din't step out much anyways. So we set to watch the movie. The movie began with a steamy scene (this is an understatement.I don't know what better word to use. And even if I know, m not using it cuz my family is reading it) and that did make us both very uncomfortable. But we acted totally cool. U see, we are educated, liberated women and we should be totally okay with a scene like this. And we are true movie lovers and we should be able to appreciate every scene in a movie. And honestly,I think I would have been okay with it if I weren't surrounded by men. That too in THRIVENTHRAM ( as pronounced by my Oriya friend M. And she says "Parrram pori" for "pazham pori". But thats another story)But then we let it pass. I thought it was just ONE imperative scene in the movie very crucial to the plot. But fifteen minutes into the movie, I was almost sure that it was a porn movie. But I was still hopeful that there will be a twist and things are going to be better. But half and hour into the movie, I lost hope. I started squirming in my seat, scanning at the audience, trying to gauge their reaction, but not daring to make eye contact with them. I wanted to run. And we did consider it. But we realised that we would end up attracting more attention. To truly understand my plight, you should understand the cultural context. Now I started wondering if this was the reason why only men made it to the theatre. I din't even spot any female journos. Why din't my research let me in on this info. Cuz I suck at research?? Yeah! Anyways, we sat through the movie somehow and was relieved when it was over. We were too embarrassed to step out and I behaved like I was talking to my shoes ( looking at my feet and refusing to make eye contact with anyone), carelessly ( very carefully actually) covered my face with my messy (on purpose) hair and got out of the theatre unscathed. I remember texting my friend N ( not the one I mentioned in the previous post) about it and she texted back asking if there were subtitles. I think her hubby wanted to know it. :P

Anywyas, I go to work next day and meet a very embarrassed looking boss. I act normal.. cuz I was feeling normal. After discussing this and that for a while he asks me

"Did u watch any of the movies yesterday".

Me - Yes

Boss - Did u watch "Whispering of the Gods"

Me - Yes ( I din't let my Yes give out anything more)

Boss - How was it?

Me - (Now I'm totally confused. I din't know how to answer that qstn without feeling embarrassed. But I keep a straight face and said) It was a rated movie.

Boss - What? (Smtimes he doesn't hear what I say. So I gotta repeat. So m hoping it was same in this case too)

Me - It was a rated movie

Boss- (after a short silence) I was there too. (And immediately added)But i dint sit thru the complete movie.

Yeah rite!!!!, I thought!

I almost choked on my laughter. So that is what it was. He saw me at the theatre and was embarrassed about it. If I had probably lied and told him that I din't have gone to movie, he would have kept quiet about it too. But now that I told him the truth, he was forced to make that confession :D

Train Journey - 2

2010-01-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

The post needs editing.. pls bear with me...

Less than a month back, I found myself travelling to Telechery (North Kerala) to attend a friend's engagement. I'm not very familiar with route, but was determined to attend the engagement, so went ahead with it. I was assured by my friend N that I can travel comfortably cuz it is a Sunday ( and since it is an executive train , people shuttling between cities for work travel in it), the train would be empty. I bought the story and made no attempts to reserve the tickets. Now, at this point I must confess that I'm a fussy traveller. I WANT a window seat! Though I'm perfectly alright with non-air conditioned travelling, I always go for one during shorter journeys( During longer journeys, I mostly stick to the second class tho), cuz the seats are too cramped in the general class. But since I was assured of the seats, I din't bother to book. While my Dad was driving me to the station, he kept on asking me why I din't bother to book the tickets. And I told him N told me there will be seats. Dad din't think so, but I guess he was too sleepy ( what do u expect at 4 am? ) to argue. But as soon as I reached the station, I realised that the train was packed. My Dad looked at me and said "kando, njan paranjille??" meaning "Look, din't I tell ye"? (The man is right most of the time, that is why I rarely argue with him) So what do I do? I just go for the ONLY window seat I find and sit there. Its a 3-seater and immediately 2 men join to give me company. Now I wanted to scream, but I sat there like a happy girl cuz I asked for it. My dad says : see, I know better than N". I din't have a choice, but to say cheerfully "Its okay Daddy, it is just a matter of (and i counted the hours with horror) 7 hours. I think my voice cracked when I said the word 7!!! After that I tried to squeeze a bottle of water on my seat, but I cudn't do that without poking the guy sitting next to me. (due to space constraints) Now the last thing I wanted was the guy to mistake me that I was feeling him up or smthg. So I gave the bottle back to Dad saying that I'm not thirsty and don't think i will be thirsty during the entire journey. My dad obviously doesn't get it and tries to push the bottle through the window sill. I push it back. This game continues for a while until the train is about to leave and my Dad gives up. And then begins the torture. The 'lets get to know each other' session. So as practiced, I take my book out, ( unfortunately my ipod was not working, so nothing to plug into my ears) and stare at it. Now I was too sleepy to read, too uncomfortable to sleep, so I stare out of the window again.

And then the conversation begins. The 'friendly' guy wants to know where I'm getting down, and whether I travel this route often and if it is work related. Now, usually I'm really good at giving those ugly stares that shut people up. But I guess I have lost that art.Or maybe I was too sleepy to even frown. So I tell him very politely ( and this is not an exaggeration, I was surprisingly polite that day) it is not work that takes me to travel. So obviously he wants to know why I'm I tavelling. His expression tells me that there is NO reason I shud be travelling now. I tell him I got to meet someone and again continue staring out of the window. And again he tries chatting up. He wants to know where I work. At this point I really lose my patience. Why are fellow travellers so interested in knowing personal details? Esply when u don;t show any interest. So I just tell him I work for the newspaper. And he wants to know which one and I look straight at him and say Indian Express. Not that Indian Express has any potentional to scare anyone ( but media means power) , but I guess it is the way I said it, the giy stretched his back , got up and jsut disappeared.

So the fellow sitting next to him moves closer to me (sigh!) and gives space for another woman who was standing there. Now the routine questioning begins. But somehow I took an instant liking to this guy. No, I din;t fall in love with him. But he was obviously more easy to talk to. So then the work question. Where do u work?, he asks me? I say Indian Express. And he turns to me very excitedly and say, "Wow! I.E? I work for abcd (a malayalam daily).. So do u know Mr XYZ who works there? Ofcourse I do, i say promptly. So which section do u work for? Now I think hard to come up with smthg that wud intimidate him. I almost said crime beat and stopped short of saying it. I said features instead. So he asks me my name/. And I cook up some name. He tries to recollect if he has seen it smwhere. And then asks me who the current Chief of Bureau is? I know m lost there. So I just ask him if he knows the guy who sat next to me. When he says no, I confess. I tell him I no nothing about I.E and i was lying cuz he asked me too mnay qstns. So he bursts out laughing and tells "Vanitha police aanenu parayaamaayiunille". I laughed at the spontaneity of it. But more at the relief that i don't have to lie anymore. But guess wot. I laughed. And laughter means fraandship. So I had to answer all the questions that followed like it was a pleasure. But thankfully we had almost reached Telechery and I din't have to endure it for long.

Train Journey - 1

2010-01-02T08:15:00.001-08:00

The below post requires editing... wil do it sooooon :)

I was traveling from Cochin to Trivandrum by Intercity on a Wednesday. Tuesday, being a holiday, I took Monday off as well. And since I have an instant fear of strangers, I always keep to myself when I’m traveling. Add to it, the fact that single women are more at a peril, I decided to keep to myself. But my fellow passenger din’t share my idea. A young, educated looking man went on chattering from one thing to another. I might have been interested in the conversation if only he hadn’t bragged so much. Sure, he looked well educated and well-travelled and I would have been impressed. But the very fact that he was trying too hard to impress made me unimpressed. I Pulled out my ipod and plugged it into my ears. I took a book out and started reading it with great pretensive interest. Since the book was uninteresting, I kept staring, sometimes at the book, sometimes outside the window. But he was not the one to give up.

He – “They sent me down from Mumbai to Kerala just because of my surname ‘Nair’. I’m a malayali, but I don’t know the language, so whats the point.

Me ( Gives a very understanding, empathetic look) – Oh! That’s tough!

He– These Malayalis, I hate their bloody attitude. Tuesday is a holiday, fine. So let them enjoy Tuesday. But why take off on Monday? Many called in to say they are sick

Me ( This time neither empathetic nor understanding) – Even I took off on Monday

He (completely dismissing it) – So these Malayalis, they don’t do any work. They want the office boy to do everything. Can’t even clean their own tables

Me ( gives a very disinterested look) – OK!

He – I told them I will fix a vending machine or 10 vending machines. Let them drink coffee. But let them make it themselves.

Me (Today I see the point in what he said. But back then I failed to see it. So again a disinterested look) - Hmmm

He – They make the office boy do everything

Me (Without taking my eyes off the book) - Alright

He – They used to think that what does this ( pointing to himself) guy know. He is just another MBA guy. But they changed that attitude when they heard the name of my college.

Me ( Knowing very well that he wanted me to ask the name of his college, made me very determined not to ask. I was definitely not going to give him another opportunity to show off) – Blank stare

He – IIMC

Me ( thought slightly impressed, but gives an uninterested look neverthless) - Okay

He ( goes on and on about pathetic Kerala and Keralites…)

Me( buries myself in the book)

He – I din’t ask your name. What is it?

Me – Neetu

He ( trying to be funny) – Neetu Singh?

Me ?( Totally not enjoying the joke) – Neetu Singh is an actress. I’m not HER. I’m Neetu George

He ( now really worried and surprised) – Are u a Malayali?

Me – Very much

He ( Silence)

Me ( really happy that with this silence)

He – Kerala is a beautiful place

Me – What???

He – Kerala is a beautiful place

Me (aghast) – really???

He – Yes. Have u been to Kovalam? It is a really good beach. And Alleppey is amazing. And I went trekking in Wayanad and faced a tiger.

Me – And the tiger ran away seeing u?

He - I have been told that when one comes face to face with a tiger, just stare at the tiger. The tiger obviously doesn’t know that you are dying with fear . Saying this, he bursts out laughing

Me – Very good idea that was

He – Yeah, I have traveled across Kerala and it really is a peaceful and serene place

Me( very sarcastically) - You just love Kerala, don’t u?

He – It is heaven!

You are loved anyways, woman!

2009-12-21T04:58:00.000-08:00

If you are open, then u are easy to talk to

If you are not, then u are the mystery men love to unravel!

If you are bold, then you are appreciated and looked up to

If you are not, then u kick up protective instincts!

If you are funny, you make men laugh

If you are not, then you are the responsible home-maker material

If you are intelligent, then u make conversations interesting

If you are not , then you are the dumb girl men love to joke with!

If you remember to look into the little important things, then you are thoughtful

If you don't, you are just a lil child who is easily forgiven!

If you are giggly, then u are definitely how a girl ought to be

If you are not, then u have a purpose!

If you are loud, u make for boisterous company

If you are not, quieter moments are relished with u!

If you are aggressive, then you offer healthy competition

If you are not, then u are tender companion!

If you smile often, you bring sunshine

If you cry often, you will find fingers to wipe ur tears!

If u talk about ur insecurities, then you are affable

If u don't, then u are the strong woman!

If you know to take charge, u are to great to share burdens

If you cannot, you will be looked after!

If you are liberated, then you are exciting

If you are coy, then you are subtle and sweet!

If you are bratty, then u are the child upto some mischief

If you are giggly, u are the girl who lightens up

If you are tender, then u are the loving woman!

If you are naive, u are the child who needs guidance

If you are chatty, then u are the girl who has fun

If you are strong, then u are woman who can take care!

If you are insecure, u are the child who will be hugged

If you are freaky, then u are the girl who will be playfully teased

If you are loving, then u are the woman men want to live with!!!

However u are, there is beauty in u woman, u are special. Love being U!

Lead me

2009-12-21T04:55:00.000-08:00

Lead me, don't rule me

Protect me, don't confine me

Hurt me, don't bleed me

Love me, don't smother me!!!

Prayers of Gratitude

2009-12-14T23:08:00.001-08:00

I just finished reading Khaled Hosseini’s ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’. It is a brilliant piece of fiction. A fiction which nevertheless took me into a real world. A world I’m not familiar with. But a world I knew existed. After reading the book, I can’t help but be grateful for all the things that I take for granted, the most important being FREEDOM. The lines that follow are my after thoughts…

I’m grateful that I have a loving, supportive family

I’m grateful that I can live my life on my own terms

I’m grateful that I can step outside my house without fear of being beaten up

I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about my daily meals

I’m grateful that there is really no struggle involved

I’m grateful that I have an education

I’m grateful for the health I have

I’m grateful that I have intellect

I’m grateful that I have enough talent

I’m grateful that I have plenty of time to do all the nothing I want to do

I’m grateful for all the little things I forget to mention

I’m truly blessed, and I’m grateful for that!!!

On Being a Daddy’s girl

2009-12-14T22:33:00.000-08:00

I’m a Daddy’s girl. Anyone who knows me well would know that about me. My classmates from school (whom I never kept in touch with after school, but later met thru Orkut) still remember that my Dad dropped me at school on his bike everyday. So he used to drop and pick me and my sis up, and later when we grew up to attend tuitions, he used to drop us and wait for 2 hours and pick us back. Now he din’t trust any auto guy to bring back his little girls safely. Neither did he trust us (actually he dint trust ME, my younger sis was way smarter, still is) board a bus and reach back safely. So he took upon himself to pick and drop us daily. When I was a little girl, he used to help me with my socks, tie/buckle my shoes ( I couldn’t do this on my own till much later), help me with my homework, simplified my math problems so that I just had to look thru it on the eve of my exam, ironed my school uniforms ( well.. I do iron his shirts now sometimes, but I still make him iron my clothes when I’m in a hurry. But now I mostly wear wrinkle-free clothes, so its okay) , sat up with me when I studied late, listened to all my rants and raves and pampered me silly. Well.. its another thing that I always thought that my sis is his favourite, he always disagrees. And most of our fights have been on this . But we fight no more on this. Or maybe a little lesser than before. Because my sis is such a darling ( despite the stubbornness that run in the family) that when pitted against me, even I would pick her!

The most important thing to me is that my Daddy is my trouble shooter. Whenever I’m shaken by fear or troubled with my problems, all I had to do was tell Dad. He would promise me that he would take care of it and my fears disappear. I have such immense faith in him that once the onus is on him, I can rest assured that everything will be taken care of. Whenever I’m in trouble, Dad is the first person I turn to. And there is no problem that he cannot solve. And people always thought I was independent, because they never saw me depending on any one else. Only I knew the truth. But the degree of my dependence on him dawned on me only when I moved away into a hostel in a new city. I used to put calls to him a number of times asking about everything mundane and inane. I used to cry non stop over the phone and he used to comfort me from the other end. I remember traveling alone one night ( and the train was horribly late and mostly empty cuz it was a special train) and the TTE of the train was annoying me. I couldn’t handle it alone obviously. So I dropped an sms to my Dad. And before I knew it, the train was stopped and the railway police was in the coach. How he managed to do it was beyond me. But then there are innumerable instances where he has been a saviour to me. So I often think whether I would be able to lead a life without him And I know someday it is going to happen. And I have died a hundred deaths thinking about it and shed copious mamopunt of tears after hitting the bed. That is what forced me to move in back home. People thought I was dumb. And I don’t argue. Even sometime back, when I go to bed and can’t sleep, I walk upto his room, wake him up and tell him I can’t sleep. It is a great relief just letting him know that I haven’t slept yet. Or when I can’t sleep because I’m over whelmed by this sorrow of losing him, I will go and wake him up and plant a kiss on his cheek. And I do that no more cuz I know it is cruel to wake him up from his sleep./ So I really don’t know how I’m going t o cope with a grief of not having him around more

My Dad actually made both of us- me and sis. Mom’s influence on our lives is quite zilch. He has imparted great values – on the importance of being honest and principled. He has never given us lectures, but always led us by examples. And we followed it. To this day, it is difficult lying to him. And I hardly do anything behind his back that he would frown upon on discovering, even when I’m sure he would never find out. If there are things about me that I don’t want him to know, I just say I can’t tell him and he wouldn’t ask.

My Dad always said things would change when I’m married and have kids of my own. He always thought that your parents are important to you only till the day u get married. He used to tell me that there is a difference in your relationship with your parents once you are married. And maybe he is right. My Grandad died a couple of years back. And all his children, including my mom cried for a day. And they were all okay he very next day. I was shocked beyond words. I wasn’t particularly close to my grand dad. But I felt bad for him that his children forgot him a day after he left this world. His children carried on with their business as usual, laughing and talking about clothes (my mom’s side discusses a lot about clothes and shopping). There was not even a mourning period. When I discussed this with my Dad, he told me this is what he has been talking about all the while. And I believed him. Someway, that assurance gave me some relief.

But then I read a blog. This blogger is married with two adorable kids and still has not really come into terms with losing her Dad. And I discussed this with many other married friends. They all said that they will be sad for a while, but would get over it soon. So I secretly hoped it will be the same for me. Preeti was just an exception maybe. And then I heard about another married friend’s father’s death and how she struggled to cope with it. So now I understand it is not about whether you are married or not, whether you have kids or not, It is about how much you love them. So probably those friends don’t love their parents the way I do. I don’t know who I will turn to, if not him. I don’t know how I will fill that vaccum. And I wanted to tell Dad. “ I have an amazing person as my Dad. He din’t probably have someone equally amazing as his Dad. THERE LIES THE REAL DIFFERENCE”!!!

Different Strokes...

2009-12-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I believe in the grand illusion of life. I believe that I'm here for a reason. That I matter. My life is pre-destined, my destiny unchangeable. Some one has already etched out my role, I just have to play my part. I feel that the Universal forces are working in my favour, taking me closer to where I ought to be. There is apprehension cuz not everything is in my hands. But there is also consolation that everything will be taken care of. Just like a leaf sways with the wind, I will be guided and lead to my destination. There is a blessed assurance that I'm part of a plan.

Sometimes I feel that I'm on my own. What I do has no relevance in the larger scheme of things. What I do here matter only to me most of the time. I'm here only for a matter of 70-80 years. What happens to me is not a big deal. I'm after all, just a tiny speck in the Universe!!!

The Eternal Search...

2009-12-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

Aren't we all lonely?? No parents, siblings, spouse, kids, friends can help us feel complete. Nothing can. Sometimes we believe that we ought to tap our creative energy to feel complete. An ambition fulfilled . Sometimes we believe that we need a soul mate to make us feel complete. Falling in love. Sometimes we believe it is truly spiritual. A connection with God. But nothing can make us feel complete. We are constantly searching for something to make us feel complete. Most of the time we don't know what is missing. The search is eternal.

Peace...

2009-12-10T10:40:00.001-08:00

I have reached a place I have never been before, and it is blissful!

Hope and Happiness...

2009-12-09T08:36:00.001-08:00

When you are uncertain about the truth, always believe the option that gives you more happiness.

Life....

2009-12-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

Life has no short cuts, only smart choices!

People...

2009-11-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

I wish I could pick my most favourite people from different phases of my life and place them all around me. I want to be with them all, ALL the time. Meeting up once in a while is just not nuff! :(

Words....

2009-11-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

There are a million words locked inside, dying to get out... yet they remain there, succumbing to silence...

The not-so-rich me

2009-11-29T22:36:00.000-08:00

I'm NOT rich, I just have expensive taste!!!

A friend for each season and each reason

2009-08-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Friendship Day is here again. And for the last friendship day, I wrote a post on one of my fav sitcoms F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Since then I have been meaning to write a propah post on friends. And its been a year since that.. Sigh…

So well.. I have seen friendships, made friendships, lost friendships, grown out of friendships, broken friendships..smthg or the other sure kept happening. Honestly, it was very late in life that I really felt the need to have friends. Maybe cuz I have a wonderful home and I was well taken care of. Maybe every whim of mine was satisfied without friends. Maybe I was a very secure person , loner probably (still I’m) and was happy with myself. Maybe I was too good for the others (What nerve to say that!) and din’t want to associate myself with them. Maybe they were too good for me and I din’t fit in. May be I din’t trust anyone enough. Maybe I was after all too insecure to let my guard down. Don’t get me wrong guys. I was always fond of people. I loved watching them, talking to them, hanging out with them, admired them, helped them and even loved them. But friendships? I’m not too sure. The concept was never in my mind. Somehow being liked was never one of my priorities in life. I was more keen on winning arguments than winning friends. And winning arguments mostly meant that losing a friend or making an enemy.

Alrite, so I really don’t know what I want to say. Am kinda digressing from the topic. But then who is a friend? Dictionaries probably give you a set of definitions. We have literary geniuses churning up their own versions. But who is really a friend? We all have our personal definitions. If you are being a friend to someone, does that make that person ur friend by default? If you consider someone as ur friend, does that mean that person is really ur friend? Is your friend the person you love the most (outside ur family ofcorz)? Or is your friend the person who loves you the most? Or do two friends always feel equal love for each other?

I have had different kinds of friends and seen different kinds of friendships. They connect and relate to each other on a different level. And sometimes you tend to take on the personality of your friend while you hang out with them. Is communication always necessary in friendships? Or can silence communicate a lot more than words at times? Sometimes you can talk a lot to a person, and yet not feel attached at all. Sometimes you can forge strong bonds even through silence. In some friendships, it is important to know all the details. In some others, you just know that whatever the detail, your friend will stand by you. Sometimes shared interests or shared sense of humour can bring people together. Laughter definitely decreases the distance between two people. But is that good enough? Or is it even necessary? You may actively talk about your pet subjects to someone cuz u know that your listener shares the interest and understands it. A connection is definitely made there. But is that connection good enough to make you care for that person? Does an intellectual connection always lead to an emotional connection.? You may share the same kind of sense of humour with someone and laugh out a lot in their company. But does that really suggest a strong friendship? Does having fun in each others company mean that they are great friends? Is that even an indicator of whether that person will stand by you during a rough patch. You may have activity partners. If you are the partying kind, you go out together for drinks. Are they friends? If you love golf, or shopping or movies, you always find someone with similar interests. Does that mean you are friends?

I feel that how much ever we don’t want to believe it, friendships are not permanent. In some rare cases, they are. But in most cases they are not. So we sure have a friend for every reason. School friends, college friends, friends from work, friends from flat – either we or they move away. Sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to keep in touch, but cant. Sometimes we don’t want to keep in touch. We don’t think it is very necessary. We grow out of it. Parting with a friend can be painful. But growing out of a friendship can be painless, slow and smooth. We just don’t feel their need in our lives. We may or may not keep in touch. But more often than not, the intensity of our friendship reduces a lot over time. Atleast in most cases.

So we definitely have friends for every season. Do we have friends for every reason? Looks like we do. It mite be difficult to find all the qualities that we require in a friend in one individual. So when we want to be all goofy and dumb, we have a certain set of friends. You enjoy their company, have a good time, match wits , laugh at each other’s expense and laugh at each other’s jokes. Great fun. You will be instantly pepped up in their company. Sometimes you are so comfortable in someone’s company and can talk ceaselessly, but still not feel a thing. And there are friends you run to in times of trouble. You may not be expecting any help, but you just need a listener to vent out your frustrations. Somebody to talk to about whats bothering you, somebody who can comfort you and make you feel better. And most important, somebody you can trust with very personal information. This person may not always think like you, or has an answer to your worries, but may just let you know that he is there for you. A few consoling words, a ruffle on your hair or hug can do the trick for you. But when a more philosophical question stirs up your mind, you seek out an intellectual partner who talk the same language. There are friends who protect you, friends whom you protect, friends who make you laugh, friends who laugh at your jokes, friends who cry to you, friends you cry to , friends who cry for you, friends who talk to you when you just listen, friends you talk to while they just listen, friends in whose company you both speak with each not paying enough attention to what other is saying (yet have a good time),friends you share your deepest fears with, friends you talk about the dumbest thing you have done, friends in whose company you may not talk much, yet understand how you feel for each other.

So what do you think is a friendship? What kinda friends do you have and for what reasons?

Oh! My unborn Child!

2009-04-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my unborn child

What right do I have to let you be born,

Into a world of miseries,

Into a life of uncertainities???

You never know what is in store for u

Neither ‘m I too sure of ur future.

I hope to be with you in every step u take

But u n me know that I can’t be with you for long.

You don’t even have a choice,

To be born or not be born is not ur call,

I take that very important decision for you

Whether you love it or not,

Live you have to with it.

I can’t guarantee anything

Neither can I make promises,

You may have imperfections u detest

You may hate urself for the way your are

You can’t chose your family

Neither can u chose the way u are

These are decisions I take.

So my unborn child

Do I really have the right

to throw u into a life designed by me.

All you have to do is just live

Cuz the call has been mine!!!!

I often wonder why people have kids? Before u raise your eyebrows, I would like to clarify that I absolutely adore kids. Though, I can be a lil biased and fall for the cute, chirpy kids, the truth is that I find almost all kids cute. I love their innocence and playfulness. I love baby-talking with them. And being the eldest grand child of the big family, I took it upon myself to look after all the kids. I was their unofficial caretaker. And I’m protective about strangers’ kids by default. I keep a vigilant eye on kids who run around in restaurants or malls and keep a protective hand over their head when they are going to bang it onto something sharp. That said, I’m not excited at the prospect of having my own kids. Always beats me. What is it that inspire people to have kids. I would really like to know.

You believe in the cycle of life. Birth, childhood, growing up, marriage, having kids and death – u believe in this cycle and follow it unquestioningly. Nothing more, nothing less.
U have an intense longing to father or mother a child. You love to cradle a baby and enjoy the process of bringing him/her up or watch him/her grow.
Pressure from the family or society.
Don’t really know. Just going with the flow.
You are bored with ur current life/partner even though u love them. U think u need something more to make it more meaningful.
Any other reason.
Hope that the kids will take care of you when you are old.

I may sound crazy, and most people I talked to regarding this dismissed myself as being crazy. But the truth is that they don’tw ant to discuss or worse still, they don’t sometimes know. I would love it if you share your views on this.

Life's Good!

2009-04-06T23:48:00.001-07:00

I took a really long break from work. I had tonnes if things to do, but I squeezed in a family vacation. Went to Bangalore with my parents to attend my sister’s convocation at IIM. The students were all looking very smart and brimming with confidence ( as said by the the chief Guest Mukesh Ambani) in their black gowns. I was reminded of my own college convocation where we all donned golden yellow robes. The predicaments of studying in Chennai. Sigh!!! Anyhoo, as u can imagine, convocation was a boring and arduously long affair. Some of the speeches were painfully long. But I dint listen anyway. I just got up to watch my sis and few of her close friends receive their certificates. Missed most part of the speeches delivered by some Justice and then Mukesh Ambani. I thought Mukesh Ambani was wayyyy too simple than I imagined. Every one was impressed with his speech. I found nothing particularly impressive about his speech, atleast the parts that I managed to listen. And he did blame the current recession on ‘Greed without Fear’. I wondered whether he was the right person to talk about it. So though I was bored with the whole convo thing, I enjoyed being away from home, meeting some fresh faces and meeting some people I have met before and have caught up online later. And I was looking forward to the grand dinner at IIM. It ought to be grand, cuz it was IIM and it was their convo and all. But the dinner was a disappointment, except the yummy ice-cream and gulabjamun combo. So that din’t stop me from eating.

From Bangalore, we headed to Coorg. And I was a bit sad for my sis and myself. For my sis, cuz she was leaving a place she sooo loved and friends she is sooo close to. And for myself, I really don’t know. Just felt sad. This whole bye bye blues catches me totally unawares. So we headed to Coorg and the journey till Mysore was not vey smooth. We got into a non AC Sumo and was baked. That’s all we got, thanks to bad planning! From Mysore got into an AC Scorpio which was suchaaaa relief. But I was not too happy with the insufficient leg space, but we managed it alrite. Spend a night at Coorg and then headed to Wayanad. The holiday as such was amaaazing, though there was no posh stay and fine dining (two prerequisites for a good holiday in my opinion). But it was great to be with family. At home, each of us are caught up in our own world and doing our individual thing. So I think a change in scene is wonderful to bond. The light-hearted conversation, laughter, long drives, winding roads, misty mornings, fresh air ( it really does wonders), rolling down the windows and letting the wind blow on ur face, dreamily sitting in the car without a worry in the world, wild life sanctuaries, the elephant ride (finally managed to do it), the anticipation and fear of spotting wild animals while moving through the national park,, watching rabbits nibble on the leaves, climbing upto the tree house, clicking photographs, watching the Buddhist monks pray at the Tibetan monastery, home made chocolates, salted mango with chilly powder sprinkled all over, vinegar-ed pineapple, honey-ed amla – BLISS!

Now m back home, but my break is still on. I’m just getting wasted, but thoroughly enjoying it. Sleeping as much as I want ( but trying not to overdo it, cuz it is a habit hard to snap out of), reading, catching up on blogs, writing my own blog , planning to go out for shopping ( too lazy to get out) , planning to go out for movies (again too lazy to get out) and generally lazing around. And most important, not crying anymore. Looks like I have finally got the reigns of life. I’m glad, life is still good!!!!

Quick run up

2009-04-06T04:10:00.000-07:00

I’m back and I hope to stay. Blogging is a great let out for me. It is amazing to connect with people, being heard, reading others’ responses to what you had to say and reading what other people have to say. I did miss blogging. And though, I was not very active in the blogging scene, I did regularly read up most of your new posts. Sometimes on the same day, sometimes a little late. But read I did. Only thing is that I din’t stop to comment most of the time. Anyhow, since I’m back again, I vow myself to be more true to myself. Most often, I end up writing things that I thought people would want to hear or just to create a certain impression about myself. Well, these impressions are not completely disconnected from my personality, they are indeed a leaf out of my blog. But this time onwards, I will try and be moré open. I will try and be less of a mystery. Actually, a lot of people think I’m quite mysterious. And I guess they are justified in thinking so.

So, I have been busy on the professional front. Not tat I was over working. But I do have a job and that doesn’t leave me with much time to do anything else, say for example blogging. I know, I know, a lot of people do it, but I just din’t take the time. Maybe cuz I do a writing job and too much of writing can drive me nuts. And on the personal front, I was going through a lean phase, and that left me with a frame of mind which din’t really let me write. I was completely distressed. I just headed from work to home and shut myself up in my room and cried. Never called anyone , hardly talked to friends, din’t bother much about what I wore or how I looked, hardly went out or watched movies. I just sat in my room and sulked, cried, analyzed, over analyzed and cried again when I couldn’t find a solution. I was totally broken. And then I decided that I had enough of ruining my life. I realized no one can help me, but myself. So I decided to take a break and went on a family vacation. And honestly, it did wonders to me. I’m back, feeling all refreshed and I hope I can stay this positive and happy all the time.

PS : Sorry that I din;t take up the tags and dint even thank for the awards bestowed on me. Will be more prompt henceforth. But time just flew and I din’t even know.

Tagged!

2008-08-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Chandni loong time back. I was not very regular with my blogs., hence the delay. Anyways, here it is...

I am: still trill trying to discover what I'm. Maybe I should just stop trying and just be!
I think: A LOT!!!
I know: that I'm truly blessed
I want: lots of time to myself, to be in constant touch with people I care about, a daily dose of humour and a fair share of adrenaline rush!
I have: Terrible mood swings.
I wish: I could clear all the misunderstandings I had with few loved ones.
I hate: cunning foxes/ control freaks/chauvinists
I miss: the younger, carefree days.
I fear: growing old, losing my loved ones, dying with unfulfilled wishes, visiting the doc
I feel: that each person is special. One cannot replace the other.
I hear: hardly anything that is being said. Blame it on my short attention span. I hear the first two words and off I go to the la la land.
I smell: nothing at the moment
I crave: some spicy, yummy biriyani
I search: for answers to life’s questions. Nobody seems to have them.
I wonder: when things will be alright
I regret: the missed opportunities, lost time, hurting few people, not valuing certain people
I love: great conversation and good company!
I ache: quite often
I am not: able to live up to my own expectations.
I sing: when no one is around.
I cry: very often.
I don't always: have control over my own actions
I fight: for the sheer pleasure of it/ when I'm wronged/when I'm right
I write: when the mood strikes
I win: whenever I try. But the point is I hardly ever try.
I lose: my patience easily.
I never: like to betray someone.
I always: make sure I keep my word.
I confuse: myself. And sometimes ppl around me too.
I listen: when people talk about things that matter to them, despite the short attention span.
I can usually be found: dreaming away to glory
I need: my space, conversation and fodder for my thoughts.
I am happy about: everything I have. Yet I need more.
I imagine: a lot!

I would like to tag:
maverick
viki
vinesh
blindwreck
sansmerci
gurlwoman
mac
lone woolf

Devil’s Advocate - I

2008-05-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

Big Boys Don’t Cry

After I typed it down, I realised it is soooo much like another blog i read.. views here are my own. But ideas are indeed inspired b y and are refelcted on another blog.

I’m almost always the devil’s advocate. And most of the time I find myself rooting for the underdog. So what if I cheer for the hot favourite occasionally, I never leave behind my underdog. But then, this is really not about underdogs in the true sense of the word. This is about MEN!!!. Men never get credit in feminist circles, do they??? So though this takes to strangle the feminist in me, I would still give some credit to men.

Women (mostly the unmarried, childless kind) often discuss how “painful” a woman’s life is. We have to bear that excruciating pain of giving birth to a child. We don’t even have a choice here, do we? Epidurals or not, child birth is complicated. I’m sure women who have been through it will nod in agreement and the women who have not been thru it (and don’t really fancy the idea) will nod in horror. So its like saying that if the living world has to continue, the female of the species has to go through this pain. Its such a mammoth responsibility on our tender shoulders. It is just assumed that women have some inherent quality to grind their teeth through pain!. Wait till you catch me getting a waxing done. I shriek when they pull the strip out and stop short of swearing at the saloon ladies. I can’t exactly swear cuz what if they decide to get even and pour some really hot wax on my bare legs?? :O. Or catch me when I’m chumming and in pain, when am cranky and curse myself for being a woman : O…. Oops.. Sorry! I was supposed to be taking men’s side. I lost track and started cribbing bout my sad life.

So here is what I wanted to say. True, we have to bear a lotta pain. But women can also scream. We can cry!!! We don’t have to put up a brave face. We can jump to the roof when we see a lizard. A man would make a total moron out of himself if he as much as let out a squeal.

If the pain is emotional, we can call up friends and shed buckets of tears and feel light. In return, we get a lotta comforting and care, sympathy and bonding. We have understanding girl pals who will lets us vent and listen to our ravings and rants, while we binge on mood-lifting chocolate cakes. We can go on a shopping spree or atleast do window shopping if we are broke. We can pamper ourselves with a head massage and pedicure (even these two are painful though) and feel really good. A man who cries in public becomes a wuss. So what do they do?? Cut themselves off from fellow men, turn aloof and divert their attention into something. Or worse (yeah worse), joke about it over beer.

Well… I say worse because I have seen a male friend go through a really rough patch. Now since he couldn’t deal with his own emotions, he would trivialize his miseries and joke about it. I knew him well enough to realize that it was all a farce and he was hurting inside. But most people thought he was being insensitive and hurt him more!!! There was a lot of pressure on him to abstain from breaking down in public. But , women don’t have to bottle it all up or indulge in self depreciating humour. We can shed tears till we feel better and gear up for the next pain. There is nothing as cathartic as a good cry! Sigh!

The song currently playing in my head : Buffalo Sodier - Bob Marley.

PS : The song has no relevance to the topic discussed here. Just happened to be the song I'm humming now.

Have you ever surprised yourself?

2008-04-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

We often believe that we know ourselves best. We even pride on the fact that we are complete masters of our mind. And our actions. But there are times when you surprise yourself. -Crying at the most inappropriate place for crazy reasons even when you have fought back tears during worse adversaries, laughing at the crappiest of jokes despite being fully aware of its crappiness, had feelings for the kinda people you never thought you would fall for, suffered silently through gross injustice even when you are a fighter, made friends with the most unlikely people, had lengthy conversation with people you can never relate to, loved the corniest of songs that you are ashamed of admitting, found the gawkiest of people attractive, stood up for the ones who never meant anything to you.

Has any of this ever happened to you?

Trust doesn’t come easy to me. But then, I surprised myself and trusted someone soon. But the person turns around and backstabs me. So I decide to give her the silent treatment. Now that is something I’m so good at. But then I surprise myself AGAIN and talk to her!!! And I still haven’t forgiven myself for doing this!

So how have you surprised urself??

Coffee, Conversation and others….

2008-04-14T01:53:00.000-07:00

Its back to the grind again! After a long break, m back to the corporate world. And that explains my absence from blogsville! And how much ever earning for yourself feels good, I really miss that blissful state of joblessness! Sigh…I can no longer stay up late into the night doing.. well…almost nothing. I cant sleep late into the mornings. I have a schedule to stick to and life is mechanical once again. I hate not being in control of my life anymore. If there is anything that I badly want, it is to follow my whims and fancies at every turn and never be told what is to be done. So being on my own, not having to follow rules made me a lazy bum. Now I’m battling to snap outta it. Now my eyes have a mind of their own. And to keep them from falling shut, I ‘m consuming excessive coffee! It indeed is a stimulant. And then while I sip on my coffee, I think of 25 years of work life that’s stretching ahead me!!! Life has just begun and I have to work for another 25 years NON STOP! Sigh….. And I realized another thing. Since I write the whole day at work, I’m no more motivated to blog. I never knew this would happen to me. Now that explains the crappiness of this post. Yeah, yeah! I blame it all on work stress! (Chuckle)

A typical mid -20 female conversation

This is an online conversation I had with my friend P some time back. Thot I should put it down here.

P – guess wot! I'm turning 27 in two days!!!
Me – age is just a number girl
P – Yeah, U say that cuz ur only 24! Lets wait till u turn 27!
Me- well… not really… 24 or 27, u have earned that many years of ur life. So u gotta be proud of it.
P – Proud?!?!? ! U miss out on the babe factor.
Me – Oh! No! Ur the ultimate babe! 20 or 30!
P – Well…J thinks so atleast
Me – J is crazy
P – That he is...
Me - Lol..
P - But then he says according to his company’s marketing surveys youth wud mean upto 25!
Me – tell his company to go to hell. So by his own company’s standards he is old eh?
P – Yeah, he admits he is old...Damn! I feel so old. Suddenly I feel jealous of u!
Me- Well.. in three years I will be there too
P – and in three years I will be 30. THIRTY!!!
Me- hmmm…
P- I already started checking out anti-ageing creams
Me – Oh C’mon!!! What u talking bout??
P- Yeah, they say it’s a downhill from 25. Your ageing process begins at 25!
Me- Did J say this too to freak u out?
P – No di... I read it somewhere.
Me – Yeah!!! Ur rite… tat rings a bell somewhere! Tatz terrible!!!
P – Yeah! Tatz exactly what I was telling u!
Me -hmmm..Whoever said age is a number probably died young. That jack ass doesn’t know what growing old feels like! Whew!!!
P – LOL!

Kidding myself!

2008-03-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

How long could I be kidding myself??? I get myself into believing that it is all alright. But deep inside I know it is not. I'm the creator of my own myseries, they say. Little do they know what it is to feel miserable. Else they wouldn put the onus on me. It is like telling me that 'm cutting my flesh into lil pieces. Why would I ever do that??

Then I look around. I see the unfortunate and the underprivileged. And then I ask myself what right do I have to cry?? I'm blessed in so many ways. And all I think about is what is out of my reach. I forget to value everything that I have. So then again I kid myself. I tell myself I have everything I need. Or I need only what I have. Even when I know its not true.

Sometimes I wish I could be shallow. Bcuz the deeper you are, the deeper it hurts. And I have a bloody soul. It wudn rest with a false solace!!!

Let me be me

2008-03-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

The wound just wouldn't heal
and the stubborn pain refuses to leave
its pierced me deep, tugging at my flesh
but m holding it close, for a false solace.

My eyes are dry
my head is dizzy
and I 've put on a fake smile

I've no sunshine here
no cheer to spread
I sell no dreams of vibrant hues
Would u still want me to stay?

I'm tired of this facade
Can I tear away this mask?
for its hurting me

Can I shed a tear?
for I cant hold it back any longer

Can I not smile
for my lips are sucked dry

Can I be me?
For once, will u pls let me be me????

Not tagged, yet a tag!

2008-03-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

Well… Nobody tagged me this time. I took it up shamelessly from Mac’s. Anyways he was generous and said anyone can. And I sooo loved this one. So here it goes :-

I realized that things have changed, so I have a fresh set of things to tell people. So here is the edited version.

Ten things I wish I could say to people right now

1. I miss u, sometimes terribly too!

2. I'm sad that I messed things up. I should have been smarter.

3. Hey woman! I hate u cuz I know u are not as nice as u pretend to be. I also know that u are cheating at least one person. I'm also sure that you don't deserve what u are getting. I wish u rot in hell. No wait, I can't wait that long. I wish u rot in earth itself.

4. Hey woman! are u playing with people's hearts? Pls don't. You are a nice person, but u din't always do the nicest things.

5. I like u a lot. But u gossip too much. And I do think jealousy is one of ur negative traits.

6. I have a really good time with u, still I don't like u as much as I'm supposed to like u.

7. I like u a lot. But I just don't like that you are being so biased.

8. Every time I'm down, it helps a lot when I talk to u.

9. I wish I knew u better.

10. We are very different, still u are awesome!

Nine things about myself.

1. I’m impressed by chivalry. Yet it embarrasses me. And I wonder if it’s for real.
2. I cry very often (but never in public) sometimes I cry late into the night worrying bout losing people I love.

3. I keep my word. And go great lengths to ensure it.
4. I can adore someone as much as I despise them.
5. I’m an absolute absent minded freak.
6. I don’t trust anyone easily.
7. But you can trust me. Confide, and ur secret is safe with me.
8. Get into my bad books and you run the risk of being there. Forever.
9. It’s extremely difficult for me to say Goodbye. Sometimes I avoid meeting people cuz I cant face the good bye part.

Eight ways to win my heart.
1. Talk well, write well, dress well, look good. – Yeah superficial I know. But first impression??

2. Make me laugh. And laugh with me. Match my wits. And win me over.

3. Confide in me

4. Have a deep conversation with me / Inspire me.

5. Be modest and honest. Tell me the truth. Even when it hurts. But learn the art of diplomacy.

6. Share my interests/traits. Even the not so great ones.

7. Be unconventional.

8. Tell me all the dumb things u have done. Makes me feel better. And I’l think you’re cute.

Seven things that cross my mind a lot –
1. My parents health.
2. My future.
3. Death/ life’s mysteries/ God/ religion
4. I wish I was a man!!
5. Pls own up when you are wrong. I appreciate it. And even though its difficult to forgive, I’l try.
6. Ask a lotta questions ONLY if I like u. Else u repel me.
7. Ask me politely. U will get almost anything. Order me around. Sorry, u lost ur chance!

Six things I wish I never did.
Hmmm… I don’t regret anything that I have done. Regret not doing certain things though.

Five turn off's

1. Control freaks
2. chauvinists/lechers
3. being curt
4. being selfish.
5. atrocious sense of dressing / make up

Four turn on's.

1. A sense of humour
2. Gentleness
3. beauty
4. intensity – whatever that means ;)

Three things I want to do before I die.

1. Spend more time with people I love.
2. Chase my dreams.
3. Be the first one to die. I cant watch my loved ones die. Neither can I live without them.

Two smileys that describe me
;)
:o

One confession.
At every point in time, I wish I was someone else, living elsewhere.

Fun or funny???

2008-02-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

Someone told me the other day - "U r obviously fun girl! but not so much funny!"

I wonder what's really the difference. Any idea guys??

The 'This... Or That' game

2008-02-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

This game is draining me out, emotionally! Its breaking me to bits. Life is throwing different options, and all I need to do is weigh the pros and cons and pick the best one. But in typical Libran style, I’m dodging things due to my indecisiveness. I don’t want to miss out on a wonderful opportunity. Nor Do I want to end up making the wrong decision and regret for the rest of my life. This is a decisive phase, and m indecisive! Sigh!..

Chic(k) Fever

2008-02-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

The following is a post I wrote around 3 yrs back on a different blog (That this was the ONLY post in that blog is another story!) The context of the post is relevant today, yet certain aspects are not. Yet I have kept it completely unchanged!

Avian Influenza, more fondly referred to as Bird Flu is the latest thing to hit the headlines. Each time me and my ‘pure’ non-vegetarian fellow beings heave a sigh of relief at its eradication, its back with more gusto. It has made it impossible for chicken -hearted chicken lovers to eat anything at all. One can’t even gulp down a glass of cold coffee with cream, in peace. Why, cream can have eggs too. So does delightful to look at, heavenly to eat chocolate cakes. And if one chooses to binge on some safer varieties of non-vegetarian, a concerned friend warns us about the unlikely chance of chicken being mixed with it. Here, we are not exactly questioning the sanity of the chefs, but accidents do happen!

At this point in time, I lose hope and turn to God Almighty. I ask him, “God, why do you always put us non vegetarian patrons to test? Us, who cant do with out it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, sometimes brunch, and don’t really mind snacking on their different varieties through out the day. Why doesn’t any one hear about deadly diseases that catch vegetables, which when consumed can churn out human intestines? ” Iam still awaiting an answer from above.

Post- tsunami was a dreaded phase for all the fish lovers of the world. People with faint hearts (and stomachs) had to think twice before devouring those thorny delicacies. Then there was Anthrax, which caught the cows and the pigs. I wondered why God dint give these four-legged creatures a chance to die a more noble death – by satiating some incurable non-vegetarian’s craving!!! Now who is responsible if they go to hell? And the latest to join the bandwagon is the chic fever.

I call it chic fever for very specific reasons, because anything to do with this deadly disease has become fashionable. This time the trendsetter was the Ministry Of Health and Welfare itself. In an all out attempt to win the foodies back, the Ministry indulged in a daily dose of very explicit ‘Go For It’ ads. For the benefit of the uninitiated, the chic fever did serious damage to the poultry business. So the national newspapers, obviously under the ministry’s demand, carried pictures of mouth-watering Tandoori chicken full and boiled eggs, with a copy convincing us that it is perfectly safe to consume chicken and shying away from digging into it is nothing short of stupidity. Next day we hear the news of another thousands of hens being culled!!! At this juncture, Iam deeply moved by the caring concern of the Ministry. They definitely felt that dying was a better option than holding back one’s urges. Or they probably believed that all of us had to die one day, so why not eat to one’s heart’s content and die a peaceful death.

The ministry’s ‘eat-chicken’ campaign was in the lines of ‘winning confidence back’ ad campaigns that Pepsi and Cadbury’s ran – Pepsi, when accused of containing pesticides and Cadbury’s to defend the presence of worms in their chocolates. Iam forced to think that Ministry lacks credible ideas. An ad featuring ‘Punjab da Puttar’ Virender Sehwag digging into Tandoori Murg and then hitting a sixer (If the Ambanis can, so can they) or better still, two nubile nymphets fighting over a piece of chicken, all the while ignoring the hot dude beside them, would have appealed to the audience.

It took an interesting or rather enlightening conversation with my maid to make a cynic like me probe beyond the obvious. She was understandably excited because for her, the chic fever is a blessing in disguise. She and her family, her three kids included, are thrilled because chicken is now available at affordable prices, sometimes even free. Then I think about many such people, who would prefer eating chicken, risking death to starving themselves to death. So like everything else, this chic fever too is a two-sided affair. Only I was a little late to realize. We might not always know how, but God definitely has a plan. Amen.

Women.....As we know them

2008-02-01T03:46:00.000-08:00

When life got busier, I moved away from friendships and acquaintances forged at an earlier phase of life. I could afford to lose them and go on to bigger things, and today I can afford to look back at them with fondness. The last year has been one of rebonding-with-old-pals types. And what did I find?? Boys, I must admit, have remained the same all through these years. Only they have become a little serious since the last time we met. Priorities have changed but of course. They have moved on from bikes, babes and booze to make more money. Pray why?? For better bikes, babes and booze. Boys will always be boys!!! Women, on the other hand , have changed. Each meeting with old female acquaintances shed some light on how they grew and I was tempted to put then into little boxes.

The Single, Independent Women – Slogged their assess off to make a career for themselves. Fiercely independent, one admires their confidence just as one despises their arrogance. In typical corporate jargon, they talk about their six-figure income, high-profile meetings, busy schedules, deals clinched and battles won. Hiding behind that aggressive façade and tired eyes is a vulnerable soul lamenting over broken friendships, lost sleep and loneliness.

The Happily Married Women – Married early to rich men, sacrificing education, career and independence, but thought nothing of it. They throw subtle references to trips made to exotic foreign locations and their brand new diamond collections. They are ladies with class, so stating things explicitly will be thoroughly out of the question. Though comfortably tucked in their cocooned life, they regret not making a mark of their own. And since they don’t work to contribute monetarily to the house, they have more time, but less liberty.

The Single, Dependent Women – Screwed up on their studies, because they were busy having fun. Couldn’t make a rewarding career for themselves cuz they were dating men. Full of hope and despair, they still are dependent on the men in their lives (read fathers, boyfriends). They have enviable tales to narrate bout the exciting adventure called life. Suddenly they realize life needs more stability and security, but find that the men they were dating fall short of being the right guy.. Their education is either inadequate or inappropriate to take them to great heights. They realize it’s too late to start all over again, but too early to stop dreaming.

Each of the meetings I had were planned to renew friendships and catch up on old pals. And look what I got. Love has been totally lost. From their hearts as well as mine. What could have been a pleasnt walk down the memory lane, ended up being some kinda 'who has gotten ahead" contest. Every sentence uttered had an undertone of “hey, I’m having a better life”. And though I wasn’t prepared for this, I fell into it headlong, each and every time. And at the end of it all, I realized that the picture I had in mind of these women as lil girls were far more comforting than met the eye. I'm sad I ruined that beautiful picture!!!

PS: There is poll put up at the right corner. pls vote. Thanks in advance!

And tho 1 and 3 remain the same, the 2nd option is actually interesting, moderately well off n ugly!!! (unattractive was just a polite way of putting it. And this is with refernce to in case 2 ONLY) I realized I had placed it above the rest!

Lost...

2008-01-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

Recently I read a blog where the last post (at the time of reading) was on life - offering us different choices or it imposing on us. Now I dont seem to find that blog. I dont remember the blog title either. I'm sure I reached that space through some of ur blogs. Do comment if u know this blog!